Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Money Matters: When we help out our grown kids, whose hand pulls the purse strings?

 My friend Cathy's middle son graduates from a local college in May but he has a lease on an apartment that runs through August 1--at a cost of $1,000 a month for his share of the rent. Cathy has made it clear that he should find a sublet for his room and move back home to save the family the $2,000 in rent. Her son has countered that he doesn't want to live at home. She told him that was too bad but "we can't afford the rent and neither can you." He repeated his argument: "I don't want to live at home."

It's at this point in her "he said/she said" story that she tells me, "He'll probably tap his dad for the money. [The dad] can't afford it either but his pride will kick in and he'll do it."       

Cathy does not say this with admiration for her husband. All through their child-rearing years this has been the pattern: She takes a tough stand on financial matters and he's a soft touch. It drives Cathy crazy.

She might find comfort in a recent Ameriprise survey, Money Across Generations II that reflects her family's dynamics: It found that mothers are more likely to chat with their grown kids about money, but the dad is more likely to dole out the cash--for certain things. The "certain things?" Anything having to do with a car.

Here are the numbers: Of the 93 percent of baby boomers who say they’ve provided financial support to their adult children, 58 percent of fathers (versus 48 percent of mothers) have helped by putting up cash for a car; 51 percent of dads (versus 43 percent of moms) have paid for their grown kid’s car insurance; and 37 percent of fathers (versus 29 percent of mothers) helped with car payments.

There was one outlier: 42 percent of dads (versus 32 percent of moms) co-signed a loan or lease agreement.

Cold comfort, but there you have it: Dad's are likely to pony up the cash, especially if it has anything to do with a car or their adult child's ability to live on their own. The mom: She gets to talk about why she's saying No.

 

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Parenting Adult Children: Feeling like an outsider when we visit.

On our way home from a recent visit with Uber son--his is a family of five that lives some 350 miles away from us--Paterfamilias and I were in accord: The 2-day visit had been bittersweet.

The sweetness was in the welcome when we arrived; in observing how grand our three Grands are, each in their own way; in seeing the closeness and strength of our son's marriage; in marveling at the way he's built his career and in our daughter-in-law's ability to build a warm home around challenging demands.

We spent almost all of our "Blitzkrieg visit" (in one day; out the next) at indoor soccer games (a Saturday night tournament, no less) and hanging around the house. When the sun shone, we were outside with one or all of our Grands, the wee-est one riding her trike, the biggest heaving a football to his dad or Gramps and the three Grands building a snowman with the remains of an early-Spring snowfall. All of that comes under the general category heading of "Sweet."

So what was bitter? Maybe bitter is too harsh a word. But what had us feeling a good deal less than warm and fuzzy about the visit was the feeling of being excluded--of being on the outside looking in. It was likely not intentional, just the reality of not being part of the in-group of a very tightly knit family.

        A few days after we got home, Uber son posted on his Facebook page a description of a game he and his family had just taken up: Sardines. It's a variation on the theme of hide and seek. They go down into the basement. One person turns off the light and hides. Everyone else tries to find him/her and when they do, they hide with him/her. The last person left still looking is "it" next time. Uber son noted happily that "My three kids ALL love it and how many things can keep an 11 year old and a four year old happy? All of them would choose it right now over a movie pretty much hands down."

It struck me that Sardines was the perfect metaphor for what we experienced. They huddle together and we can't really find a way to be part of them.

We are not alone in feeling this way. I know that--from friends who've experienced similar visits to their grown children and from therapists who offer advice to those parents of grown children who are feeling their way through the unhappiness of exclusion. Dr. Kathleen McCoy, a psychotherapist who blogs on midlife and beyond, noted that some parents complain that they feel they are "on a socially accepted ice floe when it comes to their adult offspring." or that they are "bit players in the lives of their adult offspring."

McCoy suggests that we reframe the feelings of being on the side lines. "Instead of feeling diminished and left out, one can get in tune with the rhythm of life. We can reframe being a "bit player" to "having a front row seat" or "cheering them on."  Letting the pleasure of generativity flow over you as you marvel at the accomplishments of your children and grandchildren can be life-changing."

She admits there may be times when you miss being central to your children's daily lives. "My Aunt Molly used to say that, as you age, 'you're welcome at the party, but the party isn't for you.' " McCoy adds, "participating in the party, minus the burden of being the central focus, can be even more satisfying."

Intellectually I know she's right but it doesn't feel that way when we're in the moment. Her Aunt Molly's line is a zinger that reminds us of our deepest feeling: Most of us don't necessarily want to be the life of the party but we do want to be part of it. And when we feel somehow pushed away--however unintentional it may be--it's bittersweet. And a reminder that we did the same thing to our parents. So much for the pleasures (and guilt trip) of generativity.

 

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Parenting Grown Children: Praise, criticism and the relationship with our relations

There it is as one of my Notes to Self, running down the left hand column of this blog: "Be enthusiastic. It beats being critical."

Easier said than done, of course. But it raises the question of praise versus criticism and the role the tension between the two play in our relationship with our independent and grown children.

 If we're always saying something is wonderful, that someone is terrific, that this is the best of all possible worlds, then how can we be taken seriously? But if we're critical scolds, who wants to hear from us no less be around us--no matter how right we may be? (See Note to Self: "It's better to be liked than right.")

So there should be a balance somewhere between the two. A recent post on the Harvard Business School blog has not only found the ratio but put some numbers on it: 5:1. That is, to bring out the best in a business work team, the most effective balance is five instances of praise or positive feedback to one negative comment. Here it is in chart form (a favorite means of HBS communication):

       

The blog's authors also addresses research on what the praise-criticism ratio looks like in successful marriages versus unsuccessful [separation and divorce] ones.The balance is about the same: roughly 5:1. So, if that ratio works in the work place and in marriage, why not in our relationships with our grown children.

Here's some of the thinking the praise-to-criticism blogger offers in the post: 

 --"Negative feedback is important when we're heading over a cliff to warn us that we'd really better stop doing something horrible or start doing something we're not doing right away. But even the most well-intentioned criticism can rupture relationships and undermine self-confidence and initiative. It can change behavior, certainly, but it doesn't cause people to put forth their best efforts.

--"[In] John Gottman's analysis of wedded couples' likelihood of getting divorced or remaining married ...once again, the single biggest determinant is the ratio of positive to negative comments the partners make to one another." For those who ended up divorced, the ratio went upside down to something like three positive comments for every four negative ones.

--The key in negative feedback is to "keep the opposing viewpoint rational, objective, and calm — and above all not to engage in any personal attack (under the disingenuous guise of being "constructive").

I read that last line and remember my mother always using a variation on the "I want to be constructive" theme before prefacing a critique, be it of my housekeeping or my children. I am so sensitive to it--just seeing the printed word makes the hair on my neck stand at mock attention--that I can only assume (hope) I don't visit that particular approach to negative commentary on those I care about--or work with. I'm just putting it out there as another Note to Self--beware the tides of constructive commentary when we go negative, as sometimes we must. That's what the ratio says!

 

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Vacationing with Adult Children: The mini-agonies of togetherness

"Why do we do it?" This is the question I pose my walking buddy. Why do we invite, look forward to, and lay elaborate plans to have our grown children--and their children--join us for a vacation? I'm asking her because she, like me, admits to having pre-trip anxiety.

Some of those anxieties revolve around the relationship between our children. Like me, her son and daughter do not live near each other. They see each other at various family events--and only occasionally plan a visit to each other's homes. Her daughter, she says, doesn't have much in commonwith her sister-in-law; ditto son and son-in-law. Though there's good will between the two young families, there isn't a strong bond pulling the families together. The reasons for that can become all-too-clear when everyone's on vacation in a big house on a small lake in an aging town in Vermont.

 

My friend talks about one regular sore point. Her daughter is not a morning person. That is, mornings don't mean a march out to the mountain for a vigorous hike. They mean an extra hour or so at the breakfast table, flipping through magazines, having a second cup of coffee, letting the kids amuse themselves. Her husband takes himself off to the golf course.

Her son and hjis wife are early risers who see the morning as the best time to get out into the fresh air and hike, row the boat around the lake, play tennis and ride bikes with their kids.

My friend says she can feel the tension between the two families--feelings not exactly of disdain but of, well, mutual non-admiration. She can feel her daughter feeling guilty but unrepentent about lingering over coffee and wondering why her brother and family are in such a hurry in the morning. It's vacation, isn't it?

She can also sense her daughter-in-law's disregard for her daughter's morning routine. There's so much to do, so much energy to expend--time is awasting. How could anyone sit around when the air is so fresh and the outdoor activity so inviting? Shouldn't her niece and nephew be paddling a canoe or playing tennis or doing something invigorating outside?

It's not a big thing. It's a little nagging worry that my friend has that her daughter might feel resentful; that her son may look down at his sister's "laziness;" that the two of them are never going to be buddies. By extension, does that also mean they won't lean on each other in times of emotional stress? The week together only emphasizes the differences, even as it builds family traditions and mutual experiences. 

As she sits and watches it, my friend feels her inner aggravation rising--even though there's no one to be angry at or disillusioned with. It's just the reality of the family dynamic. Not bad. Just not all that she could wish it could be. I have a different set of specifics but a similar dynamic. I second the emotion.

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Grandparenting: Finding a place in the busy lives of our grown children and their children

What has the grandparenting life come to? We had to make an appointment to telephone Happy Birthday wishes to a 10-year-old grandchild. Okay, it wasn't like a business apppointment but we did have to txt and e-chat to find a moment when the phone would be answerable and the appropriate child available to hear good wishes sent her way.

                                  There is a back story. Of course there is.Our grandchildren have aged out of toddler-hood and preschool--those were the days when we sent balloon bouquets to great huzzahs of excitement on their part. They are now primary and middle-schoolers. There are soccer practices, piano lessons, gymnastic classes, play dates, homework and who knows what else. In the case of Uber son, whose family lives in a city far from ours, those activities--and the coordination of said lessons, practices and playdates--are multiplied times three children and would take an excel sheet to map and execute if my daughter-in-law didn't manage it all in her head.

The busyness is understandable. Therefore, so is setting a time when there's a break in the child's day and she or he can come to the phone. It's when we finally get through--appointment kept!--that we find  the conversation not very satisfying. It is the end of a long day. The Grand is tired. She has a date with her dad to read a book together before bedtime. She's very polite but we can sense how--well, what a drag this call might be. It was so much easier when air-blow ups of Mickey Mouse and Hello Kitty were an option.

 

So why do we persist with the telephone call? I have been thinking a lot about this. First off, we love our grandchildren. We want to remind them that, though in our case we don't live nearby, we are another set of adults who care deeply about them, that they are very special to us and very special. In short, it's a reminder that we are there for them.

But there's another part: I think we do it to remind our grown children, whose lives are even busier than their children's are (and certainly than ours are, now that the child rearing is done and our careers are winding down), that we are part of the family--the part that shares the deep and constant love for the most precious aspect of their lives, their children.

That's as good a reason as any to make the appointment, if that's what it takes to send the message.

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Emerging Adults: Another view of that hard-to-find-a-job issue

Almost every parent of a recent college grad (or of a kid now in college) I talk to is worried: It's been so hard for recent college grads--recent being the past five years--to find career jobs. The parents I am talking to have kids who've attended good colleges and who graduated in the requisite four years with respectable or better grades. There have been lots of internships--some paid, though at a very low rate--but those only last a year and few of them have led to future employment. Some of the college grads have taken waitering, receptionist or babysitting jobs to earn money, but the struggle to find a foothold in the type of job for which they were educated has been elusive--not non-existent but few and far between. A recent New York Times article's headline said it all: It Takes a B.A. to Find a Job as a File Clerk.

So it's tough out there--for the young adults and their parents as well. (We also suffer who sit, watch and wait.) But the New York Times Economix blog has another take on the situation--with lots of graphs and charts to give worried parents some insights into the job potential for their college-educated kids and the ultimate value of that college degree.

Here are some of the high points.

According to a recent report published by the Bureau of Labor Statistics on the job prospects of new college graduates,  the graduates of the class of 2011 had an unemployment rate of 14 percent as of October 2011. But that number refers to joblessness just a few months after graduation. The unemployment rate drops sharply for all recent college graduates in their 20s. It is especially sharp when compared with the jobless rate for all high school graduates in the same age group.

Sources: October School Enrollment Supplement, Current Population Survey, Bureau of Labor Statistics; Thomas Luke Spreen.

The next chart looks at comparable numbers for the employment-population ratio, or the share of people within each population who have a job (as opposed to being unemployed or not looking for work at all).

Sources: October School Enrollment Supplement, Current Population Survey, Bureau of Labor Statistics; Thomas Luke Spreen.

So, while many of our college-educated kids are getting jobs well below their education-skill level, they are at least finding work, unlike their less-educated peers.

"As the economy continues to improve," Catherine Rampell, the NYTimes economic reporter who penned the piece, writes, "those recent college graduates will be better situated to find promotions to jobs that do use their higher skills and pay better wages."

From her mouth to the Corporate-God-Who-Hires ear.

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Emerging Adults: What to do with the anger when our kids make us mad

When my friend Cathy got angry at her renested post-college son--for sins like not emptying the dishwasher; not taking the job search seriously--she kicked down his bedroom door. Not that she meant to. She was just kicking his closed door to make a point and Boom, her foot went right through it. It's a moment her son may  remember--not, at this point in time, in a good way, tho it likely will be a funny anecdote some time down the line.

                                                   

We may have thought that all the anger-inducing struggles with our adolescent kids were a thing of the past--now that they are adults. But they can still press our emotional buttons and make us really, really angry. Especially when they move back home for a while and fail to behave like the independent adults we thought they'd become.

Not that there's anything wrong with getting angry at them. Anger has an important function. It's part of our "affective awareness system," that is, psychologist Carl Pickhardt points out, it lets us "identify when something significant is happening in our internal or extermal world of experience, something that feels like it deserves our attention."

So anger isn't the issue. It's the lashing out that's a problem--with especially long-term consequences now that our children are grown and no longer dependents under our control. As Pickhardt points out, "in the heat of the moment it can obscure loving feelings causing unloving words or actions to occur."

Pickhardt recommends that we--as well as our grown kids--learn to, in effect, take a "time out" to cool down, and then talk further "when we can choose our words thoughtfully, and not emotionally.”

He  lists characteristics of people who are anger prone to the point of popping off in an unhelpful way:

--They are highly judgmental and need to be right.

--They feel strongly entitled and expect to get their way.

--They take events personally that are not personally meant.

--They use fresh offenses to revive memories of old grievances.

--They attack what’s wrong with anger by blaming others when problems arise.

These apply to both our kids and to us. For us, at this stage of parenting, there's a lot more at stake than there was when our kids were younger. My friend Cathy certainly expected to get her own way when her son was living under her roof again. And, of course, she didn't mean that tap on his door to be a surprising invasion of his privacy. But that little kick probably had a lot of lash-out fueling its power.

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