Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Emerging Adulthood: Are you more indulgent of your 20-something than other parents?

Our post-college graduates are not as grown up as we think we were at that age. That was one of the messages from this New York Times story "What Is It About 20-Somethings? The signs of change: They are marrying later than we did. The median age at first marriage in the early 1970s was 21 for women and 23 for men. By 2009, it had climbed to 26 for women and 28 for men. 

The article also pointed out that, as we wait for the mature-enough-to-marry stage, we give them more help--practical and advisory--than we got when we were their age. A survey by Karen Fingerman asked parents of 20-something children whether they provided their grown sons or daughters practical assistance (money or help with everyday tasks) in the previous month. In 2008, two out of three parents said they had. Twenty years ago, only one in three parents had. We're also more generous with advice, companionship and an attentive ear: 86 percent of today's parents reported they had provided advice and the like in previous month; less than half did so in 1988.

Then there's data gathered by the Network on Transitions to Adulthood. It finds that American parents--rich, poor and in-between-- give 10 percent of their income to their 18- to 21-year old children.

This is not meant to be a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses moment--for measuring what you do against what others do. But it's interesting to have a date-driven perspective on how we're treating our 20-somethings, compared to the way our parents treated us--on average.

Helping Hands: A 20-Something moves out and on

Here's what Carol did last week for her son, who is 23 and moving out of her house to an apartment in another city. She paid the first month's rent and the security deposit; gathered 'extra" stuff from  her kitchen to set up his kitchen; bought him a bathroom plunger ("He doesn't even know how much he'll need that"), curtain rods and curtains, a bed and new clothes ["He has to look like a grown up, not a college kid."].

Here's what she says her son, who graduated from college in June, did on his own: Got a job starting in September with a volunteer service agency. Found the 4-bedroom townhouse rental ("I wish I'd been there to help with that. It's too far from the place where he'll be working.") and found three roommates who will be working for the same volunteer agency as he is.

Here's what he didn't do this summer that his mother thought he should do: Get a summer job. Study and take the GREs in preparation for applying to graduate school. Contact the roommates to coordinate what items--kitchen supplies, furniture--they would bring. Contact the utility company and persuade them to drop the security deposit--since the new tenants would be doing volunteer work. Show some excitement and enthusiasm for the next phase of his life.

Here's what Carol had to say at lunch, a few hours after this much-loved eldest son drove off to start his new life: "I need a drink to celebrate. Thank God he's gone."

The relief came from no longer having to nag him--and from no longer having to shoulder the responsibility for getting him set up and ready to go to work at his first real [9-5] job. There was also a little bit of rage, too. "When I was his age, I moved to my own apartment and no one helped me. I had to take care of everything all by myself."

So, I ask her, what would have happened if her son had to manage the move all by himself?

"Oh he would have been fine," she tells me. "But I would have been a basket case."

Case closed on why we hover and helicopter our adult children--children who are old enough to make a few mistakes on their own.

But here's some perspective on what we're dealing with when we're nurturing a 20-something toward independence. According to a recent New York Times article by Robin Marantz Henig, "What Is It About 20-Somethings," the 20s can be viewed--and are viewed by a growing movement in psychology circles--as a distinct life stage called "emerging adulthood." This stage, says Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, a psychology professor at Clark University, is marked by, among other things, the need for more education to survive in an information-based economy and fewer entry level jobs even after all that schooling. The emerging adulthood's psychological profile is marked by identity exploration, instability, self-focus, feeling in-between and "a sense of possibilities."

The piece, which explains how 'adolescence" came to be considered a stage of development and how 'emerging adulthood' is taking a similar path, is must-reading for anyone who is dealing with, has dealt with or is about to deal with a 20-something. Bottom line: Maybe they aren't ready to do what we did at their age.

Timing a Visit: How long should a visit to grownchildren and their families be?

Sometimes I wonder why I am so resistant to longer visits with my children [both of whom live in other cities]. I consider myself the master of the Blitzkrieg visit--in on a Saturday morning; out by Sunday evening, with lots of hugs, kisses, and grabbed conversations in between. You're gone before anyone gets on anyone's nerves.

But now, Alpha Daughter has moved to another country for a year--6 time zones away. I'll be going on my first visit there in a few weeks but clearly, the pure Blitzkrieg is out of the question. Nonetheless, I have a variation in mind: in for 2 or 3 days, off to another country to travel and tour, back for another 2 or 3 day visit, then home. I've shared the plan with my daughter--who was home with her child for a two-week visit--and she raised questions about it.  Why, she asked, do I prefer the short visit? After all, she pointed out, a longer one--and we have just been through this very long one successfully [no one got seriously disagreeable]--gives you a chance to get pulled into the daily rhythms of her family, to experience her child in a more personal way and gain greater understanding of their lives, as well as give you more opportunities for meaningful conversations.

What she says was certainly true of our two-week visit. So I think seriously about my short-visit preference. The only honest answer I can come up with is that my mother used to come to visit me for three weeks at a time.  She was intrusive and tried to impose her will on everything from how the house should be cleaned to how my children should be disciplined. How I hated those visits. I had a backache, stomach pain and hives by the time she left. The only plus side to the visits was the euphoria of relief when she left. So I've gone in the opposite direction. But my daughter's question makes me wonder if I'm so busy NOT being my mother that I'm giving up on some of the joys of parenting adult children and getting to know my grandchildren for better and occasionally worse.

Vacationing with Grown Kids: Who's picking up the bill?

Did you catch this column by Carolyn Hax? A grown child--Beachbummed--complains that her parents who have treated for vacations for years, were reluctant to join her when she and her husband rented a place this year. "They apparently are totally creeped out about our paying--they keep listing things they will pay for, like groceries, dinner, tolls--and keep saying they "don't want to intrude." Although she tells her parents they are not intruding--they are invited--they ended up staying for less than two days, hurting their daughter's feelings.

All I can say is, Was one of my children complaining about me? I have been there; done that. This year, when Uber son rented a vacation condo--we usually picked up the tab or, in more recent years, split it--he insisted on paying the rent in full. His argument: he was renting it at a time convenient to him, at a place he preferred, for his family of 5. Since he was setting the terms, he was paying the tab. Paterfamilias had to be disabused of the idea that there was not going to be any splitting of the bill. We tried to kick in our share by buying a lot of the groceries and taking the family out to dinner. Made us feel better. It is hard for us--and for others, like Beachbummed's folks--to sit back and let our kids pay for everything. And there is a sense that we're intruding on their privacy--as opposed to treating them to something they might otherwise not be able to afford.

The Beachbummed daughter wanted to know what she could say to her parents to convince them she and her husband were happy to have them stay for as long as they liked.One reader answered by noting that "my parents treat for everything when we're together. The times they let the "kids" treat is when it's a gift or a thank-you. Beachbummed should say the beach vacation is their way of thanking their parents for all of the family vacations over the years, and the BB and spouse would like them to enjoy the whole week for a change."

For those of us who resist such largess, Hax makes this point in her column's answer--a variation of my Note to Self: Let them treat you to something." Says Hax:"Letting people treat does empower them, while the reverse often infantilizes.

In Praise of Praise: There is power in positive encouragement--and vice versa.

I am a captive audience, tilted way back in the big chair at the dentist's office. While he works away, my dentist starts talking about his search to find the right incentive to get his youngest son off his duff. And that reminds him, he says, that he's the youngest of three boys and that his mom always pointed to the accomplishments of his older brothers whenever he did something--good or bad. Even today, he tells me, when she comes by to visit and sits in his waiting room, if a patient tells her, "Your son Steve is an artist of a dentist," she'll say, "You should see my son Norm." (Norm is also a dentist.) And, my dentist Steve continues, she does the same thing to Norm.

There's a breather in the dental work. I get to ask a quick question. "So how did that make you feel?"

"Oh we're used to my mom," Steve answers. "Our family was always indirect. We never told each other anything. We'd tell one brother to tell the other something. That's just how things worked in my family."

So he seems at peace with his mom's continuing "critical" approach to parenting him as an adult son. And yet, when the dental work is done and I am hauling myself out of the dental chair, Steve brings the subject up again. He starts telling me "Mom" jokes--jokes in which a Mom is the butt of the humor. The jokes are unkind at best. He winds up with this one: "My mom, she put the "fun" in "dysfunction."

Whew. That isn't what I'd want my kids saying about me. And it makes me wonder whether Steve wouldn't be thrilled by a direct compliment from his mom. A grown child is never too old for a positive word of encouragement. When it comes from a parent, it's mighty powerful. I, too, had a mother who withheld praise. I still have a little note she wrote when she was well into her 80s that told me how proud she was of my writing career. It was the first and only time she shared that sentiment with me. The note still makes me choke up.

Your Grown Child's Spouse: Ceding center stage to the new couple.

Seems like an obvious thing to say: Get off to a positive start with your grown child's spouse. But a recent Carolyn Hax column details how one mother-in-law managed to tick everyone off at the wedding. She ignored the bride's and groom's request about no photography during the ceremony, ordering the photographer to take the shots. The commotion during the ceremony upset the bride and when the couple called the mother about it a few days latter, she refused to discuss it. Now, according to the letter from the bride, the mother blames her daughter-in-law for the spat and won't talk to her.

As Hax notes, "This isn't about pictures. It's about her staking out her territory at your wedding, and now, with her outsize anger at you, in your marriage."

It's also about centrality. Most of us would not--hopefully--be as brazen about getting our way. But a big issue for us, as parents of grown children, is letting go--not just of trying to control our child but of  needing to be center stage, of being the one in control of the family drama. We may be more subtle than the photo-aggressive mother in the Hax column, but guilty in smaller ways. It's why I keep referring myself to a Note to Self: "It's their life."

Money Matters: The short road to their financial independence

One of my Notes to Self hit a chord with a former colleague I haven't seen in 25 years. She emailed me to respond to "Let them treat you to something." I had posted a note on a very special birthday outing from my son and daughter-in-law--and the difficulty I had in recognizing that I would be belittling them if I tried to pay. My colleague's son is a good deal younger than mine. But I'll let a portion of her email speak for itself:

"I well remember your sage advice when I was pregnant with my son; just about everything you said to expect came true. Now he's 23 and working, still lives home with us (for now). He's very generous, pays for room and board and sometimes dinners out for us all. Like you, I found it hard to get used to the largess, but now I realize that psychologically, it puts him on more of an even footing with us, and has helped him transition into adulthood."

Couldn't have said it better.

Grandparents Rule: We're a growing presence in cyberspace

We who are not only parenting grown children by grandparenting their children are part of a growing and vigorous online community.

I know this not only because I've discovered Susan Adcox's excellent about.com grandparenting site [see blogroll], but because another blogger was good enough to post the 50 best sites for grandparenting.

Who knew there were so many of us?--though we are not all doing exactly the same thing. The list is divided into categories--some by active grannies, some by papas and others that are only in part about grandparenting [such as this one].