Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Talking Points: Chats with our grown kids about our sex lives.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? What could be more uncomfortable--and possibly more inappropriate--than a chat with our grown kids about our sex lives and theirs? This is not the sex education conversation that we may have dreaded when our kids were teens or pre-teens. Talking about our sex lives--isn't that socially and familialy verboten or close to it? And yet, two Brazilian filmmakers have videotaped parents and adult children doing just that. The filmmakers suggest that we parents and our adult children be more open about our sex lives and eventually about "other lost opportunities for intimacy."

As the lead to the NYT story on the subject put it, "Most of us would probably rather die than talk with family about our sex lives."

Before we dismiss the idea out of hand, the NYT writer notes that the point of such a chat is meaningful. Here's what she says:

This film begins with all the giggly, seat-squirming cringe you might expect. But once the awkwardness subsides, the film quickly reveals something more profound: loved ones sharing real, meaningful moments from their lives. Sexuality offers life lessons about confidence, trauma and happiness. The film asks the viewer to imagine other conversations left unspoken, from family finances to death.

In making the video, the filmmakers provided questions to facilitate conversation and filmed as their subjects took the plunge. As one of the filmmakers said:

Listening is not only what you want to hear about or don’t want to hear about. Across all strong friendships and relationships, you need to be able to say hard things. You need to be there to listen.”

Although many of us think of our adult children as people we're close to, the filmmakers point out that "people that should be very close are actually far away. You are more likely to talk about sex with strangers.”

Can you see yourself talking to your children about your sex life--or asking them about theirs? I did an informal survey of several friends: The answers ranged from the expected "never" to one friend, the mother of two 20-something sons, who said the only thing she thought her sons would be interested in was how old she was when she first had sex. She then referred me to the father of the boys for further discussion of the question.

So I'm asking you, dear readers. Have you ever had such a talk? Would you ever? How would you begin?

painting: Picasso

New Year Blues: The pain of holiday visits with adult kids

The holidays were barely over when the calls for help started pouring into Jane Adams help line. Parents of adult children had had a rough time during the "joyous" December celebrations. Adams, a social psychologist, reports that she had more inquiries for coaching "from parents whose grown kids disappointed them by not showing up, blaming them for their own problems, calling them toxic, or ignoring them completely."

Ugh. Holiday visits can be devastating, especially when those visits go on for too long and there's over-exposure to--and resentment of--the role each family member plays in the family dynamic. Many adult kids regress when they're home for the holidays. As one psychotherapist put it, "It’s not a question of if the regression is going to happen, it’s when." Or as a NYTimes writer, writing from the adult child's perspective, put it:

Psychologists even have a term to describe the way we fall back into predictable, maddening behavior patterns when we’re with our family of origin. It’s called family systems theory — the notion that families have an equilibrium, and each person has a fixed role that “is in service of keeping the family system intact,” said psychiatrist Pooja Lakshmin. So whatever your established role is — whether you’re the appeaser, or the family clown, or the petulant one — you’re going to be thrown right back there the second you walk through the door of your childhood home.

And that's only one piece of the difficult stuff that can surface when our grown kids come to visit for the holidays..

No wonder that for most families there's what Adams calls "a mismatch of expectations and reality." The silver lining in this reality--and the hope held out by Adams--is talking through the issues but with a particular perspective in mind. Here's Adams:

Starting the new year with a thoughtful, honest, conversation about how to heal the relationship instead of a blow by blow recitation about what transpired and whose fault it was makes it more likely that 2025 will be happier for everyone.

Here's to a New Year graced with family peace, love and joy.

Credit: Pierre Bonnard

 

 

Mind the Gap: When our child's new love comes from a different background

Some of us count ourselves lucky. Our children find their future Mr or Ms Right next door. Or within the same time zone. Or in the same country. Or from a similar culture.  But what happens when none of that describes our child's important love interest. Instead, it's someone with a very different background and from a faraway country. If our child is living in that country and we're living here, that may complicate chances to get to know and embrace the person our child loves.

This is not just a thought problem. A reader of ask sahaj wrote to say her daughter is living abroad and is in a serious relationship with a man who lives there. He lives with his parents and the daughter has become close to the family. The reader feels an emotional gap growing between the boyfriend/daughter/second family and herself. She asks for advice on how to get to know the boyfriend despite the geographical and cultural distances.

Much of Sahaj's advice is specific to the reader's situation but it is also general enough to be helpful to any of us who are struggling to get to know our adult child's boyfriend or girlfriend from a seemingly different world. Here are some of Sajaj's tips, paraphrased and edited for brevity:

If you're worried about saying the wrong thing when you talk to the boy/girl friend: You can ask your child, “Are there cultural differences I should be aware of, or that would help me understand him or her better?” Or, saying something to your child like, “I feel nervous about saying the wrong thing and making things worse. I don’t want to bite my tongue because I really care about you. Can we talk about what I’m feeling?”

While it can feel like an unfamiliar situation, you want to be a support to your child. This may sound like, “I’d love to learn more about them. What are your favorite things about them?” And/or you might tell your child that you’d like to talk to the boy/girlfriend the next time you and your child have a call. Even if it’s just asking how they're doing, or learning more about them, this can build intimacy and comfort with them — and vice versa. 

Regardless of if there are cultural differences, remember the values that are important to you — kindness, openness and so on. These can help you have empathy while also finding micro ways to continue to nurture your relationship with your child — and by default her boy/girlfriend. These smaller moments, questions and conversations can help build the foundation for something deeper, and bridge that gap you feel.

painting: Frank Auerbach