When we don't get a thank you for gifts sent--holiday presents, birthday gifts, Confirmation, Bar Mitzvah, whatever--resentment becomes an unpleasant visitor in our lives. Why should it be an effort for our adult kids or grandkids to text, email or phone in a "Thanks"--never mind penning a note on thick vellum paper. (That's a wish too far.)
We can also be quick to enter the blame game. If it's the grandkids who haven't responded, we often point a finger at the mom, especially if she's our daughter-in-law. When there are step-daughters involved, it can get even trickier. Here's the complaint of one woman who is grandmother to three families. She writes to Sahaj Kahur that two of the families not only say thank you but are interactive with her, often bringing her their artwork which is hung all over her home. It's the third family that's the problem. Her stepdaughter--her husband's child--is not, in her eyes, bringing up her children to have good manners. There are no thank you's for gifts or other treats from the grandparents and no offers of the children's drawings to hang in the grandparent's house. The stepdaughter complains that the grandmother is not treating her children equally with the others. The grandmother writes that her husband promised to talk to his daughter about the problem but hasn't. What is the grandmother to do to stop her resentment from growing worse?
Here are three of the suggestions (edited for space and clarity) Kahur makes, some of which may highlight issues many of us have in our relationships with the parents of our grandchildren.
ONE: If there are two parents in the picture, it’s not just on your stepdaughter to raise the kids with manners. Try to avoid zooming in on your stepdaughter being the problem.
TWO: Strengthen the relationship you have with her. Focus on the positives in the relationship you do have with her and her kids. If that doesn’t feel like enough, be honest with her. Just remember that you want to approach the conversation with care, not with the intention to “prove” that you treat all your grandkids similarly.
THREE: Kindly tell your husband that something needs to change and you would appreciate working together to create a realistic, yet more specific and time-bound, plan on approaching his daughter.
REMINDER: You’ve been stuck in limbo and the only way for something to change is for something to change. So take some time now to consider how you can approach your stepdaughter and her kids differently, or how to have a more structured plan in place with your husband.
painting: "The White Cat," Pierre Bonnard