For years, Amy and Ed, whose three children and five grandchildren live within six miles of them, were the only grandparents in town. Their daughter-in-laws' and son-in-law's parents lived far away in other cities and even in other countries. So Amy and Ed were the ones who did soccer practice pick-ups and piano-lesson chauffeuring; they tutored one grandson in math and were available to pick up and deliver another to day care when the parents were ill. Sometimes Amy, who works full time, would complain to friends that her weekends were so taken up with visits to her children and grandchildren that she no longer saw her friends.
Now there has been a change in the family dynamic. One set of grandparents, who are in the foreign service and spent years living abroad. have been posted stateside for a spell. They live within 15 minutes of their daughter and grandchildren.
Both sets of grandparents are now available to help out. If there's a need for a babysitter--a grown child is sick and can't go to work--there are others to call, not just Amy and Ed. After years of being the only ones, she and Ed feel they now have to wait for a place in line.
"When you don't live near your children and you go to visit them, that's a time you've created to see your kids and grandkids and that they've carved out for you," she says to me, whose children and grandchildren live far away. "But it's different when they live nearby. There's almost constant pressure to be the one who helps out." With the arrival of new sets of grandparents, the pressure has changed to an uncomfortable sense of rivalry.
That sense is compounded by another competitive feeling. "Her parents are seen as adventurous. They've lived abroad. They are always doing stuff--climbing mountains, entertaining heads of state. We look so ordinary in comparison."
These are not easy feelings to deal with. Part of it is the shift in the family dynamic: action-oriented grandparents who had rarely been available are now on the scene and ready to take an active role in meeting their daughter's needs--for however long they are stationed in this country. "I tell myself it isn't a competition--it's a matter of staying even," Amy says. But more than that, it's a touchy adjustment.
