Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Money Matters: When sibling rivalry crosses the helping hand

Many of us take great pleasure in helping out our children financially. If we have the wherewithal we're likely to help them with a downpayment to buy a house. (Roughly 20 percent of U.S. homeowners received gifts or loans to help them buy a home, according to Money Magazine, and most of that money came from us--parents of grown children. Money Mag tells us that if the “Bank of Mom and Dad” were a true business, it would be the seventh biggest mortgage lender in the country.)

There is at least one hitch to all this Mom and Dad banking. If we have more than one child, they can get ensnarled in bad feelings--toward us, toward each other--over money we've given one child and not the other or others. The business of giving them what we might call "an advance on their inheritance" can be trickier than writing a will. With the 'advance on inheritance" we're still around to feel the sting if one child feels favored over another.

In a letter to Philip Galanes and his Social Qs column, a reader was feeling that kind of slight.  Her parents had let her know that they had given her sister "a chunk of money to help with a down payment on a house." They told her she wouldn't be receiving a matching sum and for a rational reason: The writer and her husband already owned a house, which they were able to buy with a generous gift from his parents. "My parents aren’t wealthy, so I understand their decision. Still, it stings!" From her perspective, the money they gave to her sister signifies that the parents love her sister more than they love her.  The writer wants to know whether to raise her grievance with her parents.

Galanes reminds the reader and all of us that the parents’ money is theirs. "Whether they are fabulously rich or just squeaking by, they can spend it however they like. And adult children have no entitlement to it."

Over and beyond that, Galanes acknowledges that "sibling rivalry for parental love can be painful" and that the writer should talk to her parents about their decision. But his final reminder in this family drama is one we should all take into account at gift giving or will-writing time:

And for parents: If you intend to make unequal gifts, it can be helpful to discuss the issue in advance. Feelings about parental gifts can run strong!

We are free to do with our money as we see fit. We don't owe our children anything now or in the future. But that's not really the point. What we do owe them is a sense of fair play--an explanation of why we've chosen to do as we have and why, especially when we choose to help one child and not another.

painting: Rothko, Untitled

Anger Provocateurs: When relatives play favorites with our adult children.

Hell hath no fury like a parent whose child has been treated unfairly by others. Or whose close relative favors one of their children over another. A wave of inchoate anger rises even when the children are adults and making their way in the world.

A Social Qs column churned up this barrel of hurt. A reader wrote Philip Galanes that her sister, who had been relatively estranged from the reader's family, "made a large cash gift to my eldest daughter, who is a doctor, and gave nothing to my younger children, who earn less." The reader, who noted that she and her sister had been raised in a home filled with "unhealthy competition," asked Galanes if she could speak to her sister about this painful show of favoritism or should she let it go.

Galanes advised the reader not to raise the issue with her sister "unless you're prepared to rehash the dynamics of your childhood."

Check in with your kids instead. Ask them how they feel about this. You may be surprised to learn that the care you took in treating them equally will pay off now when others don't.

I have my own deeply buried experience with a situation similar to that of the reader's. My brother played a negligible role in my children's lives--he never called or sent a card on a birthday or attended any events that marked passages of their childhood. . Then suddenly he decided to show up for my daughter's graduation from an Ivy League school. He showered her with a large cash gift and took her and her roommates out to dinner. The next year, when my son graduated from a lower-profile college, my brother was a no-show and a non-acknowledger (no congratulatory phone call or note to say nothing of a gift) of the important passage in his nephew's life.

I like to think it was all about my brother's ego: He was dazzled by the Ivy League; it wasn't a personal statement about my son. Nonetheless, it stung.

So, lo these many years later, I took Galanes advice and asked my children about my brother and his track record with their college graduations. (I couldn't talk to my brother about it; he died several years ago.)  My daughter, well past her graduation days, remembered the discomfort of an uncle with whom she was not close paying so much attention to her and her friends and treating them so lavishly. She reminded me that neither she nor her brother "had a relationship with him and that's kind of sad. But I remember how mad you were."

My son brushed it off. He barely remembers any role my brother did or didn't have in his graduation.

So I guess the pain is all on me--and that's as it should be. Galanes is right on this count: Like the reader, much of my anger was not just at the way my brother treated my children but related back to the dynamics of my childhood.

Hell's fury might be when those dynamics are visited on your children, but the upside is that my children don't have the emotional overlay to be scarred by it.  

painting: Paul Klee, View from Red

 

Money Matters: What If They Ask Us for an Advance on Their Inheritance?

Many of us--well, those of us with the wherewithal--are inclined to help out our grown kids in the here and now, rather than have them wait till our last will and testament is read. The down payment on a car or a house; the tab for day care for a grandchild--these are some of the things we may offer to help with--by gift or loan--and that give us a measure of pleasure to underwrite.

But what if it's not us offering the assist but them asking for an "advance" on the money we'll be leaving them? Does it matter what the ask is for? Does their asking, rather than our offering, put a different cast on the "feel good" moment? Are they presumptuous in their expectations?

It's complicated. A woman who wrote to Social Qs for advice on whether or not to ask her elderly parents for an "advance" to make it easier for her to buy a house, be able to underwrite family gatherings and otherwise "enjoy some of it while they're alive." The letter writer also noted that her parents had willingly paid for the education of her sister's children and that an "advance" would more or less even the financial-legacy scales.

Philip Galanes advice to the daughter in question is one we might take into account if such a request comes our way.

If you are sure that [your parents] are still competent to make this decision and can afford it, ask for a loan. Let them decide whether to make it a gift. And drop the tit-for-tat with your sister over her children’s education. That help was given at another time and probably long planned.

My biggest reservation here is that many parents I know would go without to help their children (even deep into adulthood). If that sounds like yours, stick with your original plan to pay for the house yourself. There comes a time to put our parents first, after years of the reverse arrangement.

 

 

Bank of Mom and Dad: The helping hand and its role in sibling rivalry

When my mother died, she left all that was left in her estate to me. But that didn't lessen my resentment of how my brother had, when he was alive (he died before my widowed mother did), talked her into giving him access to her savings accounts and squandered two thirds of it.

Whether we need the worldly goods or not--I was fortunate in not--there is something primal about the resentment we feel for a sibling if our parents treated them more favorably than us.

I bring that up lo these many years later because Paterfamlias and I--and our friends--are now the older generation, the parents of the grown children and, human nature being what it is, many of us are probably tilting more toward one child than another, helping out a child who may be struggling financially and not offering equal rewards to one who is not. The common sense of our actions may be apparent to us but not necessarily to the child who's not getting his or her share.

At least that is a point raised in a recent British publication, The National. After ranting a bit about parents who favor the "weaker" of their children over the more successful one, the author sums up research that has a surprising kick to it:

"Research in the United States found that parents helping their young adult children financially was linked to what it called a "solid parent-child bond" that got stronger the more money is given. I found it surprising, and disturbing, that money was a bigger issue than emotional support and affection. Other research states that sibling relationships were not affected by preferential treatment, like affection, as long as they were given the same amount of money. Give one more money than the other and you’re condemning siblings to bad relationships with each other later

So it turns out that our adult children are sensitive to inequality just as they were when they were small children living under our roof.

The answer to the issue is not necessarily to change our ways or even the scales, but to let our kids know what we're thinking and get input from them. In the best of all possible worlds, their reaction will be like that of a friend of mine's son who told his parents he was fine with their helping out his sister and that they should feel comfortable leaving the bulk of their worldly goods to her. He and his wife both have MBAs and high-paying jobs.. They are more than able to support their two children and send one who needs an extra boost to private school  The sister holds a low-paying job (she's a social worker) and her husband, who lost his job in the 2008 recession, has been unable to regain his footing. They are struggling to support their twin girls. It is a relief to the parents to know that they are providing financial help to their daughter without their son resenting it. (Not knowing when the need for that help will end? Relief-less.)

According to Megan Ford, a therapist and head of the Financial Therapy Association, the biggest reason parents offer adult children financial help is that they are struggling due to a job loss, divorce or the pursuit of a career path that’s meaningful, but not lucrative. Also high on the list: providing assistance to a child who is disabled or has special needs or is dealing with addiction or mental health issues.

The National's author has this advice for those who are not even-handed in handing out or leaving money to their grown kids:

"Talk about it with your family, explain what you want to do, why, and that you realise it affects everyone. You might be surprised with the different takes on what you’re proposing. And most importantly, talk about being fair. You want to be fair don’t you? Find out what that means to everyone, not just what it means to you."

 

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Money Matters: Slicing and dicing the financial legacy for your grown children

Where is it written that, when we write our Wills and split our estate into legacies, each of our grown children has to be treated equally? That is, the worldly goods have to cut down the middle if there are two children, into equal thirds if there are three--on down to fourths and fifths or more.

There are lots of reasons why we might not want to divvy things up evenly--reasons beyond dis-inheriting a badly behaved child. A friend, recently divorced, has three children--two daughters, one son. She wants to leave the bulk of her considerable estate [the divorce agreement left her very comfortable financially] to her daughters. The reason is simple: The son has hit it rich in a business he runs with his father. He has no need for a share in his mother's estate. The daughters are both struggling financially--one in a low-paying but rewarding job; the other as a stay-at-home mom with four children and a husband who, says Will-Writing Mama, will never earn a lot of money, at least not by the standards of the family.

Her mind is made up, and she had a plan to explain it to her son--later, in a letter that would accompany the Will and be read when she passes on.That's when her estate lawyer gave her a solid piece of advice: Give her son a heads up in advance. She's working on it--by writing a letter he can read now that explains it all and makes clear that this has only to do with his financial success and nothing to do with the son's partnership with his father.

That's one way to handle the decision to disperse unevenly. In answer to a similar issue in Social Qs, Philip Galanes suggested the legacy-leaving parents have a heart to heart talk with the child whose financial success is so much more secure that her sibling's. "Talk with her privately," Galanes suggests, "and say: 'We always imagined leaving our money to you and Bobby 50-50. We love you both. But you’ve become so successful, and Bobby really needs our help. How would you feel if we left him a bigger piece of the pie?' Then listen." It's the dialogue you open that counts, Galanes says. And he adds one additional point to make to Super-Successful Child: "Be clear that if anyone’s circumstances change, your estate plan will, too."

Solid advice. The money in our estate is ours to disburse as we see fit, but we don't want the sharing of our wealth to create ill feelings between siblings--or a grudge against a demised us. The reality is that one child may not need the money where the other does, but being unprepared to be read out of a Will can lead to unintended and unhappy consequences. Besides, as Galanes put it, "the sanest people can go bonkers where cash is concerned."

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Vacation Togetherness: The grownkids, their kids and you at the beach for a week. Uh Oh.

Jill and Lenny had made it a very pleasant habit to take their grown children on vacation with them. First they had a condo at the beach. Once they sold that, they rented at interesting, far-away places--one or two condos so everyone could come together and relax as one big, happy family.

They're not so keen on that scenario anymore. They still love the idea of a family vacation but finds it's increasingly difficult to take both families at the same time. Her son's children are 10 years older than her daughter's--with more sophisticated tastes. Her son has lived abroad with his family, sends his children to an international school where they are keeping up their multi-language skills. He has more money to spend than his sister and is willing to spend it on introducing his children to the varieties of food and experiences the world holds. No time like vacation to introduce and experiment.

The daughter's children--twins--are in preschool. Her outlook is more home-grown and her pocketbook more limited.Going out to a restaurant to try unusual food is a trial--the kids are too young to enjoy it; it's a pain make them sit still for so long--it's much easier (and cheaper) to eat hamburgers or pizza at the condo.

"Resentments arise," the parents of these grown children say. "Our son and son-in-law aren't kindred spirits. They have a civil relationship but they don't have too much to say to each other. Our daughter and daughter-in-law don't have that much in common. Everyone loves each other--the big kids love the twins but they have their limits on how long they want to play with them. I get tense when we're away together. Sibling rivalry rears it head--even at this age."

Jill and Lenny are now thinking that they don't want to have everyone together for so long a time. Both her son and daughter live in the same city as they do. Sunday dinners at the parent's house is an unspoken ritual. Three hours of togetherness is one thing. Ten days is another.

Welcome to the club. As one friend famously put it about visits from all her grandchildren at once: "I don't do gang bangs anymore." She staggers her daughter's visits to her resort condo. Another friend calls it "serial vacationing." Amounts to the same thing. It's a fine idea to have everyone together--all the grands in a big house at the beach--but the reality is something else. Either the kids and their spouses have little in common or the parenting styles are very different or there's just too much chaos in having so many people under one roof or we just get caught up in the tensions that could erupt into arguments--between grown siblings, grandkids or you and your children. That does not spell vacation. Even if the grown kids say they love it.

Visiting Privileges: A second opinion on visits with grown children

When our grown children come home for a visit, we juggle many things--from what to cook [who likes what?] to where will they sleep [who gets the guest room, who the blowup bed on the floor of the TV room?]. If more than one grown child is coming home for a holiday or family celebration, remembrance of sibling rivalries past may flit through our heads--and remind us to tiptoe carefully around those minefields.

I recently came across a blog by Cynthia Samuels that gives her take on the highs and lows of such visitations. You can read it here. One of her points is this: "When your kids grow up there’s not a lot you can do for them besides feed them and not pressure them to be around when they can’t."

She also has this advice: "...one of the two [of her sons] is married and that makes temperate, respectful exchanges even more important. The worst thing in the world is to have to choose between parent and spouse. I work hardest to keep that from ever happening, not only about when they come and how long they stay but also about whether we serve beef (nope) or schedule a lot of activity (also nope)."

In other words, those visits are not all about us.

Sibling Spat: Thanksgiving brings a quarrel home

A grown-up brother and adult sister have quarreled. The rift had to do with the responsbilities they had to each other--and a misreading of exactly what those were. They ended up not talking to each other, and it has gone on for months now--despite another brother's attempt to be peacemaker. "They both ended up angry at him," says the mom of that failed effort.

The father is unworried about the tiff. His theory: Time will heal the wounds. They won't stay mad at each other forever.

The mother is not so sure. She sees the rift growing worse each day--the brother and sister now refuse to be in the same room as each other. The daughter, who is currently living at home, made one gesture at reconciliation. It was rebuffed, and that has refueled her anger.

Now the holidays are rolling around. Thanksgiving is a dinner the mother has always made and, in recent, years, it's been one of a few special times each year when everyone--the daughter, the two married brothers, their wives and their children--get together. The daughter has let her mother know that she will absent herself if the brother with whom she is quarreling is at the Thanksgiving dinner.

What's a mom to do? She could invite everyone: throw the chips up in the air and hope for the best. But she knows that will not work. She is sick at heart and disturbed by a wrenching choice: Invite the son or the daughter.

She has swallowed hard and made an executive decision: The quarreling son will not be invited. Her reasoning: He'll be taken care of on Thanksgiving Day. He has his wife's family to be with. The pain of the family separation will be all hers.