Our grandkids are the best--precious, smart, beautiful. But what do we do if someone sees their photograph and makes an unflattering or rude comment about them? Or asks why they are so "wild" at family get-togethers? Or makes a negative rhetorical statement about someone we love. A friend who met my family for the first time at a social gathering told me later that she was surprised at how "ugly" one of those family members was.
People say the oddest and rudest things. (My friend was on her third glass of wine, which may explain why she felt free to share her observation.)
How to respond to this sort of commentary? In her column, Ask Sahaj, the columnist dealt with a grandmother whose friends often made intrusive or rude remarks about the racial makeup of her 7-year-old granddaughter's appearance. Sahaj's advice applies to a multitude of rude commentary situations:
When someone says something that is rude, sometimes the best response is to not respond to it at all. Simply, you can redirect the conversation. This may sound like, “She’s really sweet and loves …” Or, “I really love how she …” By redirecting the focus on your granddaughter’s personality or interests, you demonstrate that it’s not important to focus on her racial identity and that there are far more interesting things about her.
The NYTimes carried a column that promised "a magic phrase to defeat nosy questions," which some of their professional experts referred to as "predatory curiosity." The kinds of questions in question were ones like, "Why don't you have grandchildren?" or "Why doesn't your daughter have a second child?"
What was the magic phrase? Well, there were two, plus a reminder that you do not have to respond to personal and intrusive questions or commentary.
1. In a calm, neutral tone, simply say, “I’d rather not talk about it." It's a phrase that can be used in many different settings.
2. Say firmly some variation on, "“Thanks for your concern, I appreciate it. I’m doing just fine.”
The intrusive questions may never stop. One psychotherapist--a woman who is Sri Lankan American--tries to see the humor in the family prodding.
She notes that Sri Lankan aunties "can be ruthless."At family gatherings, they constantly asked her when she would marry — and after she was married, the pregnancy queries began. After her fourth child, “they were like, ‘When are you going to stop having kids?’”
painting: Picasso
