Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Surviving Holiday Feasts: Getting the help you need

At a coffee with my friend C a week before Thanksgiving, she put her head in her hands and said, "I'm already tired." Now, C's husband does most of the Thanksgiving cooking but C does the cold dishes plus all the prep work--the constant shopping trips to supermarkets and farm markets and cleaning the house and the chef's spills--plus she sets up the table to accommodate a dozen guests (including two toddlers and one newborn), searches out the requisite number of plates and chairs for the crowd then arranges flowers and greens to beautify the table and the living room. Her bottom line: why couldn't her son and daughter-in-law take over the next holiday meal? They have a bigger house and more room for guests who are under five.

She is not alone in her forward thinking. In a November column Caroline Hax reported that she had just been on a video call with "multiple middle-aged women who all would preempt the holidays for exhaustion recovery."

Personally, I handed over the Thanksgiving dinner "privilege" to my DIL (and son) several years ago.  It was for practical reasons having to do with travel. But, whether it's practicalities or exhaustion, there comes a time when we pass the torch. In doing so we may find our kids simplify the festivities or change things up in a fun way. Our beloved traditions--the way we cooked the turkey; the heirlooms we used to set the table--may take hits but the world is changing and maybe the next generation's new way will take root and become a tradition.

A newsletter from Axios a week before Thanksgiving noted four ways to the week "a little less stressful and a little more joyful" --without veering too far from tradition or handing over the reins.  Here they are:

Shortcuts are fine — and delicious. Store-bought pies and dinner rolls are great, canned cranberry sauce is a classic, and Butterball even has a new cook-from-frozen turkey that comes pre-brined, so all you need to do is unwrap it and cook it.

Make it up! Don't feel limited by the traditional Thanksgiving lineup. If there's a side dish you often prepare and that feels easy and comfortable, add it to your menu. Tweak tradition.

Summon the troops! Whether you throw a BYOB dinner, ask guests to bring appetizers, or put them in charge of reheating the sides, lean on them to make your job easier. If you're a guest, ask what you can bring or if you're needed in the kitchen during crunch time.

Focus on the fun. If you're hosting Thanksgiving, there's probably one or two things about it that you especially like — maybe that's roasting the juiciest turkey, making a favorite family dish or decorating the table. Put extra care into the parts of Thanksgiving that make you happy, and use tips and tricks to get through the rest.

Hope these tips help ease your way. Happy Holidays.

painting: Cezanne

Surviving Thanksgiving Togetherness: 5 boundaries to keep the family in line during the "holidays"

Here they come again: The holidays and their feasts. As parents of adult children (and possibly as grandparents as well) we have our expectations of how joyous Thanksgiving dinner or the long weekend of togetherness will be--or how stressful and difficult. Whether we're hosting or another family member is, our grown children have their concerns too and they might be very different from ours. One thing we've got in common, though, is the need to set boundaries--about how much time we'll spend together, what are appropriate topics to discuss at dinner and how to deal with overly personal questions. No one wants to be asked how much weight they've gained or why their face looks so tired.

Psychotherapists suggest that setting a few boundaries ahead of time can help keep the celebrations wherever they take place pleasant and peaceful. In that spirit and hope, here are five suggested ways on how to work those boundaries into your family get-together. They are paraphrased and edited from this article in Bustle.

1. Set Conversation Limits: Talk around the table or pre- or post- dinner can turn tense when politics, religion, money or queries about the love life of a family member arise. Set limits on what's permissible and if anyone objects, remind them that everyone is here for a happy visit and we want everyone to have a good time. "Framing it as beneficial to them might inspire them to be more understanding."

2. Personalize Time Limits: Thanksgiving and the Christmas Holidays often come with various other family events or parties. It's easy to get overwhelmed, burnt out or stretched thin. So, decide how much time and energy you’re willing to allot to family events — and stick to it. The same goes true for understanding how much time and energy your adult kids want to expend.

3. Prepare Newcomers: If your kids (or you) are bringing a new partner or a guest, remind them to fill the newcomer in on family dynamics and traditions--things like dress code, topics of discussion and sleeping arrangements. The more you share with them, the smoother things will go.

4. Pre-Script Retorts: If you know the awkward questions specific family members might ask, be prepared with simple answers, such as "Thanks for asking, but I’m focusing on enjoying dinner.” Or if you know some family members are likely to comment on other family members' (or your)  weight, body shape and/or eating habits, you can be prepared with a universal rejoinder, such as  "Please do not comment on anyone's body.”

5. Take a Break: All of us need a breather when we're surrounded by more people and for longer times than we're used to. Give yourself permission to step away if you start feeling overwhelmed--and recognize that your adult kids, grandkids or other family members may have the same need. No need to take their stepping away personally.

painting: Norman Rockwell

 

 

 

 

 

Observation: An early 20th Century philosopher's take on parents and their grown children

We cling to the joy we remember from our early child-rearing days "in the hope of sucking vigour from its vitality." Thus wrote Philosopher and Logician Bertrand Russell in his essay, "How to Grow Old."

The early 20th century "influencer" didn't stop there. He also touched on parents and their relationship to their grown children, writing nearly a century ago:

When your children are grown up they want to live their own lives, and if you continue to be as interested in them as you were when they were young, you are likely to become a burden to them … I do not mean that one should be without interest in them, but one's interest should be contemplative and, if possible, philanthropic, but not unduly emotional.

He amplified his point about the personal dangers of being overly involved in our adult children's lives, and much of what he had to say--maintain your own interests; don't live your life around your children's lives--resonates today.

As to the dangers of not weaning ourselves from our day-to-day involvement in our adult children's lives, he wrote in his stiff and arch-like British prose:

But if you are one of those who are incapable of impersonal interests, you may find that your life will be empty unless you concern yourself with your children and grandchildren. In that case you must realise that while you can still render them material services, such as making them an allowance or knitting them jumpers, you must not expect that they will enjoy your company.

Russell was never one to sugarcoat anything, no less the parenting of adult children.

You can find even more about Russell's musings in this MSN essay What Do Adult Children Owe Their Parents?

painting: Bonnard, The Conversation.