Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Gifts for Grownchildren and Grandkids: The frustrations of the no "Thank-you" note

It's the irritant that won't go away: A good number of readers--of my blog and of advice columns--have vented deep anger about not being thanked for presents they send. Some have considered calling a halt to the gift-giving or, in the case of gift cards or cash, cutting down on the size of the gifts. Some of us hold out for written missives on fine-grained paper but many of us have evolved and accept a thank-you via email, text or phone message. All we want to know is that our gift was received and, even more, that it was appreciated.  For one reader of Carolyn Hax's column, the gift-giving was not just about bringing pleasure to a loved one. They were her way "to let them know we love them and that we are not going to forget that they are part of the family."

And therein lies the rub.  In her reply, Carolyn Hax zeroes in on a larger issue that she calls "the diminishing relevance of gifts for the emotional purpose we generally intend." Hax remembered receiving gifts from various relatives when she was a child and that the feeling of love for the sender was not from the gift but from year-round efforts to have a relationship with her.

The reflection leads her to look at the issue from the recipients’ point of view. And therein lies some explanation for the lack of response from our big and little loved ones.

... anyone buying gifts as emotional outreach is using steeply devalued currency. Another sweater/toy/tchotchke! Thanks?

Which doesn’t excuse the death of polite thank-yous — I will defend and urge and send them to my last breath — but may help explain it.

This is clear from the anguish I hear from the recipients’ side. Anything but the most useful, imaginative, sustainable or apt gift, small or large, risks incurring an obligation on the recipient. To find a use or place for it, to regift or dispose of it responsibly, to show somewhat unfelt gratitude for it, to tamp down the guilt of costing someone money and being a helpless party to natural resource depletion. Call these recipients killjoys or ingrates or both, but you can’t say they’re wrong.

Thus my advice: Think carefully about what you want these gifts to say to the children in your family. Try to think of a different, more personal, non-holiday-stuff-pegged way of saying whatever it is; adopt that way.

Thank You Notes: Once again into the fray of a failure to acknowledge a gift

We are midway into the Holiday week. The family feasting and gift-giving parts are behind us. Behind us, yes, but those of us who weren't present to see our presents unwrapped by our grown children or grandchildren still want to know that, hey, they liked it, and more importantly that it wasn't lost in the mail. The official thanks might come in the form of a video of the opening of our gift.  Or an email. Or a text. Or even an old-fashioned phone call. Whatever it is, it doesn't have to be pen on paper. A thanks is a thanks is a thanks, an issue I've covered here and here  and here.

But giving a shout-out of thanks can be a complicated issue. What happens when our children don't thank relatives who have sent them gifts. We may try to get our adult child or grandchild to pen a note--or supply them with a text address. But if that doesn't work, what options do we have?

Meghan Leahy addressed this issue in a Washington Post Parenting Q&A. In an online chat a parent wrote that her young adult daughter had received a generous graduation gift from her uncle but had not written a thank you note. "I have tried to get her to do it and now we are fighting," the parent wrote. "I'm ashamed that she hasn't said thank you. Now she is in her corner, and I am very embarrassed. What's the mature way to handle this?"

Here's Leahy's two-step solution:

I want you to write a generous thank-you note from your whole family, and include some beautiful flowers or a yummy treat, too.

Acknowledge their hurt and how ungracious she appears, and let them know that you are working on it and that it isn't personal. Then move on and drop this with your daughter. Work on your relationship with her by finding ways to connect in any way you can.

photo: Maia Lemov

Thank You Notes: Why grown and grandkids fail to show their appreciation for gifts we give them.

I sympathize with the frustration: We send our grown kids and grandkids gifts and we get nothing tangible in return--not a word of thanks, no less an "I love it!" It may be that in these days of social distancing from our loved ones, the need to hear a thanks looms even larger. Pandemic or no, I hear about the thank you issue--or lack thereof--all the time. 

So does Philip Galanes over at Social Qs. "For years, every week has brought at least one new variation on this letter," he writes. The letter in question comes from a reader who sends her daughter monetary gifts that have long gone unacknowledged; she wonders whether it’s time to stop sending them, especially since the gifts are a strain on her budget.

Galanes starts by saying that the "central question is by far the one I hear most often. I’ve answered it a few times: We give gifts out of love, not to be thanked; speak up gently; if this really bothers you, stop sending gifts."

But this time Galanes doesn't rest there. He's interested in exploring the root of the problem: Why does this keep happening--to this reader and to many of us. Here's his answer:

My new theory: If a parent (or uncle or grandmother) sends a gift, year after year, without any acknowledgment from the recipient, maybe the recipient doesn’t experience it as a gift. Maybe your daughter and the others see these presents as their entitlement, like stock dividends or Social Security checks. The fact that the gifts keep coming, without further action, supports their belief.

That doesn't change the basics of his advice: Ask your child or grandchild to be more thoughtful. If they can’t be, trade the checks for greeting cards.

Grandparenting: The "Thank You Note" rears its head. With consequences.

A reader has been in touch about the "thank you" note issue, especially as it pertains to grandchildren and more especially to older grandchildren who may be gifted with a check on a birthday or during the Holidays. It is not surprising that the issue would rear its head again since, in these days of covid-19 shelterings, it is less likely that gifts will be presented to our Grands in person where they can thank us directly and in the moment.

The reader wants to make clear that an acknowledgement counts. She is not hung up on form--at least to a certain extent. She'll accept email or a text or a personal phone call. (A handwritten note? That's a wish too far. but see Gold Standard above from Grand still young enough to pen a note.)  What the reader is against is the lack of any response or of receiving only a background shout out when she is on the phone with other adults in the household. That is, she has been on the phone with her grown child when a teenage grandchild in the background will shout out, "Thanks for the check, Grandma." 

She does not consider a shout-out an acceptable form of acknowledgment, and this grandmother has taken action to support her belief. She has warned her grown child and her grandchildren that there is a price to pay for the lack of a thank you that shows some thought and appreciation. She told them she would reduce the amount of the gift if acknowledgements weren't forthcoming. She has been as good as her word. She has sent checks in smaller and smaller amounts as a teenage grandchild fails to make even a feeble attempt at a personal thank you.

Kudos to her for not making empty threats. And for taking a stand on what's important to her: an acknowledgement that neither she nor her gift should be taken for granted. It's a life lesson as well: When people help you out or are especially kind--be it a co-worker, friend or a server in a restaurant--a bona fide "thank you" goes a long way.