Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Adult Children Confess: Here's what we do that annoys them

"O wad some Power the giftie gie us, to see ourselves as ithers see us!" That's 18th Century Scottish poet Robert Burns sharing his insight that continues to hold true today.

In that spirit, here are our adult children's top two complaints about us, as told to Carolyn Hax in an online discussion.  I am hopeful neither of these top two "annoying" habits apply to me, but I'm self-scrutinizing anyway.

Number One: Offering criticism and unsolicited advice.

Number Two: Ignoring cues and asking highly personal questions when no one is in the mood for sharing.

Hax sympathizes with the adult children who responded to a reader-letter and a follow-up prompt, "What makes my parents so annoying." But she and her readers also have a few suggestions for us on how to "mitigate" their annoyance with us.

Here are a few of them (edited version):

Let your kids be themselves. Few annoyances are as annoying as being parented against one's will.

Keep your anxieties to yourself.

Learn not to feel or act hurt that your kids find you annoying. It's more positional than personal anyway.

Learn to laugh at yourself, and admit when you're wrong.

Don't make them spend time with you. If you have a relationship where they can say no to a visit or that they have other plans, then there's a limit to how much you can annoy them.

painting: Emma Amos, Self Portrait

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grandparenting: The food rules when grandkids visit

When I was first introduced to grandparenting I had to adjust to rules my children set for their children's snacks at my house. One family did not want their toddler to eat certain sweets; the other forbade individual portions of boxed juice drinks. I was fine with their decisions; I just had to remember who approved of what lest I offer juice drinks to the wrong grandchild.

My experience was in keeping with what my friends were telling me: Their children were setting down food rules for grandchildren that were bewildering to grandparents. What's wrong with home-baked chocolate chip cookies?

I mention this because a recent letter to Carolyn Hax is a man-bites-dog variation on this theme. The complaint comes from a mother whose parents are serving her children super-healthy meals that the children won't eat. The grandparents refuse to supply snacks that would assuage the children's hunger, which occasionally causes meltdowns.  The mother/reader continues:

"While the food may seem healthier at the grandparents’, I don’t like the amount of control the grandparents hold over the food for everyone else. Isn’t the point of a holiday to eat, drink and be merry? Do you have a food solution for when families of different generations and geographies come together that could help keep everyone sane?"

Here we are with tables turned. The grandparents aren't baking sugar-loaded cookies and letting their grandchildren snack on them all day; they are setting healthy eating standards that are over and beyond those of the parental household. So, is there a way to keep everyone sane about food? Here's part of what Hax has to say. Spoiler alert: Hax does not pour the blame on us:

If your kids are physically, medically or religiously able to eat what the grands serve and simply choose not to, then you have a straightforward path: Recognize that it’s not your place to parachute into the grandparents’ house with pallets of cheesy poofs. If their nutritional orthodoxy strains their bonds with the kids, then that’s a natural consequence the grands can perceive and address for themselves.

“Best-case,” though, and arguably the inevitable case, your kids will learn all kinds of things from the food gap: how different people and cultures express themselves in different homes, how to default to gratitude when someone goes to the trouble to provide them with healthy meals, how to cope when the world doesn’t bend to their will — all previously known as having some manners — and how to eat when they’re hungry.

Meltdowns are bad, but entitlement is so profoundly worse.

Painting: Pierre Bonnard, The Late Interiors

 

Money Matters: Our helping hand is bigger and broader than ever before

It's a trend that's grounded in fiscal reality. Our kids--twenty-somethings and 30s--are living with us, nearly 25 percent of them, according to several surveys. The surveys also find that they've moved into their childhood bedrooms for monetary reasons.

Although many of them are on the first rung of career jobs or are earning decent money in the gig economy, they see how much it costs to live in the world.  They may be carrying sizeable student debt, buying cars on credit or face a rental market that's unfriendly.  The national median for a one-bedroom apartment is currently around $1,500 a month, according to Zumper, but rents are significantly higher in cities like New York ($4,300), Boston ($2,990), San Francisco ($2,970) and  Miami ($2,600), cities where young adults are drawn to live.

For many of our adult kids, living at home isn't a sign of social failure. It's a way to save for a future goal--whether it's to buy a place of their own, start a business or have a decent nest egg before plunging into marriage. Sometimes the move home is transitory. A friend of mine's 34-year-old son relocated from a city in the Midwest to his hometown where rents are high. He's living home while he searches for an affordable place. My friend would like him to speed up the search--she's finding the adjustment to his presence tricky--but he doesn't seem to be in a hurry. For him, the price is right and the refrigerator full.

Whatever their reasons for living with us, we're party to a parallel trend: 65 percent of us (the parents) are providing some form of financial support to our adult children between the ages of 22 and 40. According to a USA Today survey, housing topped the list (either paying their rent or letting them live free at home), after that came help with the cell phone bill, then car payments and more personal stuff like clothing, their takeout bill and entertainment (Netflix and the like). Dead last: health insurance or medical bills.

A good number of us--one in three--report that the support is a strain on our budgets. Nonetheless, we have not set limits. Nor have we let our kids--or ourselves-- know for how long we’re willing to put them up and help out.

painting: Cezanne

 

 

 

Leaving a Legacy: The gift of clean closets and cleared out basements

Long-time readers know how I've ranted about an important part of the legacy we leave our children. That is, besides the assets and the sense of our values we leave our children, we should clean out the mess of papers and junk stored in our closets, basements, attics and crannies of our house. I have friends who don't want to touch the many storage places in their basement: "Let the kids take care of it," is what they tell me. For them, that's 45 years of accumulated stuff they're asking their kids to sort through and disburse.

I won't rant on. I'll leave it to Carolyn Hax to back me up. A reader--the daughter of a "widowed, healthy, vibrant mom"--says her mom refuses to go through her belongings and pare down the massive amount of stuff and old furniture in her house. "She says that 'someone else' can take care of it," the reader writes. The 'someone else' is the daughter who feels saddled with the enormous chore that lies ahead. "I feel trapped, and I can't enjoy the present with my mom without feeling anger over the future."

Here's Hax's answer:

As long as you’re okay with handing over control of where the stuff ends up, you can hire a company to clean out the house: all the paper, all the clothes, all the toxic cleaning solutions, every stick of furniture. It’s not cheap but can be cheaper than you’d expect, especially if the projected sale of some contents can offset the final price. Get a few estimates — ask real estate agents for names — pull those treasured photos and letters out for yourself, then drop the proverbial match.

The practical answer may help the daughter. But is this what we want to happen to our stuff? Are there treasures buried in a closet or photo album or old letters that should be kept ase part of family history? A lot of meaning can seep into small kindergarten drawings or a large old sofa. Do we really want it all dumped? And if we do, why not start dumping some of it--a bag a day--into the trash now. I have to admit I might not have gotten started on my "'piles of papers" and assorted belongings (from our parents as well as us) if I hadn't sold my house and moved to a smaller apartment with no storage space. That was an incentive to get the job done.

Hax notes that, for our kids, sorting through our stuff after we've left this world--stuff that's suffused with memories of us--and "sending it on a dumpster ride is not for the faint of heart." It is, she writes, "a heavy emotional saddle." We can spare them that.

painting: Picasso, Still Life

 

 

Holiday Surprises: What to do (and not do) when your child brings someone special home?

All families have their holiday traditions. For those of us who plan for a full family get-together over an extravagant holiday feast, there may be a surprise in store when our grown kids head for home. They may bring a new love interest, someone who may be a possible new partner in their life. Or they may use the family setting to announce a commitment to someone you've already met.

Amidst all the tumult of various family members pouring through the doors and taking up residence on the sofa, how do we deal with our child and their guest who may become an important person in our lives?

Writing in Psychology Today, Jane Adams has some pertinent advice. It starts with this important point: By bringing someone home and incorporating them into the family tradition, they're not asking for your permission or even your blessing.

Here's Adams' fuller expansion on that point:

The holidays, which often reunite far-flung kith and kin under one roof for celebratory rituals, are a popular season for couples presenting a ring or otherwise committing to a relationship with a future, whether or not an engagement or marriage is formally announced....

Although a blessing would be nice, it's not required. Young adults aren't really asking, they're telling. Their closed circle is opening up enough to admit you, unless you express your doubts, concerns, or misgivings. They don't want your judgments, they're not asking for your advice or opinion, and unless or until they do, keep it to yourself. Maybe you don't see what they see in him or her, but you don't have to, although there's nothing wrong with saying, "Tell me what you love about them," or even asking, "When did you know this was It?" not in a challenging tone but a gently curious one.

Her final piece of holiday advice:

Grab the newest member of your family, get them under the mistletoe, and plant one on them—after all, it's a blessed time to open your heart as wide as you can.

Leaving a Legacy: Keeping mum about our will and estate plan

I do not have the complication in my life of a second marriage and stepchildren. That means my adult children do not have to worry about whether step brothers or sisters will complicate the inheritance of the worldly goods their father and I leave behind.

I mention that because, experience-wise, I was unprepared for a complaint in a Philip Galanes Social Qs column from a reader whose stepchildren have stopped talking to their father (the reader's husband of two years but partner of 20). The husband's children asked for and were granted access to the terms of their father's will. They didn't like what they saw--their stepmother (the author of the letter to Galanes) stood to inherit a chunk of the father's property and money--and that's when the silent treatment began.

Galanes answer is specific to the problem of the letter-writer and the tricky business over property. But most of his observations are general enough to hold wisdom for us all.

You probably don’t need me to tell you that your husband’s children behaved atrociously — both by counting their father’s money as if it were their own and by disrespecting your relationship of two decades. I am not shocked by this story, though. Inheritance often brings out the very worst in people.

The gist of the rest of his answer was a version of this basic truth: We love our children but what we do with our worldly goods is none of their business, until it is (and we're no longer here to hear the arguments). There's this caveat: If we are favoring one child over another (one, say, is more successful financially than the other), we would be wise to alert them to our reasoning, an issue that I discuss here  and here.

credit: painting by Pierre Bonnard

Observation: Jhumpa Lahiri on the hole in a parent's heart when a son grows up and moves away

Jhumpa Lahiri tells us how a father (the narrator of her short story "P's Parties") misses his son, a son described by the father as  "a grown man, a college graduate, a few months into his new life abroad, pursuing further studies at a foreign university."

The father muses on his wife's joyful acceptance of their son moving successfully into his adult years. For his wife, the narrator says,

the fact that he was getting by on his own for the most part, and now had a woman in his life, and was far from us, was a much deserved and happy ending to our long and exhausting road as parents. It meant that we’d done a good job, and this was a milestone worth celebrating.

The father was not as sanguine. Lahiri has him say,

...For me, not seeing him every day, not hearing his voice around the house, or even his mediocre violin playing, not knowing what he was up to, not adding his favorite juice to the grocery cart—it all came as a blow. I was proud of him, yes, I was excited about his prospects, but I still had a hole in my heart.

painting: Rebecca Lemov

Young Adults: What to know about the quarter-life crisis

We've all heard about the midlife crisis and how, midway through our lives, we question ourselves about the road we've taken, whether this is all there is to life and other existential questions. It's a period of transition where we may struggle with our identity and self-confidence.

This is old news. The new deal I'm hearing about is the quarter-life crisis, a period of transition that can shake young adult children.

A psychology website raises this alarm:

"A quarter life crisis can be a real and challenging event for some. The population of people experiencing this crisis may feel like they are missing out on something. This can feel like a time when they are not sure where they belong and are wondering if they are going in the right direction. Some may question their purpose in life."

There's even a Baby Queen song about it. (on YouTube) and, less surprisingly, a  book about it. “Quarterlife: The Search for Self in Early Adulthood.” The author,  psychotherapist Satya Doyle Byock, notes that in the past few years, she has noticed a shift in tone in her clients who are in their late teens, 20s and 30s. They are frenetic and frazzled, unnerved and unmoored, constantly feeling like something is wrong with them. In the intro to her book she wrote:

“Crippling anxiety, depression, anguish, and disorientation are effectively the norm. Just like midlife, quarter-life can bring its own crisis — trying to separate from your parents or caregivers and forge a sense of self is a struggle. But the generation entering adulthood now faces novel, sometimes debilitating, challenges."

So, what can trigger a quart-life crisis? In general, the research suggests that strong negative emotions can be set off by moving out of the parental home, living alone as well as creating deeper relationships with others and making long term decisions. So can adult obligations such as marriage, parenthood, buying a home, and stable full-time work.

What to do? Here are two of Byock's suggestions for how we can help our adult children weather a quarter-life crisis:

1. There are ways an overly dependent relationship between adult child and parents can evolve. That can involve talking about family history and past memories or asking questions about the parents’ upbringing. "The young adult is "transitioning the relationship from one of hierarchy to one of friendship. It isn’t just about moving away or getting physical distance.

2. Every quarterlifer typically has a moment when they know they need to step away from their parents and to face obstacles on their own. That doesn’t mean a grown child can’t, or shouldn’t, still depend on their parents in moments of crisis. “I don’t think it’s just about never needing one’s parents again. But it’s about doing the subtle work within oneself to know: This is a time I need to stand on my own.”

art: Alice Neel, "Painted Truths."

The Ethical Will: Reminding our kids and grandkids what we're all about

I came across a post from the past. It's nearly 10 years old but it's about one aspect of our legacy that may surpass all of them. As a reminder, the three parts of our legacy, as I see it, are the worldly goods we leave behind, a sense of our values and clean closets.

Although the post stands the test of time (you can read it here), I did some editing and rewriting to update it. So here's the refreshed version of my post about Ethical Wills--what they are, why they're important, and easy ways to create them. (No legalese involved.)

What is it: An ethical will isn't a legal document. It's a way to convey to one's children and loved ones the values, hopes, and life lessons we as a parent want to pass on.

 

The case for one: Wills are scrubbed clean of any wording that might, as an estate lawyers' website put it, create "opportunities for court battles and hurt feelings." While those wills are legally adequate they don't, the estate lawyers point out, "sufficiently share the life of the person. ... The real heart of the person, his or her values, beliefs and traditions....These treasures are so valuable and yet often overlooked and even inappropriate for the written legal estate plan."

 

Forms it can take: It doesn't have to be a letter, essay or anything that formal. It can be a series of photos or sketches. It can be a PowerPoint slide show full of family photos, favorite sayings, books that have importance to you, poems that bear quoting, audio clips of favorite music. Apps provide programs that make it less formidable to compile. My family has been using Storyworth. A year's worth of answers to prompts (What were you like in high school? What was your favorite vacation? Are you more like your father or your mother?) and you end up with a bound book that includes photos if you've provided them. (I just completed a prompt on What's your favorite photo? I had two to talk about and included both.)

According to a New York Times story, the technical tools people are using to “to put a human touch on their legacies” include videos, DVDs, digital scrapbooks, iPhone apps (such as StoryCatcher) and  Facebook pages.

 

Impact: The Ethical Will in whatever form it takes can be shared and seen by all your heirs. There is an additional plus:  Estate lawyers, the Times reports, are suggesting their clients use such tech-savvy Ethical Wills as a means of delivering a strong personal message that can help avoid nasty family conflicts. One lawyer noted that messages are best heard when conveyed through tone of voice or posture. “Being appropriately emotional in a video adds more dimensions than just words on paper.”

 

Caveat: Barry Baines, author of “Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper,” reminds us not to "reach out from the grave" and use our legacy link to blame or scold anyone "It should be a love letter from the heart so people can share who they are.”

Bonus: There’s personal enrichment in the process of putting the north star of your life on paper or video. As Baines put it, “Putting together an ethical will early on helps you live life with more intention.”

Extra bonus point: Who doesn’t like to tell their story–and tell it without interruption.

painting: Woman writing at desk, by Lesser Ury

 

 

 

 

 

Observation: Why it's so hard to launch 20-somethings.

In an interview with Laurence Steinberg, NPR reporter A Martinez asked the psychology professor about challenges we parents face in dealing with our 20-something adult children--children who should be more independent than they are or than we were at their age.  Here's Steinberg's observation.

STEINBERG: Parents don't fully understand how hard it is to be in your 20s or 30s today. And so in some senses, a lot of the issues that parents confronted when their kids were teenagers are still surfacing during the young adult years. And I think that that's very surprising for parents.

MARTÍNEZ: But we were in our 20s and 30s once, Laurence. What's so different?

STEINBERG: Well, the economy is very different. The labor force is very different. I mean, the challenges are huge, and it just takes so much more time and money to make the full transition into adulthood. And people nowadays are making that transition at later and later ages. And so a lot of the things that people in our generation did when they were in their mid-20s, let's say, have been pushed into the 30s. And I think this takes parents by surprise.

painting: Roald Dufy

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