Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Post Pandemic Planning: Let the Thanksgiving negotiations begin

I have a moment of hesitation every time I step up to do something I used to do before the pandemic: Fly on an airplane; ride the subway;  eat in a restaurant; have a dinner party with several friends.

Now Thanksgiving is on the horizon, and with it inter-family negotiations over what it will be like this year. Last year, our family "feast" was virtual. We had fun via zoom with my son and his family and my daughter and hers. We posted old photos and held a family quiz over captions for the photos. We laughed a lot and everyone participated.  (Here's my post on how we and other families did Zoomsgivings.)

Now we are free to move about the country and be together in person. I feel that momentary qualm of hesitation. Yet even Doctor Fauci says it's okay. The deeper issue for our family is, will we return to Thanksgiving the way it was before we had to quarantine? How will we adjust to new family circumstances and year-old issues that couldn't get worked out last year? Since our grown children live traveling distance away from us and from eachother, who's going to brave the highways or the congested airports? Will we have to create a brave, new "Build Back Better" holiday?

Discussions and adjustments are underway. The heart wants to go back to the way things were for the past decade or so, but can we? Our families, like most, are in flux. One granddaughter is in Italy--she won't make it home for Thanksgiving. A 92-year-old cousin, who had not been part of our Thanksgiving revelries, lives alone and has grown frail. He's in need of a holiday pick-me-up, but he doesn't live near any of us. How do we bring holiday company to him? Do we, as my daughter put it, "abandon tradition." Logistics are such that we may have to split up who goes where and change the day of the week that we celebrate the holiday and with whom.

It's a delicate situation. So many moving parts, so many possibilities and so many sensitive feelings. We have to take care. We could so easily end up with a family misunderstanding or rift. But there's no turning back to yesterday--make that, the year before the year before. 

“The moving finger writes; and, having writ, moves on..."  Or so Omar Khayyam reminds us.

I'm hoping that our moving fingers will write a plan for a Thanksgiving we'll all enjoy, where everyone can participate one way or another and where we'll find lots to laugh about. Let the hesitancy end; let the diplomacy begin.

painting: Norman Rockwell

 

New Year Blues: The pain of holiday visits with adult kids

The holidays were barely over when the calls for help started pouring into Jane Adams help line. Parents of adult children had had a rough time during the "joyous" December celebrations. Adams, a social psychologist, reports that she had more inquiries for coaching "from parents whose grown kids disappointed them by not showing up, blaming them for their own problems, calling them toxic, or ignoring them completely."

Ugh. Holiday visits can be devastating, especially when those visits go on for too long and there's over-exposure to--and resentment of--the role each family member plays in the family dynamic. Many adult kids regress when they're home for the holidays. As one psychotherapist put it, "It’s not a question of if the regression is going to happen, it’s when." Or as a NYTimes writer, writing from the adult child's perspective, put it:

Psychologists even have a term to describe the way we fall back into predictable, maddening behavior patterns when we’re with our family of origin. It’s called family systems theory — the notion that families have an equilibrium, and each person has a fixed role that “is in service of keeping the family system intact,” said psychiatrist Pooja Lakshmin. So whatever your established role is — whether you’re the appeaser, or the family clown, or the petulant one — you’re going to be thrown right back there the second you walk through the door of your childhood home.

And that's only one piece of the difficult stuff that can surface when our grown kids come to visit for the holidays..

No wonder that for most families there's what Adams calls "a mismatch of expectations and reality." The silver lining in this reality--and the hope held out by Adams--is talking through the issues but with a particular perspective in mind. Here's Adams:

Starting the new year with a thoughtful, honest, conversation about how to heal the relationship instead of a blow by blow recitation about what transpired and whose fault it was makes it more likely that 2025 will be happier for everyone.

Here's to a New Year graced with family peace, love and joy.

Credit: Pierre Bonnard

 

 

Surviving Holiday Feasts: Getting the help you need

At a coffee with my friend C a week before Thanksgiving, she put her head in her hands and said, "I'm already tired." Now, C's husband does most of the Thanksgiving cooking but C does the cold dishes plus all the prep work--the constant shopping trips to supermarkets and farm markets and cleaning the house and the chef's spills--plus she sets up the table to accommodate a dozen guests (including two toddlers and one newborn), searches out the requisite number of plates and chairs for the crowd then arranges flowers and greens to beautify the table and the living room. Her bottom line: why couldn't her son and daughter-in-law take over the next holiday meal? They have a bigger house and more room for guests who are under five.

She is not alone in her forward thinking. In a November column Caroline Hax reported that she had just been on a video call with "multiple middle-aged women who all would preempt the holidays for exhaustion recovery."

Personally, I handed over the Thanksgiving dinner "privilege" to my DIL (and son) several years ago.  It was for practical reasons having to do with travel. But, whether it's practicalities or exhaustion, there comes a time when we pass the torch. In doing so we may find our kids simplify the festivities or change things up in a fun way. Our beloved traditions--the way we cooked the turkey; the heirlooms we used to set the table--may take hits but the world is changing and maybe the next generation's new way will take root and become a tradition.

A newsletter from Axios a week before Thanksgiving noted four ways to the week "a little less stressful and a little more joyful" --without veering too far from tradition or handing over the reins.  Here they are:

Shortcuts are fine — and delicious. Store-bought pies and dinner rolls are great, canned cranberry sauce is a classic, and Butterball even has a new cook-from-frozen turkey that comes pre-brined, so all you need to do is unwrap it and cook it.

Make it up! Don't feel limited by the traditional Thanksgiving lineup. If there's a side dish you often prepare and that feels easy and comfortable, add it to your menu. Tweak tradition.

Summon the troops! Whether you throw a BYOB dinner, ask guests to bring appetizers, or put them in charge of reheating the sides, lean on them to make your job easier. If you're a guest, ask what you can bring or if you're needed in the kitchen during crunch time.

Focus on the fun. If you're hosting Thanksgiving, there's probably one or two things about it that you especially like — maybe that's roasting the juiciest turkey, making a favorite family dish or decorating the table. Put extra care into the parts of Thanksgiving that make you happy, and use tips and tricks to get through the rest.

Hope these tips help ease your way. Happy Holidays.

painting: Cezanne

Surviving Thanksgiving Togetherness: 5 boundaries to keep the family in line during the "holidays"

Here they come again: The holidays and their feasts. As parents of adult children (and possibly as grandparents as well) we have our expectations of how joyous Thanksgiving dinner or the long weekend of togetherness will be--or how stressful and difficult. Whether we're hosting or another family member is, our grown children have their concerns too and they might be very different from ours. One thing we've got in common, though, is the need to set boundaries--about how much time we'll spend together, what are appropriate topics to discuss at dinner and how to deal with overly personal questions. No one wants to be asked how much weight they've gained or why their face looks so tired.

Psychotherapists suggest that setting a few boundaries ahead of time can help keep the celebrations wherever they take place pleasant and peaceful. In that spirit and hope, here are five suggested ways on how to work those boundaries into your family get-together. They are paraphrased and edited from this article in Bustle.

1. Set Conversation Limits: Talk around the table or pre- or post- dinner can turn tense when politics, religion, money or queries about the love life of a family member arise. Set limits on what's permissible and if anyone objects, remind them that everyone is here for a happy visit and we want everyone to have a good time. "Framing it as beneficial to them might inspire them to be more understanding."

2. Personalize Time Limits: Thanksgiving and the Christmas Holidays often come with various other family events or parties. It's easy to get overwhelmed, burnt out or stretched thin. So, decide how much time and energy you’re willing to allot to family events — and stick to it. The same goes true for understanding how much time and energy your adult kids want to expend.

3. Prepare Newcomers: If your kids (or you) are bringing a new partner or a guest, remind them to fill the newcomer in on family dynamics and traditions--things like dress code, topics of discussion and sleeping arrangements. The more you share with them, the smoother things will go.

4. Pre-Script Retorts: If you know the awkward questions specific family members might ask, be prepared with simple answers, such as "Thanks for asking, but I’m focusing on enjoying dinner.” Or if you know some family members are likely to comment on other family members' (or your)  weight, body shape and/or eating habits, you can be prepared with a universal rejoinder, such as  "Please do not comment on anyone's body.”

5. Take a Break: All of us need a breather when we're surrounded by more people and for longer times than we're used to. Give yourself permission to step away if you start feeling overwhelmed--and recognize that your adult kids, grandkids or other family members may have the same need. No need to take their stepping away personally.

painting: Norman Rockwell

 

 

 

 

 

Vacation Togetherness: Seven tips to keep a get-away with grown kids running smoothly

'Tis almost the end of the season to revel in summer vacations with our grown kids and possibly grandkids. It's also the start of thinking about next year or a winter-holiday getaway with the kids.

So, here's an underlying truth to think about. Whether we're paying all or some of the tab, traveling to an exotic place, staying put in a beach or ski house or setting up tents in the great outdoors, we go into our vacations with high hopes: Everyone will enjoy being with each other. Everyone will be on their best behavior--we're all relaxed and on vacation, right?

We know there's a flaw in the logic. Everyone--our kids, their significant others, the grandkids, the whoever-elses included in our family vacation--brings themselves not some new iteration of themselves. Grownup brothers with gripes going back to their childhood may still get ticked off at a minor slight; boisterous grandkids may be irritating as 5:00 rolls around and we're ready to nurse a glass of wine.

We can't control others. We can, though, take some tips from various experts on how to keep the family togetherness as pleasurable as possible.

Space Out: Buy as big a tent (or several), rent as many hotel rooms or as capacious an Airbnb as you can afford. That leaves everyone--and I'm thinking of myself here--room to escape from whatever irritant is around.

Lower the Temperature: Steer clear of touting the vacation as the greatest opportunity to see the world or to have a fantastic family reunion. Keep expectations on the down-low. This is especially true if you're splurging on a pricey vacation. As one clinical psychologist put it in a NYTimes story, we may feel like our family members are "going to reward our efforts and our money spent with good behavior." They are not.

Build in Alone Time: Although we love our children, grandchildren and assorted relatives, we also need downtime without them. Many of us are no longer used to being surrounded by lots of people all day long. We need to take a walk, go out for tea or a beer, or find a quiet place to read or just plain think.

Spread the Planning Around: Check with everyone--including the grandkids--on what they'd like to do on any given day (or in planning the vacation). Even if their wishes can't be met, everyone is likely to feel better if they've had a voice in a plan.

Opt Out: As we get older we may have to be more realistic about what we can do physically. As the NYTimes story put it, "Halfway up a steep set of cathedral stairs isn't a great time to realize some travelers should have passed on the outing."  Not that we have to be stay behind. One friend who's recuperating from a pulled hamstring says she went with everyone to the foot of a mountain trail her kids and grandkids were going to climb. But she brought along a book and found a shaded spot to wait for their return and tales of their adventure.

Be Prepared: It's not just physical limits that need to be taken into account--so do such realities as stroller policies, the availability of bathrooms and alternative transportation. That is, check on the availability and costs of cabs, Uber/Lyft and other means of making a side trip easier on and more comfortable for everyone.

Account for Costs: Before anyone steps into their car, onto a plane or hauls themselves onto a cruise ship, all adults should know in advance who's paying for what--or, if we're picking up the tab, what's included in our largesse.

This is not my first post on vacation togetherness. I've written about these and similar issues here and here and here.

painting: Travel Jetty at Trouville, Eugene Boudin

Holiday Surprises: What to do (and not do) when your child brings someone special home?

All families have their holiday traditions. For those of us who plan for a full family get-together over an extravagant holiday feast, there may be a surprise in store when our grown kids head for home. They may bring a new love interest, someone who may be a possible new partner in their life. Or they may use the family setting to announce a commitment to someone you've already met.

Amidst all the tumult of various family members pouring through the doors and taking up residence on the sofa, how do we deal with our child and their guest who may become an important person in our lives?

Writing in Psychology Today, Jane Adams has some pertinent advice. It starts with this important point: By bringing someone home and incorporating them into the family tradition, they're not asking for your permission or even your blessing.

Here's Adams' fuller expansion on that point:

The holidays, which often reunite far-flung kith and kin under one roof for celebratory rituals, are a popular season for couples presenting a ring or otherwise committing to a relationship with a future, whether or not an engagement or marriage is formally announced....

Although a blessing would be nice, it's not required. Young adults aren't really asking, they're telling. Their closed circle is opening up enough to admit you, unless you express your doubts, concerns, or misgivings. They don't want your judgments, they're not asking for your advice or opinion, and unless or until they do, keep it to yourself. Maybe you don't see what they see in him or her, but you don't have to, although there's nothing wrong with saying, "Tell me what you love about them," or even asking, "When did you know this was It?" not in a challenging tone but a gently curious one.

Her final piece of holiday advice:

Grab the newest member of your family, get them under the mistletoe, and plant one on them—after all, it's a blessed time to open your heart as wide as you can.

Vacation Togetherness: Go big to avoid bad vibes

"If it isn't one thing--it's another! It's always something.” Thus spake Gilda Radnor (SNL circa 1970s) as Roseanna Roseanadana. I think of that line now as summer vacations loom.  Some of us may loll on beaches or travel the country without our children and grandchildren. Others of us, though, are planning intergenerational get-togethers. In today's new normal, we may find our vacations afflicted by canceled flights, positive Covid readings or last-minute schedules/obligations of our adult children, their spouses or their children.

We can't control any of the above. But there is stuff we can. One of them is space. If we're picking up the tab for an oceanside beach house, a chalet in the mountains or a campsite in the woods, think big. Rent as spacious a place as you can afford. There's nothing like enough bedrooms to go around or an extra alcove where someone can chill out and take the edge off the inevitable stress of being together on a family vacation.

I make this point in a previous post on family vacations  and in an article that ran in Next Avenue. More recently, I'm backed up on the space issue by Karl Pillemer, a sociologist and gerontologist at Cornell whose research focuses on intergenerational relations.  In a piece in the NYTimes, Pillemer suggests physical distance is important in reducing family tensions. While he is addressing the stresses of holiday visits, what he says about "taking some space" is relevant to vacations as well. "The goal is to focus on underreacting--and stepping away when you need a break."

paintings: Henri Matisse

 

Holiday Greetings: And a reminder about stress and family get togethers.

The Holidays are upon us. May there be peace and joy in our lives and in family get-togethers.

But just in case, here's a column I wrote a few months ago about the behavioral stresses at play when our adult children are in our company for extended periods of time. May we all relax and enjoy our children's company and they revel in ours without pushing any emotional buttons. So as a reminder, here's the column on the baked-in stresses of holiday get-togethers with adult children:

The holidays are coming. Maybe you've been distracted by the disastrous hurricanes or the sudden outbreak of winter weather. But Thanksgiving is not that far away. That dinner often sits on the back burner because, unlike multi-generational family get-togethers around Christmas, it's supposedly free of stress and anxiety.

Don't you believe it! Thanksgiving may not mean gift-giving and big get-togethers at grandma's house; it may not have religious overtones or problems with someone drinking too much eggnog. But it still creates demands on family togetherness. 

One friend, whose son and daughter are both married with teenage children, is navigating a path between Thanksgiving "suggestions" from her children. The siblings had a falling out this summer and now their proposals for Thanksgiving dinner, though based on rational reasons, exclude the other one. A compromise has been hammered out: The grandparents (my friend and her spouse) will spend Thanksgiving Thursday dinner with their son, who lives nearby and travel to Boston on Friday to have a second Thanksgiving feast with their daughter and her family. It's not that the compromise is an unreasonable solution. In fact, many of us who can't be in two places at once, have doubled down (doubled up?) on Thanksgiving dinners. We did so last year.  For my friend, though, the double dinner makes it clear that the animosity between her children has not cleared up, and that's what's making her miserable about Thanksgiving.

There's another stress that may surface around holiday visits--especially when they include an overnight or two at our house or theirs. Some of our kids may be worried about spending too much time with us! This issue was posed and answered in a New York Times story with the provocative title: Your Mom is destined to annoy you

The column handed out suggestions to help our grown children survive a holiday visit with us. Since visits are a two-way street, here's the "sanity-preserving advice" they're getting that may apply to us as well.

Prepare for your inevitable regression. From our children's persepctive, "It’s not a question of if the regression is going to happen, it’s when."

Our kids are advised to ask themselves where there are "particular topics of conversation or physical places that tend to send your family into a tizzy" and then try to avoid those topics and places.

One solid piece of advice we can act on as well: "if the family dinner table always devolves into chaos, try going out to eat one night and see if it improves relations."

Get ready for parenting criticism. Our adult children--particularly our daughters--are on knife's edge waiting for us to criticize their mothering skills. How grandchildren are being raised is a major trigger for this dynamic. 

Our daughters are advised to “try to remind yourself that it feels like criticism, but it is an expression of caring. Your mother just wants everything to go well for you, and she’s trying to help (even if it makes you want to scream into a pillow)."

We are offered advice on how to keep that screaming to a minimum: "Bite your tongue, because even the most benign (to you) suggestion may be perceived as criticism." 

Make space for yourself. You will need an escape hatch from time to time.

Our kids are advised to create space in order to "get some emotional distance from your family." This could mean hiding out in the bathroom for 10 minutes to cool down, structuring the length of visits or springing for a hotel rather than staying in our guest room.

What works for them should work for us as well. It's not as though we aren't feeling similar tensions and need breathing room as well. Just don't let that bathroom get too crowded.

Don’t expect change. The holidays are stressful. "There won’t be a magical solution to your family trauma over the holidays."

This is not, our kids are advised--and we are too--"the time to bring up old baggage and expect to work through it."

Forewarned is forearmed. On with the holidays. Let joy be unconfined.

painting: Baillargeon

 

Family Harmony and Holidays: The stress is baked in

The holidays are coming. Maybe you've been distracted by the disastrous hurricanes or the sudden outbreak of winter weather. But Thanksgiving is not that far away. That dinner often sits on the back burner because, unlike multi-generational family get-togethers around Christmas, it's supposedly free of stress and anxiety.

Don't you believe it! Thanksgiving may not mean gift-giving and big get-togethers at grandma's house; it may not have religious overtones or problems with someone drinking too much eggnog. But it still creates demands on family togetherness. 

One friend, whose son and daughter are both married with teenage children, is navigating a path between Thanksgiving "suggestions" from her children. The siblings had a falling out this summer and now their proposals for Thanksgiving dinner, though based on rational reasons, exclude the other one. A compromise has been hammered out: The grandparents (my friend and her spouse) will spend Thanksgiving Thursday dinner with their son, who lives nearby and travel to Boston on Friday to have a second Thanksgiving feast with their daughter and her family. It's not that the compromise is an unreasonable solution. In fact, many of us who can't be in two places at once, have doubled down (doubled up?) on Thanksgiving dinners. We did so last year.  For my friend, though, the double dinner makes it clear that the animosity between her children has not cleared up, and that's what's making her miserable about Thanksgiving.

There's another stress that may surface around holiday visits--especially when they include an overnight or two at our house or theirs. Some of our kids may be worried about spending too much time with us! This issue was posed and answered in a New York Times story with the provocative title: Your Mom is destined to annoy you

The column handed out suggestions to help our grown children survive a holiday visit with us. Since visits are a two-way street, here's the "sanity-preserving advice" they're getting that may apply to us as well.

Prepare for your inevitable regression. From our children's persepctive, "It’s not a question of if the regression is going to happen, it’s when."

Our kids are advised to ask themselves where there are "particular topics of conversation or physical places that tend to send your family into a tizzy" and then try to avoid those topics and places.

One solid piece of advice we can act on as well: "if the family dinner table always devolves into chaos, try going out to eat one night and see if it improves relations."

Get ready for parenting criticism. Our adult children--particularly our daughters--are on knife's edge waiting for us to criticize their mothering skills. How grandchildren are being raised is a major trigger for this dynamic. 

Our daughters are advised to “try to remind yourself that it feels like criticism, but it is an expression of caring. Your mother just wants everything to go well for you, and she’s trying to help (even if it makes you want to scream into a pillow)."

We are offered advice on how to keep that screaming to a minimum: "Bite your tongue, because even the most benign (to you) suggestion may be perceived as criticism." 

Make space for yourself. You will need an escape hatch from time to time.

Our kids are advised to create space in order to "get some emotional distance from your family." This could mean hiding out in the bathroom for 10 minutes to cool down, structuring the length of visits or springing for a hotel rather than staying in our guest room.

What works for them should work for us as well. It's not as though we aren't feeling similar tensions and need breathing room as well. Just don't let that bathroom get too crowded.

Don’t expect change. The holidays are stressful. "There won’t be a magical solution to your family trauma over the holidays."

This is not, our kids are advised--and we are too--"the time to bring up old baggage and expect to work through it."

Forewarned is forearmed. On with the holidays. Let joy be unconfined.

painting: "Concert" by Gerrit von Honthorst

 

Visits with Adult Children: The importance of time limits

 

I have long espoused my Blitzkreig theory: When visiting grown children who don't live near you, Get In, Get Hugs, Get Out. I have perfected the two -day visit for weekends, holidays or stop-bys on the way to somewhere else.

I have been vindicated about my approach. Science is with me, and the time is right to share this science with my readers since many of us whose children live far from us are now able to spend time together--whether our children (and their families) come to us or we go to them.

If you spent a long weekend or a week with your kids at your house or theirs and everything was perfect every waking minute, my hat is off to you. For most of us, though, there are tiny timebombs that go off the longer the visit goes on. When my mother used to visit me for three weeks at a time, by the end of week one I had broken out in hives, week two my ulcer kicked up, and in week three my back regressed to a painful past. So the Blitzkrieg is personal for me: I may not be the judgmental guest my mother was, but I still don't want to inflict an over-long stay on my children.

Let me digress no further. Here's the science I'm talking about. It has to do with our grown kids' reaction to us--not the other way around. But it explains why there are hiccups and occasionally unpleasant outbreaks during family visits.

A New York Times article had this commentary from psychiatrist Pooja Lakshmin:

 Psychologists have a term to describe the way we fall back into predictable, maddening behavior patterns when we’re with our family of origin. It’s called family systems theory — the notion that families have an equilibrium, and each person has a fixed role that “is in service of keeping the family system intact.”  So whatever your established role is — whether you’re the appeaser, or the family clown, or the petulant one — you’re going to be thrown right back there the second you walk through the door of your childhood home.

Research professor Kira Birditt, reported:

94 percent of respondents to her study on tensions between parents and adult children admitted there was some kind of strife in their relationships. Research also shows that the connection between mothers and adult daughters is especially fraught. Of all relationships, it is the closest and most irritating.

Speaking of the close-but-irritating relationship, author and linguistics professor Deborah Tannen notes the specific underlying tensions between mothers and daughters:

Mothers and daughters tend to expect more from each other than from anyone else. There is a constant struggle between mothers and daughters to balance closeness vs. distance and being the same vs. being different from each other.

Coming soon: A post on how we can, besides keeping them short, keep our visits sweet.

painting: Renoir, Madame et ses enfants

 

 

Vacationing with Grown Children and Grandkids: Five rules for the road and the rental

Summer vacations are on the horizon. If we spent vacation time away with our grown kids and their kids last year or in pre-Covid times, we may have had vacations that were lively and refreshing--or they may have been filled with cooking, cleaning and a lot of babysitting. We may have come home with nothing more than the semi-excitement of a change of scene and the busyness of constant company.

How to make sure this year we're on a three-generation holiday where we have as relaxing or invigorating a time as our kids and grandkids? Here are five rules to keep things rolling along smoothly.

Great expectations: Each of us has our own vision of what our vacation should look like. We may want to sit by the ocean and stare at the waves or play tennis every day or take a long walk every morning. Or just sleep late every morning. If we talk to each other in advance about what we really, really want out of our vacation, we can accommodate each other. That is, our kids won't ask us to babysit when it's our time to go off and read. And we won't disappear when we know it's our grown kids' time to play tennis with each other. Knowing each person's vacation goals also means you probably won't do everything together. And that's okay. It's even a bonus:  It can make dinner conversations livelier.

Sharing the chores: If you're renting a house--or if you're lucky enough to own a retreat of your own--you don't want to be stuck cooking all the meals, stocking the refrigerator or vacuuming the day's litter every morning. A lot of families assign a dinner per person or family so that responsibility for cooking and clean-up gets spread around. As to babysitting patrol, some of us find that delightful but if you have your limits--and I do--there's nothing wrong with laying down some markers. For instance, you can encourage your kids to enjoy a date night and offer to babysit for the evening--which is a subtle reminder that you're not on duty all the time.

Splitting the costs: Many of us pick up the tab for family vacations--our kids are just establishing their careers; we have more expendable income than they do. Or, as sociologist Madonna Harington Meyer put it in an interview, "there is very little money flowing uphill" on family trips.  But as our kids' families expand (larger families mean larger rental quarters) and we near or are in retirement, that one-way street may not work as well. Or even be necessary. We don't have to keep doing things as we've always done them. We won't get a cold shoulder if we ask them to share the rent on a beach house or split the grocery bill or if we let them take us out to dinner. A corollary to this rule is to get as big a house or campsite or tent as the family can afford: It will be worth it.

Parenting rules: Our grown kids set the rules for their kids. No argument there. While we may indulge our grandkids when they spend a few hours with us at home or on a special trip, the flaunting of the parental rules is not okay on vacations when we're crammed into a house together. A further complication: if two of our kids and their families are with us on vacation, we may have to juggle their different approaches to parenting. This one allows juice drinks; that one forbids them. This one allows swimming without water wings; that one doesn't--good luck remembering which is which. Best approach: ask before doing. If a grandkid wants to eat your portion of chocolate lava cake, don't just push your plate in front of them. Ask their mom or dad if a taste is okay.

Escape time: I loved our family vacations in Vermont with my kids and their young families. But the grandpops and I made ourselves scarce at around 4:30. That was usually melt-down time for the little kids, and the parents knew better than this grannie how to handle tired children who needed quiet time. Extra credit: When we came back on the scene, we were rested and refreshed. A guilt-free pleasure.

photo: Maia Lemov