Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Gift Giving: Bringing the warmth to cold cash.

Young adult kids and teen-plus grandkids are well beyond the Toys for Xmas stage. The Holidays and birthdays bring more of a gift challenge. Could we possibly pick out a sweater or shirt that would be appropriate in their world? A tech device they don't have or we could afford? A book they would read? Probably not.

Fear not. There is a gift that is useful, always the right size and never needs to be returned.  Cash. But there is a down side: Whether we're writing a check, handing out paper currency or sending the money via Zelle, a gift of cash can seem cold and impersonal.

Which brings up the question, are there ways to warm it up? With some suggestions/discussions I saw online, I found one that worked for me and-- bonus points--made it oh-so-easy for my Grands to say Thank You with immediacy.

Here's what I did. I sent each of my college-age Grands a text that started with some doggerel, "Your Holiday present is coming by Zelle/I think you'll find that works out well." Then I personalized each text with an upbeat rhyme or two for how they could use the gift--no strings attached, of course. I tapped send, opened my bank account's app and Zelled each one their gift. They no sooner got the text and the Zelle notice than a return text came back with a Thank You, heart emojis and a loving comment.

Bottom line: Gift sent, thank you received, don't have to think about it anymore.

Did any of you go the cash or gift card route this year? Did you find ways to make it look like the loving gift it was? Comment below with anything you're willing to share.

Credit: Louisiane Saint Fleurant

 

 

Grandparents and Holiday Gifts: Giving grandkids presents from our grown child's childhood.

Our social media feeds and retail websites are exploding with gift ideas for our grandkids--a dancing robot, AI Flying Orb, a remote-controlled spider. No wonder some of us are living a sentimental moment when we see in our attic or basement the adorable play kitchen our kids spent hours with or the 6-year-old-sized red roadster that once made its way up and down our halls. We've taken good care of these toys--even refurbished a dent or two--so why not offer them as holiday gifts to our Grands? Recycling raised to a delightfully nostalgic height.

The question is, can we--should we--unload the treasures from our children's childhood via holiday gifts to our grandkids?  They might make for a magical moment--and they might not.

 The "might not" falls under the heading of communication, as in, ask the parents if they think the gift might work. For instance, some toys may not trigger the happy feelings we think they should. Our kids may have had unpleasant experiences with neighbors when they took that roadster out for a ride on the sidewalk. Or they may think a toy they loved is not right for their child. Or their cramped city apartment may not have the space to house a play kitchen; there may be no storage space for large items. 

There's another point that toy historian Chris Byrne makes. That is, the toys our children played with when they were small children--and the way they played with them--helped form them as adults.  Stephen Sondheim, for instance, loved word games as a child. Playwright Terence McNally played constantly with a puppet theater. Byrne himself loved Matchbox cars. Does that mean the toys we saved from our children's youth are right for their children? Moreover, is there something to be said for keeping up with trends? Here's an excerpt from a Ted talk Byrne gave on the subject of toys and their ties to our personal history:

Widely popular toys are sometimes the first shared cultural experience many children ever have, and they can become cultural events as well. Think back of the fads of the past decades. We had Rubik's Cube, we had Cabbage Patch, Zhu Zhu Pets, Pet Rock, right? And now we're in the middle of Squishmallows.

But I truly think that when we look back at what we loved, we can see the seeds of who we were going to become,

personally and professionally. Now I grant you, this is much more an art than a science, but I believe that each of us has an inherent play style that's as unique as our fingerprints.

So before we tie a ribbon around it and lug the play kitchen over to our adult child's living room, we might want to talk to the parents about whether they want to impose their fingerprints on their child (our grandchild)--or just let them play with their mom's or dad's toys when they come to visit us. 

painting: Picasso

 

 

 

 

Gift Giving: Grrr. The frustration when a Thank You is not forthcoming.

Gratitude never goes out of season and yet, when it comes to our kids and grandkids, acknowledging a gift may not be "on trend" for them or, as the French so stylishly put it, pas au courant. The formal, hand-penned Thank You note has become outmoded for younger-than-us generations but neither an email, text nor cellphone call should be. Many of us have learned to accept the techie shortcuts. And yet, too often they too don't appear. It's particularly aggravating when it comes to kids and grandkids to whom we've sent monetary gifts. Since cash, gift card or Zelle are always the right color and fit, it's hard to accept that our grown kids or grandkids couldn't find a mini-minute to voice mail a Thanks for our largesse or text a Thx or TY.

It's a long-running frustration. You can read my previous posts on the point here, here and here.

I'm addressing the issue again because of an additional perspective I came across in a Michele Singletary (The Color of Money) column in the Washington Post.

Singletary starts off by standing by tradition: "Some gestures," she writes, "are timeless, such as sending a thank you note." But she also bows to the new reality and goes all-in for the teaching moment and the gentle reminder. Here are five of the suggestions Singletary offers for taking on a beloved giftee who has forgotten or failed to say Thanks.

Don’t compound the etiquette breach with a scolding. But it is appropriate to share your feelings.

Watch your tone. Approach it as a teaching moment, not a reprimand.

Also, explain that you’d like to know whether they received the gift. Postal mishaps and poor delivery might mean the gift never arrived.

If straight talk doesn’t work, be bold. The next gift could come with a box of thank-you cards.

Okay, maybe a handwritten note (or typed letter) or card isn’t necessary. But let the person know you still would like a call or even a text message.

Singletary ends with a droll take on the issue by Miss Manners (aka Judith Martin).

Reader's query: “I have heard that it is not proper to thank people for Christmas gifts. What is the official rule of etiquette about Christmas gifts?”

Miss Manner's reply: “Generosity and gratitude are permanently paired. Those would-be etiquetteers who declare expressing thanks to be no longer required have done only half the job. They must also then abolish the custom of giving — or, what always turns out to be the case with them — accepting presents.”

credit: painting by Frank Auerbach

Money Matters: Great expectations on gifts for new grandkids

A friend, C, called this morning. Distraught. Needing to vent. She was upset about expectations for a gift for a second grandchild who is due in a few months.  On a visit to her son and family over the weekend, C and her co-grandparent (D) had made an offer to their son and his wife: They would buy the basic room furnishings--crib and dresser--for the new baby, as they had for the first grandchild.

The son was appreciative, and the next day sent C a link to bed and dresser for their 4-year-old son--on the theory that the new baby would inherit the crib and dresser from their brother.

So far, so good--until my friend C opened the link. The bed and dresser were roughly five times what she and the grandpop thought they would spend as a gift--certainly, it was much more than the crib set they had sent as a gift four years earlier. True, there's been inflation and a bed and dresser for a young boy are more expensive than a crib and dresser for a baby. But my friend was outraged, in part at her son's expectations but also at the high-priced furniture he and his wife had chosen.

C is from the Midwest, born into a working-class family where money was tight and the idea of a gift for an adult child was a non-starter.  She admits her background colors the way she sees things. That said, she was stunned not only at the high price of the furniture but its cost in light of the upcoming expenses her son and his family faced for a new baby.

C told me that she and the grandpop had agreed that they couldn't afford the furniture the son and his wife had chosen and that they would instead offer a cash gift to be used for furniture or other expenses. This seemed like a reasonable and fair compromise. But then she went further: She wants to sit her son down and tell him his expenses are too high and that he has to trim down his choices for such items as a new bed and dresser for the older grandchild.

Does that cross a line? In today's world of parenting grown children, unless we the parents are asked to contribute in a major way, our adult child's family budget is none of our business. Not only that. Spending habits and pressures have changed since our generation and that may be why what seems a value issue ("They bought too expensive a house!") is more likely a financial fact of life. (Housing is more expensive today.)

The share of money going toward essentials like food, housing and medical care has dramatically changed in the past few decades. For instance, when some of us were our parents' young adult children, we didn't have to spend as much on health care, housing or education as young families do today. But we had to fork out more for food, clothing and transportation. This is according to a Washington Post analysis of Consumer Expenditure Survey data. And then, of course, there are costs we never faced: charges for Internet access, wi-fi, cell phones and all the accouterments of the modern digital age.

After C vented, she backed off the idea of intruding into her son's financial affairs. After all, it wasn't as though he and his wife were behind in mortgage payments, not paying utility bills or failing to provide food for the family. There were no red flags that would invite an intervention. It's just hard sometimes to sit back and watch our kids spend their money in ways we would not. But budgeting is an exercise in setting priorities. They have theirs and they may not be ours.

Painting: Vincent Van Gogh, The Blue Room

 

 

Money Matters: If there are strings attached to a gift, tie them on in advance

Sometimes we surprise ourselves with our generosity. We give our children a large gift-----enough money to, say, buy a car, put a downpayment on a house or take out a first-rate health insurance policy. But then they use the money in ways we did not intend-- they go on a lavish vacation or buy themselves a designer wardrobe. We end up frustrated and angry.

What's our recourse? Here's an answer from Philip Galanes and his Social Qs.  It's to a widowed mother who offered her only child the gift of the family home. While the gift is a house per se, Galanes' answer covers all the gift bases:

The mother in question wrote Galanes to say she had offered her son and his fiance, who live in another city, her home if they would "come back here to raise a family." The son accepted but when she suggested he build a guesthouse on the site for her, her son demurred. "They assumed," the mother writes, "I would move into a condo. I was shattered! The next day, he said he was sorry if I felt they were kicking me out of my house. I do. I also think if I don’t go along with them, they will stay where they are. "

Here's the gist of Galanes' answer that applies to all of us gift givers. (bold face are mine):

Your impulse to give your home to your son was a generous one. But even with gifts — maybe especially with gifts — it is crucial to express any conditions we have in mind when we make the offer. Here, I don’t think a reasonable person would expect the gift of a home to include your continued residency in it — unless you mentioned that fact.

Now, I also know how natural it is to daydream about happy situations. For you, that may include living in an extended-family household with your son and his fiancée. And it’s easy to assume that other people want the same things we do. That’s why communication is so important: Sometimes, they don’t.

art credit: Hilary Pecis, "Piecemeal Rhythm"

 

Money Matters: Should a financial gift come with strings attached?

We are a generation that wants to--especially if we have the wherewithal to--help our kids out financially. Whether it's a gift to assist with the downpayment on their first house or money to pay health insurance premiums, we're often very generous with our grown children.

Whatever the reasons behind the gift, there is always a question of whether they do with it what we intended. That is, if we hand over a chunk of cash to pay down their car loan, will we be angry if they use the cash to buy new clothes.

In a recent Social Qs column, Philip Galanes answered a reader who told Galanes she often sends her brother and sister-in-law, who were living in financially tight circumstances, a check "to make their lives easier." Her aim, she explained, was to make sure they had money for emergencies; that her largesse would, in effect, be put aside as a safety net. But when her brother called to thank her for a recent gift, he mentioned that he and his wife had used it to travel to Europe. Her question--and one that applies directly to those of us who are financially generous to our grown children--was, how could she make sure, without dictating how they use the money, that they use it responsibly--at least responsibly in her eyes.

Galanes's answer is a practical one for those of us who struggle with the same or a similar issue:

There is nothing wrong with calling your brother to say: “Please tell me to butt out if you like, but I worry about your financial security. If you ever have an emergency and can’t pay an essential bill, please let me know, and I will try to pitch in.” From a distance, this seems to be what you want to do: help protect them without becoming their bank or fairy godmother.

But to continue giving them money and then feeling resentful when they spend it differently from how you imagined, isn’t fair to any of you — particularly given your hazy sense of their financial condition and prudence.

In other words, we can tell our kids there's a string attached to a particular gift--paying off of a car loan, say--and hope they use it that way or we could pay off the loan directly. No point building up resentments over gifts: they're supposed to be joyful and helpful not a sourse of future ill will.

Blessed are those of us who are able to give the gift and trust our children to use it as they see best.

painting: Picasso

 

Money Matters: Can we control the gifts rich relatives give our kids?

We're a protective species. When it comes to our kids, we want fair play in all things, even when it's only a matter of gifts from family members. Or maybe I should say, especially when it's gifts from family members and even more especially when those relatives happen to be rich. We may not want them to give our kids hefty high school or college graduation checks for fear of our kids feeling "entitled." Or we may appreciate their being generous but we want them to be even-handed--making as big a fuss over one child as the next. (I posted on this issue here.)

Beyond fairness, we may have high expectations that a wealthy uncle or sister will shower our child with a lavish wedding gift when that child marries, a gift that might help set them up in life.

That was the issue raised in Social Qs. The complaint a mother of the bride sent to Philip Galanes was straightforward:

My daughter got married last month...My sister and her husband came with their two children. They are extremely wealthy — like, flying-on-private-jets-to-expensive-vacation-homes wealthy! (We are not.) I assumed they would give my daughter a generous cash gift to be used as an eventual down payment on a home. Instead, they gave her five place settings from her gift registry that cost $500. I am hurt and angry about their lack of generosity. My mother thinks I should talk to my sister about this so it doesn’t affect our relationship. Your thoughts?

It will come as no surprise to anyone who follows Social Qs that Galanes sees the situation through a different prism. He reminds the mother of the bride that she is not entitled to "commandeer other people's money."

Galanes then adds a sound observation and solid piece of advice:

"Where I come from, $500 is not a chintzy wedding gift. And you didn’t say anything about your daughter’s relationship with her aunt and uncle. So I disagree with your mother for now: Don’t talk to your sister about her gift until you have made peace with the fact that it was hers to give."

photo credit: Maia Lemov

Observation: What to do when our kids don't remember each other's milestone moments

 

When I was young and had just gotten married, my brother did not give me a wedding gift. Not that it bothered me. I'm not sure I even noticed. We weren't particularly close. What did bother me is that months later my mother brought me a gift--a small hand-painted ceramic butterfly--that she said my brother bought for me as a wedding gift. He had not, and her attempt to right what she saw as a wrong hurt more than the supposed "wrong." I still have that stupid butterfly and it is still a sad symbol of dysfunction between me, my brother and my mother.

I am reminded of my butterfly moment by a question raised by a Social Q's reader. The overall issue is whether we are the gatekeepers for the interpersonal relationships between and among our children. If our daughter forgets her brother's birthday--or those of his children--is it our job to be the tick on her to-do calendar? What if one sibling remembers the other but not vice versa. What's our role in keeping our adult children up to snuff on observing important occasions in each other's lives?

Social Q's Philip Galanes has an answer and it boils down to four words: Stay out of it. But let me give you the full situation and the nuanced wisdom Galanes imparts to the mother who wrote to him:

The situation: Galanes' reader (the mom) has three sons. The wives of the two older sons remember to send the siblings, their spouses and children gifts or cards to commemorate milestone events such as birthdays. The youngest son, who was unmarried, was "spotty about acknowledging" these occasions. He married recently and his mom hoped his wife would take up the slack, but she hasn't. The mom wants to know how much of a nudge she should give the youngest son's wife.

The wisdom answer:

"Before we deal with your problem, let’s deal with mine: All we’ve heard about the men in your family is that two of them married meticulous gift givers, and the youngest (who was spotty at it) hitched his wagon to an underperformer. Yet somehow these men — the actual blood relations — aren’t expected to pitch in at all.

Now, there’s no problem here if each of the couples has agreed to this division of labor. But it seems sexist to simply expect the new woman to solve the problem of family gifts. ...

As for what you can do: Extricate yourself! I know you want family harmony, but you can’t force adults to send gifts. If your sons or their wives tell you they’re upset about this, suggest they speak directly to your youngest son. This may be more motivating for him than hearing from you again. He and his wife may not be “gift people,” but we all have calendars. (Or they may not care.) Stay out of it."painting Van Gogh

Money Matters: Grown children and the financial intelligence gap

A letter to a financial expert asking for advice about an inheritance was not your usual request. The question came from a woman whose father-in-law left her 29-year-old daughter---his granddaughter--a sizeable fortune in a trust that was currently being managed by her daughter's father. When the daughter reaches 30, however, she is eligible to manage the trust herself. Few of us are in the situation of being the parent of a child who is inheriting a fortune.  And yet, though the sums of money may be significantly substantial, the issue this parent faces is one many of us worry about: Will our grown children be able to handle financial responsibilities if we're no longer around to help them. How do we prepare them?

If you're interested, you can read here the expert's advice on helping the daughter understand her financial challenges and choose an adviser to manage the money.

But the expert's advice on preparing a child to be engaged in and understand how to handle financial responsibilities applies more universally. Here are some points Quentin Fottrell, who writes as the Moneyist, makes:

Encourage them to ask questions:

Unless your daughter builds enough financial confidence to ask questions and learn about how she can invest her money, and trust her instincts and establish her own risk tolerance when it comes to investments, she is vulnerable to another person stepping in and filling your husband’s shoes, particularly when he is no longer around to help.

Let them make decisions:

Trusting your daughter to make the right decisions is part of her growing up....The best you can do is to lead by example, and — I’m with you — part of that is allowing her to make her own decisions, as you and your husband have done with your own lives.

Talk things over with them:

Bottom line: You want your daughter to become an active decision maker, even if the answer is to do nothing for now; learn the basics of investing so she knows what questions to ask; and not hand her fortune over to one person to make decisions without her knowledge or understanding. It’s her money, after all.

The first step is for you both to sit down with your daughter and include her in these conversations. You will discover that you will all learn from one another.

painting: Marinus Van Reymerswaelle, 1539

 

 

Holidays with Grown Children: Do we expect them to buy us holiday gifts?

Once again, Philip Galanes of Social Qs comes through with an answer to a question that may plague some of us as we navigate the gifting side of the holidays: Is gift-giving a one-way street?

Here's the dilemma a reader posed:

We have a loving relationship with our 30-year-old son. As we prepare for Christmas, though, we’re feeling resentful in advance that our gift exchange will probably be one-sided: We will buy him gifts; he will not buy us anything. Nor will he seem appreciative. He acts like our gifts are his birthright. Help!

The short version of Galanes' advice:

Tell him that he’s old enough to make holiday giving a true exchange. And remind him that the cost of his gifts is irrelevant. He may be stuck in his view of himself as the child in your relationship. Hopefully, a brisk nudge will set him straight.

painting: J Lawrence, Street to MBari