When it comes to growing up together, our kids are often jealous of and competitive with each other. There are power struggles between sisters and brothers. And sometimes our kids just don't like each other. Literature and real life are full of it. As parents, we wish it weren't so, especially when the dislikes between our adult children slop over into our empty-nest lives. All we want is peace and love, but, ah well, sometimes it is not to be.
How responsible are we to bring peace between, say, two adult sisters bearing grudges that date back to their kindergarten years? Should we be helping a son and daughter forgive and forget hurtful insults said in anger when they were in their teens?
Joshua Coleman, a psychologist who treats, writes and speaks regularly about family estrangement--parent to child, child to child, grandkid to, well, anyone who crosses their path--has some answers. (So does Sheila Heen, whose suggestions I wrote about in a previous post and whose book on the topic is Difficult Conversations.)
In a Washington Post column, Coleman addressed a patient's plea for help. Her adult daughters, who had always had a fraught relationship, were refusing to be at the same party the mother was planning for her 75th birthday. The younger daughter said that if the mother didn't tell the older daughter not to come, it would prove the mother's preference for the older daughter. If the mother moved forward with the party, one of the daughters was going to feel hurt and ill-favored.
Coleman had some thoughts. Here they are, edited for brevity.
There are limits on what we can do:
Parents have limited ability to influence or improve relationships between their adult children. As children grow, they develop their own personalities, make their own choices and follow paths that can pull them in different directions. Even in emotionally attuned families, siblings can drift apart — or in some cases, grow actively hostile.
Dispositions differ:
Sometimes what we experience as difficult behavior in others is tied to underlying and partly inherited dispositions. Research on the Big Five personality traits — particularly neuroticism — can offer insight. For example, people high in the trait of neuroticism tend to be more emotionally reactive, more prone to anxiety, and more likely to dwell on perceived slights or injustices, which may be the case with one of your daughters.
When one sibling is easier to parent, that difference alone can unintentionally reinforce feelings of exclusion or comparison in the more sensitive sibling.
Aim for fairness
Research on differential treatment in siblings shows that when children perceive favoritism — real or imagined — it can have long-term effects on their mental health, and can also damage their relationships with each other well into adulthood.
The perception of unequal treatment can be just as impactful as actual differences in the parent’s behavior. From that perspective, a parent can reasonably believe they treated their children equally, while a child can credibly feel that they didn’t receive the same kind of care or attention, based on how they interpret and experience the world.
Show empathy
A parent may not have done anything they consider unfair, and yet a child’s experience of being hurt is real. It’s more constructive to show empathy — not for the facts of the situation, but for the emotions behind them.
Actively listen and respond
Show that you care about their experiences in the family. Then gently pivot to a proposed solution of the conflict.
“You’re both invited to my birthday party, and I want nothing more than to have you there. But if it’s too upsetting to be in the same room, I understand — and maybe we can find another time or way to celebrate together.”
painting: Bonnard
