Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

The Bank of Mom and Dad: Who pays your grown child's rent?

Surveys on parent-child financial relationships are often run by or at the behest of banks or other financial institutions. They've got a particular reason to understand what's happening financially to the generation that should be forming households and buying homes.

That's what makes this most recent study so interesting. It's by analysts at the New York Times (informed by a data set known as the P.S.I.D. Transition to Adulthood Supplement.) It found that almost half of the people in the data base in their early 20s reported that their parents help them pay their rent. Among those who get help, the average amount is about $3,000 a year.

For some, the dependence stems from difficulties in finding a stable career job. For many others, it's a Big Expensive City issue. Skilled work is increasingly concentrated in high-rent metropolitan areas, and salaries aren't in sync with rents. Help from the Bank of Mom and Dad is a means to staying on the job in order to move ahead.

 Some data bits from the study:

The average amount of parental help for the 20-somethings — roughly $250 a month — covers 29 percent of the median monthly housing costs in America’s metro areas.

Twenty-somethings who work in farming, construction, retail and personal services tend to get the least parental assist; those in the art and design fields, the most--an average of $3,600 a year. In part that's because of the high barriers into fields like art, education, health and law.

Young people in metro areas with a million or more people are 30 percent more likely to receive rent money from their parents--almost twice as much money-- than those in smaller cities.

In the 1980s, fewer than half of 20-somethings received any parental support; by 2010, nearly 70 percent did.

Living expenses account for only 20 percent of the help that parents give their children. According to the survey, the bulk of the support comes in the form of lump-sum gifts for things like a down payment on a house or capital to start a business.

Little did we know--and a point the survey makes--is that being able to reassure our kids that the Bank of Mom and Dad would be there for them influences the  decisions they make--from what to major in in college to the career they choose. It's also a reminder that economic advantages begin at home and continue as kids grow into independence.

 

Thoughts on Being Thanked: Pen on paper or cellphone text, often or is once enough?

Some of us don't like our kids or grandkids to thank us via email or text. We'd like our gifts acknowledged the old-fashioned way: with a handwritten note. There's something polite and etiquette-right about pen (or crayon) set on paper--and the time it takes to do so. When young grandchildren embroider those notes with their very own drawings (see above), we're in orbit. But we live in a digital world. Our older grandkids and grown kids are happier using their thumbs to let us know they appreciate a gift we've sent. They're more likely to send a note--full of their immediate enthusiasm--if they can pick up their smartphone and tap it out. It's up to us to decide how "traditional" a reply we're willing to accept. Insistence on tradition may come with a cost--a delay of thanks or a less spontaneous response.

Whether or not we say Yes to the Text, some of us can't be thanked often enough. Sometimes we ask how, say, a grandchild enjoyed a book we sent. And we may ask several times, even though we've already gotten an answer. One grannie defends her practice of asking for thank yous over and over again, saying, "Hearing that what we do is appreciated and liked brings a smile to my face."

That said, the constant "request" for a thank you can be annoying, even irritating, to the receivers of those gifts--not so much the little grandkids but the parents, aka our grown children.

When a reader posed a question along these lines to Carolyn Hax ("We always thank her for gifts, and these comments feel like she's asking for thank-yous over and over again"), Hax offered several ways for the grown child to deal politely with the recurring queries from her mother about a gift. (One approach: deflect the query with a question, such as "Oh, did you not get our thank-you note?")

But Hax wasn't the only one to respond to the issue. Several of her readers did, addressing not so much the grownchild's question as the grandparent's need for the reassurance that multiple thank-yous bring.  One reader suggested that if the grownkids take repeated inquiries as pressure for repeated acknowledgements of your gifts, "then tell your kids you ask these follow up questions because it makes you so happy to bring the grandkids happiness. Say that's all you mean by it and hope you aren't misconstrued."

There's also this: If you've received a thank you--by phone call, email, text or in-person hug--enjoy the expression of enthusiasm and bask in the satisfaction of it. The additional pleasure in hearing a thank you again and again may not be worth the annoyance factor.

(Link to Hax column:Carolyn Hax: I can never thank you enough. No, seriously, it’s become a problem. 

Observation: PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi on respecting your offspring's maturity, growth and point of view

Forbes gives Indra Nooyi the #3 spot on its list of the World's Most Powerful Moms. Her two daughters are now young adults and in a recent interview with Freakonomics' Stephen Dubner, Nooyi talked about how she has had to adjust her approach to her children--not just to their growing independence and maturity but in stepping away from the cultural ties of her upbringing in Chennai, India.

Here's some of what this Powerful Mom has to say about parenting:

For a long time, especially given my cultural upbringing, I thought you just listen to your parents and you did whatever they asked you to do. Until I had my own kids. And they told me, “No, we are people too. We have our own mind, we do our own thing.” And I learned the tough way, that the rules that applied to me, from my parents to me — I mean, I was a very dutiful kid in many ways. And if the parents said, “Jump over this line,” you jumped over the line, and you didn’t ask questions. As I had children here, and my husband and I, we learned that they’re people too. They have their own thoughts and ideas, and we have to jointly evolve a point of view, as opposed to, “You will listen to me.” In life I’m learning a lot of lessons that are different from my own cultural upbringing.

Dubner also asked Nooyi about the conflicting pressures of being a mother and a daughter as well as a  C.E.O.of a billion-dollar company.

NOOYI: I think we grew up in a culture where our parents basically said, “Don’t let these jobs get to you, whatever your job is, because at the end of the day your first priority is being sort of a wife, and a mother, and a daughter, and a daughter-in-law,” and all those roles we have to play. I have a mother who, in particular, believes that fiercely, and believes that these jobs give you crowns, and leave those crowns in the garage. When you come home, don’t try to pretend that you’re still the big boss, because you’re not.

DUBNER: Does that seem a little unfair, because if you were born male, that — she probably wouldn’t say that to you?

NOOYI: That’s correct, but I can’t change her. I can either spend my time trying to change her, or just say, “You know what? Let her think whatever she wants.” All the times that she’s with me, I leave the crown in the garage. The rest of the time I at least bring it and leave it on the front door or somewhere, or a table sort of in the garage. You know something Stephen, I think we all have to develop adaptation strategies, because if we don’t, we’re going to start feeling resentful or angry with whatever’s happening around us. From my perspective, my mom says “Leave the crown in the garage?” Fine, I left it in the garage. I’ve been married 37 years to the same guy. I don’t think I could have balanced all of this, had I brought my crown into the house every day. There’s no way it would have worked. And would I have liked to have brought it in? No, not at the expense of my marriage and my children. I’m married to a great guy, but it required constant, sort of, adjustments to make sure that we both were equal versus each other, and to our children we both were parents, and one was not C.E.O. and one is not C.E.O. I don’t think that works at home at all.