Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Thanksgiving's Good Tidings: We see ourselves as others see us

Our family is together for the Thanksgiving feast: Paterfamilias and I, Uber Son and his family, Alpha daughter and hers. We are gathered together at Uber Son's house--we all live in different cities and his is centrally located, big enough to fit us all in and require the least amount of airplane flights. There is much to say about these several days of togetherness--there are moments of great joy and hilarity--grandkids are cute and smart and amazing--and some difficult passages that attach to having so many people together at once, vying for attention. This is especially so when you all haven't been together for an extended period of time. I will write more of that after I've digested it. But one moment stands out:

We are seated for dinner--kids at a small table near the adult table. The wine has been poured at the big-people table, and Paterfamilias suggests a toast to being together plus a question: What do each of us have to be thankful for. Our answers vary based on our particular perspectives--Paterfamilias is grateful for the political change in the country; I am thrilled to see all my grandchildren playing together under one roof. And so on. But one of our guests--the widower of our best friend, a man who has been part of our Thanksgivings since the children were teenagers and Thanksgivings were held in our home--has his own observation. He has flown up to Uber son's house to be part of this year's feast and he says he is thankful to be with a functioning family when there is so much dysfunction all around us.

As a family, we may have our difficult passages, but they are just that: passages.

A Poet Says It Best: Ancient advice for where we are now

Alpha daughter gave me a gift a while ago. A book of Tao Te Ching poems. For months, it sat in a messy pile on my desk, unopened. I was too busy to slow down to reflect and lose myself in poetry. Time and mood conspire: I found the little book--a mere 120 pages, some with delicate ink-wash drawings--on a day when I was trying to think my way through a messy passage in my life. Among the gems I found in "The Sage's Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for the Second Half of Life" by William Martin, was this sparely written poem that, for all its gentle tone, rips right to the heart of where we are as parents of grown children--or, rather, where we aspire to be.

Like the Full Moon on an Autumn Evening

When we were young/and feeling the need to prove ourselves,/we generated heat and energy/like the noonday sun./ But now we take time to reflect the Tao/and bathe our world in soft silent beauty/like the full moon on an Autumn evening.

An abundance of opinions will generate heat/but accomplish nothing./You no longer have to comment/on each and every little thing./You can observe events with a detached serenity./When you speak,/your words are gentle, helpful, and few./Your silence is as beautiful as the Harvest moon.

Money Matters: What happens when you can no longer help your kids?

A friend tells me this story: His friends--a couple who retired last year--have a son living in Florida. He was in the construction business but Florida's economy--and particularly the home building business--is in the tank right now. Long story short: The son lost his job. The parents, who had done well during their working years--have been paying his mortgage so he won't lose his home. But their 401k took quite a hit in the Great Recession. Their investment income is down. And now they are talking to their son about how he might have to let his house go.

It's a painful conversation to have. Many of us who built up comfortable nest eggs during our working years are feeling pressed to have the kind of retirement we thought we'd have. But this takes that worry up a notch: What happens when our children run into trouble? Many of us have always assumed--not necessarily articulated but it was there in the back of our minds--that we'd be able to help our kids through tough times. But now the tough times are prolonged and the foreclosure problem deep. For many of us and for many of our kids, there's no relief in sight yet. At what point do we say, 'Sorry. We can't help anymore.' And not be crushed by it.

Paying for Vacation: Who foots the bill when you're all adults?

"It took a lot of courage to make that call." That's what my dentist tells me. We are talking about a vacation she took with her two sons and their families. One son lives in the middle of the country; the other on the east coast in the same city as my dentist. She wanted to have a mini-vacation where the sons could see each other and the cousins could play together and get to know each other better. I know that feeling. For several years, my two children lived on opposite coasts and I saw a me-organized vacation as a means toward cousin-bonding.

Her problem--one many of us face--was fiscal: She didn't feel it was fair to pay for everyone--her sons are, after all, adults who are able to support their families. But she knew it would be easy for one son to pay his way and a hardship for the other. That's when she made the call: To the son who was more comfortable financially. She asked him how he felt about paying for a condo unit for himself and his family. No problem, he said. "Well," she then told him, "I don't think your brother can so would you mind if we paid for part of his unit." "No problem, Mom," her son said. She then called her other son and he told her he really couldn't afford the trip. She offered to split the condo charge with him and the deal was sealed.

The 4-day vacation at a park in Ohio--two condo units (one for each young family) and a room at the main lodge for my dentist and her husband--went really well, she says. The cousins had fun together. Each son and family cooked dinner for the rest of the extended family one night; the parents took everyone out one night.

There were many things that made the vacation a success. Good weather. Fun things to do together and apart. But a key, my dentist says, was talking about and settling the financial issues in advance.