Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Home Visit: A special welcome for the grandchildren

Uber son's family of five live in a city some 400 miles north of us. So it makes more sense for Paterfamilias and I to visit them, then it does for my son and daughter-in-law to drag three small children back to the family manse. Which is why it has been almost two years since they've been to our house for a weekend. 

Rarity has its charms--and inspirations. My store of toys and amusements for children were in sore need of an update--the two "big" Grands have outgrown the Matchbox cars and play dough. Instead of just laying in a store of stuff for them to do--just-in-case rainy day amusements--I decided to try a variation on something I had read about and posted a while ago: Creating a special bag of stuff for each child--anything from a funny toothbrush to a word-game book to a box of crayons.

It turned out to be a more interesting way to shop for stuff--thinking about each child and what he or she  would like. I ended up packing each bag with a few small items--from colored drinking cups with built in straws (one for each of them) to assorted small puzzles, a small board game, stencil kits and other art supplies. Bottom line: It didn't cost a lot of money but they seemed thrilled with having their own bag of tricks to rifle through. Especially the 2-year-old: She felt quite grown up being treated as an equal--especially since she got a page of stickers all to herself. 

Home Visit: A son and his family come home for a weekend

I wake up this morning to the sounds of my house. All the beds in it were full last night: Uber son and his family have come home for a weekend visit.

It is an hour before I usually get up, but I hear my toddler Grand. She woke up in a cheery mood and is now pattering around the house--her mom in tow--having a babbling conversation with herself. It's such a happy sound--like a soft, lilting song. Then I hear the "big kids." They are up and around and leave a more definitive step on the stairs.

Now they are all in the kitchen. I can hear cereal plopping into bowls, milk being poured and the chatter, chatter, chatter of children in the morning--a little tiff over something or other but otherwise breakfast is being wolfed down while I pull myself out of bed.

My house has come alive. It is stretching and expanding to shelter and care for them. Me, too.

The Power of "No:" Over-indulgence has its limits.

Our grown children may have great expectations about the goods and services we can--and often do--provide. That's' why, a friend says, she felt liberated when she said "no" to one of her children.

It may sound trivial--and clearly this is a parent and grandparent who enjoys indulging her children--but she has her limits. She had arranged for grown daughter and her three children to join her and grandpop for a long winter weekend at a resort in Florida. The grown child pays her family's air fare to Florida but my friend and grandpop foot the resort bill--room, meals, entertainment. They can afford it, and it gives them pleasure. One vacation day, my friend, daughter and granddaughter went shopping. As they passed a pricey children's boutique--the kind only grandmas shop at--my friends daughter told her daughter to go in there and pick out something,that grandma will buy it for her. And that's when my friend said No. "It was a tiny little thing, but I felt liberated. I was finally able to say, 'I'll do this, but not that.' " When she said no, my friend adds, "Chicken little did not fall from the sky."

The question for many of us is along the same line: How many times do we pull out the credit card or send the check because our kids make us feel it's expected? Even when we can afford it, are there times when we should say "no," when enough is enough?  

The Just Say No extends to matters beyond money. When we're expected to babysit--even tho we have other plans; when they want to come by for a visit--even though it's inconvenient. Many of us drop everything--cancel plans with friends, rearrange our schedules. Sometimes we should--our kids genuinely need us and the loving service only we can provide. But sometimes there's a feeling that they are taking advantage of us, that we still have an active life we're leading and can't drop everything just to make things more convenient for them. As my friend says, "It's a very interesting process to begin to do this."

Money Matters: Helping kids with big purchases

When it comes to money, we're all over the place--tight-fisted to spendthrift; controlling to reckless; obsessed to careless. When it comes to our kids, it's even worse. It gets emotional, often reflecting where we've come from in our own lives.

Here's what I mean: A friend of a friend is a very successful and high-profile lawyer--a millionaire many time over with a big house and many expensive cars to his name. And he did it by himself: Started with almost nothing and slogged his way through to his current position of power and affluence. That, at least, is the routine he has always given his sons when he tells them he will not help them out financially--no loans to buy a car, a house or pay unexpected expenses. When they were heading to college, he insisted they work their way through. His message: They should work just as hard he did. He doesn't owe them anything.

This is not to suggest he isn't a loving father. But he draws a tight fiscal line and has yet to cross it. I've written before about those of us who prefer to use our hard-won money to help our kids out--to see them enjoy in the here and now the relief our money can bring. But we also have friends who say, we put our kids through college and that's it; we don't intend to help them with anything else--not that they can't afford it; it's a principle. It's an issue I've visited before on this blog.

It may get down to something as basic as our life experiences. If our parents were generous, we may have that model and want to be generous as well. Or, if our parents were fiscally restrained, we may decide we don't want to follow that path. Or perhaps they were generous to one of our siblings and that brother or sister squandered the money and our inheritance as well. We might want to be more cautious in the help we offer our children or the strings we attach to that help.

If you have the money to do help your grown children, where do you draw the line? Or are you all or nothing? Some things--help with paying off college loans, perhaps--but not others? And how do you come to your philosophy of giving?

Re-Nesting: Togetherness across the generations

One big happy (or unhappy) family is taking on new meaning. Older moms and dads are moving in with their adult children, or the grown kids are moving in with them and those adult children have children of their own. One house: two or three generations. It's called multi-generational housing. And economists tie it to both the down-turned economy and health needs.

It's growth is for real. According to a January 2010 survey of its real estate agents, Coldwell Banker reports that in the past year, there has been a notable rise in the number of home buyers looking to purchase homes to accommodate more than one generation of their family. Nearly 70 percent of the sales agents see economic conditions accelerating that trend in the coming year.

Here's how the survey breaks down the reasons behind the multi-generational housing purchases: 39 percent give financial reasons as the number one driver; 29 percent point to health issues; 6 percent cite a strong family bond.

The emotional issues that tie into such togetherness can be, as comedian Sarah Silverman might say, "beyond beyond." On a more practical level, though, the Coldwell Banker survey has a tip for those preparing to be multi-generational homesteaders:

"Extended families purchasing a home together should consider signing a written contract outlining everything from finances to chores and childcare. Each family should assess their situation individually and find a plan that works best for them."

Parenting Advice from Experts: Seven tips on getting along with your grown child

Sometimes our relationship with a grown child sours. Maybe it's just going through a bad patch right now; maybe it's part of a general downward spiral. There are always reasons for a deterioration. Some of them may stem from--or be exacerbated by--things you say or do that you may not realize are toxic. Here's a checklist of seven such hot buttons--complied by Dr. Joshua Coleman. He calls them "recommendations to decrease conflict and increase closeness with your adult child."

· Don't criticize their choice in romantic partners. You have raised your adult child to be independent, so don't assume that you know better about who they should be with.

· Don't criticize their parenting. Yes, you may have years of experience, but most people like to learn on their own and resent intrusions from the outside, especially from parents.

· Don't criticize their sexuality. This should go without saying, but we don't choose our sexuality, our sexuality chooses us. Criticizing something about your child that is part of his or her make-up is a guaranteed recipe for alienation.

· Don't guilt trip about their lack of involvement with you. Guilt increases distance and resentment.

· If you're going to say no to a request for money or some other form of support, do it with affection and not as a complaint or criticism.

· Take responsibility for mistakes you've made in the past.

· If your adult child has cut off contact, don't respond with retaliation. Work to understand why your child feels the way that he or she does. Assume that there are separate realities in every family and that your adult child has a legitimate perspective, even if it isn't obvious to you. Get a lot of support for the inevitable feelings of hurt, anger, guilt, or shame evoked by the alienation from your adult child.