Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Parenting Grown Children: Their jobs are high-wire acts that cause us angst as well.

"I worry all the time about their losing their jobs," a friend writes about her two sons and their wives, all somewhere in their late 30s and early 40s. "They are doing well but the fields they are in could implode any minute."

The problem: They need two incomes to maintain their lifestyle, and the pressures on them in the modern-day workforce are immense. One daughter-in-law's job expects her to be available 24/7--or night and day as we used to say.  "She's on a 24-hour cycle--emails and text messages all day and night," my friend continues. "On the weekend. if she doesn't answer, she could be fired. If she does, she ruins her weekend." Either way, it puts pressure on the marriage, on child rearing and on my friend's relationship with her DIL.

Although she wishes there were a way to ease the stress for her grown children, all the understanding in the world doesn't ease the pain when she sees how tense her son's relationship with his wife has become.

Neither my friend nor I remember this kind of pressure when we were at the heights of our careers. Certainly, texting and 24-hour communication wasn't as readily available. Maybe there would be sniping in the marriage anyway. But the complications of 24/7 jobs seem to make things worse. For them--and by extension--for us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grandparenting: Expert advice for the grannie as nannie

 Grandparenting isn't all fun and games, especially when we do more than pop by for an hour's visit. Those of us who help out our grown children with babysitting--from the occasional coverage so the parents can go out for the evening to a regular granny-as-nanny stint--may find our grands acting in less-than-adorable ways.

There's a post on grannynannies.net that details "10 Common Reasons Grandparents Get Mad at Grandkids." It won't tell your how to deal with the ugliness of tantrums, the maddening unwillingness to go to bed or the frustrating habit of overindulging in video games, but it will bring comfort in knowing you are not alone, that some misbehaviors are universal. The 10 common reasons are not appalling-equal, but even the lesser of them can sure can tick off some grandparents. Number one in that category is probably the failure to say thank you for gifts or better yet, send a thank you note. Maybe it's a generational thing, but based on advice columns in the newspapers, it's one that gets a lot of granny and grampy goats.

 

Emerging Adults: The guest room, the bedroom and your daughter's boyfriend

Times have changed; social mores too. But there still remains this issue: Your grown child comes home for the holidays (or just for a weekend visit) with a friend--as in boyfriend or girlfriend. They are a couple. At least they are in their eyes. Do you let them pile into your child's old bedroom together or do you provide separate sleeping quarters?

For parents of college-age children it may be a bigger issue than for those with older, single children. But not necessarily. I've read some "Ask Amy" letters where grandparents don't want their grandchildren "shacking up" with their lovers under their roof--even when the grandchild in question is in her 30s.  That said, the younger the child, the trickier the issue--even though we all assume that in this day and age, our adult children are sleeping with someone they consider a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's mainly a question of what goes on under your roof and what you find morally objectionable.

A mother posed the bedroom question to Social Q's. Her daughter, a freshman in college, was coming home for a visit with her first boyfriend. The home did not have a guest room--or any spare room. "I'm thrilled she wants to visit (and bring him)," the single mother writes, "but I don't know what the sleeping arrangements should be. Should I put him on the [living room] couch, or look the other way and let him stay with her?"

When my children were that age, I had the luxury of a guest room. I suggested luggage and other accouterments be dumped in that room, closed my door and paid no attention to final sleeping arrangements. Nor did I offer any suggestions as to my preferences. But this mother had a space problem. And Philip Galanes, who writes the Social Q's column for the New York Times, came up with his usual brilliant answer. I offer it to those who are struggling with this age-old problem:

"Once the baby birds have flown the coop, there are only two ways to lure them back: by making their visits congenial or by canceling their MasterCards. Opt for the former, Mother Dear.

"It doesn’t sound as if you have a moral objection to lodging the lovebirds together. If you do, simply disregard the balance of this answer and make up the living room sofa. Eighteen-year-old backs can handle much worse.

"But if it’s propriety you’re concerned about (or parental duty), you’ll fare better by phoning your daughter than gnashing your teeth with me. Say: “Honey, I’m trying to work out where Tom should sleep. What would make you most comfortable?”

 

Emerging Adults: They get by with a little help from us

Yet another confirmation of what many of us know: We are the generation that offers our grown children financial help. Pew Research Center's latest poll finds that one in 10 American adults receive money or financial assistance from their parents or other family members. The bulk of those receiving help are emerging adults--men and women in the 18 to 24 year old range. It falls off from there but doesn't stop--some of us are still getting help from our parents. 

I'll let this Pew Research Center chart, courtesy of the New York Times, say it all:

Based on telephone interviews conducted Dec. 6 to 19, 2011, with a nationally representative sample of 2,048 adults ages 18 and older.

Re-Nesting: Boomerang kids like living with us. A poll tells all.

They're back. And they like the living conditions. According to a recent Pew Research Center poll,  68% of young adults ages 18 to 34 who are living with their parents or have moved back in temporarily because of economic conditions say they are very satisfied with their family life. (Roughly a similar proportion--73%--who are not living with their parents are equally satisfied.). Similarly, 44% of young adults who live with their parents say they are very satisfied with their present housing situation, while 49% who live on their own say the same.

The Pew survey had more to say about the circumstances of young adults (18 to 34 years old) who've come home to re-nest. They are less likely than their counterparts who are living on their own to say they have enough money to live the kind of life they want. It's 21% of those living at home who say they have enough money now; 38%  of those who are not living with their parents.

Not only are they satisfied, they're looking to the future with optimism. Says the Pew poll: "Living with mom and dad hasn’t dampened the economic optimism of these young adults. Overall, young adults are much more optimistic than middle-aged and older adults about their financial future, in spite of the tough economic times and difficult labor market they are facing."

As for 'We the Parents', the poll finds we're just as satisfied with our family life and housing situation as are those parents whose adult children have not moved back home. The kids, they're pretty satisfied with their relationship with us. Here's the 'loving relationship' breakdown in chart form.

 

Grandparenting: Tips from a nanny on how to amuse the Grands

Spring break is here. Summer is a comin'. Many of us will be seeing more of our Grands--and for longer stretches of time as our grown children take a weekend off or need coverage when school is out. Heather Smith, a former nanny (see note below), has written a guest post to share five tips on keeping the grandkids occupied and amused. Most of them are probably things you already do with your Grands; but one or two may be something you hadn't thought of. Her bottom line is simple: "Don’t worry about keeping them entertained," she writes. "As technology-obsessed as they may seem, they’re still kids and they’ll enjoy all the same things you did growing up." Here are her tips:

1. Play games: Even though kids seem to be completely encompassed in video games these days you’d probably be surprised how much they would enjoy playing board games or card games. Teach them how to play some of your favorite card games, or play games that everyone can join in on like Monopoly or Scrabble.

2. Bake together: Little kids love to “play” in the kitchen, so baking together is the perfect time to let them test out their culinary skills. They’ll have fun mixing all of the ingredients together and you’ll have a chance to pass onto them some family-favorite recipes. Then when they’re older and have their own grandkids they can pass it on to them, and thus a tradition will be born.

3. Visit a petting zoo: This one is almost always a guaranteed hit with the grandchildren. Not only will you be able to get outside and enjoy the outdoors but they’ll get to play with all sorts of animals. It’s the perfect way to spend a sunny afternoon together.

4.  Look through old pictures: You may think that they have no interest in learning about the past, but you’d be wrong. Little kids will have a blast looking through all your old pictures and hearing you tell stories to accompany them. Sure they make think your clothes were weird, but they’ll also look back fondly on those memories.

5. Go shopping: Let’s be honest, grandparents love to spoil their grandkids. Having them come for a visit is the perfect time to indulge in some quality time with them and spoil them with love and affection… and a few new toys! Then you can keep the toys at your house so they always have something to play with when they come over.

 Author Bio: Heather Smith is an ex-nanny who regularly contributes to various social media and parenting blogs/websites and to nanny service. She can be reached at [email protected].

Supporting Grown Children: When should a helping hand morph into tough love?

"Why haven't our kids been able to get ahead in their careers?" a friend mutters. Her son is a filmmaker; her friend's son is a food photographer. Both men are in their 40s. Both men are being supported all or in part by their parents. Both parents wonder whether they should be paying the bills for their sons and their sons' families (one is married with children; the other is divorced with a child to support). Tough Love or a Helping Hand--or somewhere in between?

The old answers don't seem to apply. In these harsh economic times--a jobless recovery and other hurdles--recent college grads in their 20s have had a tough time. Too many of them haven't been able to gain traction for an entry-level career job. Those in their 30s and 40s--and even older--have been losing their jobs or struggling to keep their enterprises going. And here we sit in or near retirement wondering whether to tap--or keep tapping--our slightly diminished nest egg to help them out. Do we sit back and let them struggle to move forward or do we give them a little cushion while they try to get going.

No one wants to be an enabler--letting their smart and talented child get away with being lazy and content to feed off their parents. But where's the lazy line? My friends with the filmmaker son say he has been willing to take jobs that are beneath his skill level--wedding photography gigs and the like. His father worries that his son is giving up on his dream of film making.The son, he says, is uncomfortable taking his parents money and is doing what he can to get closer to standing on his own--even at the cost of his dream. The father adds this argument for his continuing to offer a Helping Hand: His son is his only child. He's going to get it all anyway, so why not help him out now? It gives the father a deep pleasure to underwrite his son's pursuit of his dream.

Their friend's son, also in an artistic profession, is not as willing to take odd jobs--it's a professional photo shoot or nothing. He has a non-working wife, child and another child on the way; not an inexpensive household. Here is a case, my friend says, where a little Tough Love should apply. If he's not willing to take other jobs, his parents should not enable that behavior.

Continued support for adult children is a tricky subject. It's not like the drifting 20-something who has yet to find his or her calling. That may call for Tough Love. These adults have put time and money into becoming professionals, but they haven't been able to make their calling pay off. When does a parent say: Stop. Enough. For my friends, it seems almost more painful for them to admit the son should give up on his dream than it is for the son. Are they just enablers? Or, when the economy picks up, will their son's dream take off?

Stay tuned.

Grandparenting: Charisma keeps control of grandkids at the dinner table

A recent online Forbes story  talked about charisma--who's got it (Steve Jobs, Marilyn Monroe) and whether it's teachable. (Reader alert: if I may have a wee bragging moment, it is teachable, and this writer's son was mentioned by the Forbes author as one who teaches it to teachers.) The author went on to posit why charisma is needed at home and whether there are pointers on charisma that we, as heads of families, can use to our advantage. "Something as elusive as a winning smile or a commanding gesture now can be broken down, frame by frame, into a series of smaller actions. Identify them, tag them — and presto: what once seemed mysterious starts becoming amazingly straightforward to emulate," the author writes.

Then he applies the lessons to the home front--based on an interview with Olivia Fox Cabane, author of The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magentism. He asked Cabane to help him fix what he called his latest charisma problem. "At a recent weekend brunch, a child had interrupted me in the midst of a grownups’ discussion. Even though I was seated at the head of the table, everyone turned to let the youngster take command of the conversation. Help, doctor! How can I repair this dreadful charisma deficit?"

Since all of us with grandchildren have been there--or witnessed the "there"--some of us may take a keen interest in Cabane’s answer. It contained simple, precise advice: Lower the pitch of your voice, take deeper breaths and occupy more space "even if it means puffing out your chest."

The author tried it, with this reported result: "Brunch at our house will never be the same again."

I'm not sure we all want to risk frightening our little Grands or their little guests with puffed out chests and deep voices, but it beats waving a heavy disciplinary hand. And keeps the conversation flowing. A lesson it's healthy for our Grands to learn.

Money Matters: The strings attached to paying bills for grown children

Someone's grown child wrote New York Times' Social Qs to complain. She's a medical student and so is her husband of three months. Both parents help with the tuition and, in varying ways, with day-to-day support. It's generous but also understandable. If parents can afford it, helping a child get through the high cost of medical school debt-free is a worthy investment. Her parents, she writes, send her a stipend every six months--no strings attached, though the understanding is that it will be used to pay for food, rent and the like. His parents, on the other hand, help out by paying his credit card bill. Her complaint: his parents scour the bill and raise questions about various expenditures, as in, "What did you buy at Banana Republic for $42?" She finds the queries intrusive and wants to know how to address the situation.

I have a friend who was on the receiving end of a similar situation. A few years ago, when her son and daughter-in-law were both in medical school, she not only paid her son's tuition, but, when the couple had their first child, she footed the bill for child care--the better to help the young couple make ends meet and not have to cut corners on day care options. One day her daughter-in-law dropped by to show her a dress she bought for a wedding she was going to. My friend saw the price tag and started stewing. It was nearly twice the amount she would ever spend for a dress. “Here I was paying for day care so they could make ends meet, and my daughter-in-law goes out and splurges on this dress,” she says. “I resented it.”

Marty Kurtz, who's president of the Financial Planning Association (and a personal financial adviser in Moline, Illinois), has an explanation for why we ask questions about the credit card bill and resent the price tag on the dress: “Control is a huge money-life issue,” he says. “It’s built into our psyche that money gives you control.” In effect, many of the supports we shower on our children are gifts, but gifts with strings—we want to be sure the money isn't spent on designer dresses or an extra set of tee shirts. We want it spent the way we intended it to be spent--even if we didn't exactly spell that out to begin with. Kurtz suggests we do the spelling out if how our children spend our gift is important to us.

Philip Galanes, who pens the Social Q column, had a brief but perfect answer, to the medical student's query: "I hate when people pay my bills, too. Such needless generosity!Try saying, 'Thank you'--often."

Is it piling on to say, Amen? And that "thank you" is the real string we'd like to attach.

Grandkids and the Internet: A safety issue we never had to deal with.

On a Friday morning walk with friends, a fellow walker is talking about how her son deals with where and how his children explore sites on the Internet. Not only does he have parental locks on certain sites, but he keeps the computer in the living room--the main room of the house. Whatever some one is looking at is available to anyone passing by. Then change reared its head. For her grandson's 13th birthday, the other grandmother bought him a laptop to use in his room. He was thrilled. The parents--not so much.

In this age of the Internet, we parents of grown children are innocents. We never had to deal with the risks the Internet poses: it's not just the availability of pornography or of the ability of unbalanced people to prey on children, but there are a host of privacy issues inherent in social media contact--to say nothing of concerns that what your grandchildren post today is out there forever, what they link to can be linked back to them, and that there's an impulse control issue: it's easy to say online what they wouldn't--and shouldn't--say in person. 

My friend's son can't keep his teenage children "in the living room" forever. As Carl Pickhardt writes in a recent posting in Psychology Today on Parents, Adolescents and the Internet, "This isn't Kansas anymore. Computer travel on the Internet has vastly increased the field of play for adolescents, in the process vastly complicating the responsibilities of parents."

I plowed through Pickhardt's piece as a way of sensitizing myself to what my grown children will be facing in dealing with their children and the Internet. I don't want to break a "house" rule or misunderstand why a rule (say, no computers in the bedroom) is in place. Here are some of the points I picked up about parental controls on Internet use:

Gaming and the endless social networking may seem a waste of time to some of us, but it's part of a kids acquiring Internet proficiency.  "Any use is practice, but not all use is otherwise beneficial," Pickhardt writes. "However, competence on the Internet has become an essential life skill."

For safety's sake, parents need to set rules for where on the Internet their children can go (and we grandparents should find out what they are): "Because the home computer is a major portal to the Internet, [parents] may impose conditions that prohibit certain destinations for the present, explaining why."

Kids need to maintain a healthy balance of life experiences. "It's easy to sacrifice physical exercise, face to face socializing, creative self-expression, family time, household chores, and homework, for compelling Internet activity. At issue is the balance between how much of life is lived online and how much is lived offline."

 As part of the offline generation, we may encourage our Grands to be up and about in the real world, but we also need to stay up to speed on the online risks.