Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Ask your grown kids when they're planning to have a baby--at your peril. Doonesbury explains.

If there's one thing most of us know (or should), it's that there's one place our advisory counsel should not go: Suggesting to our grown children that they have a baby. Or asking them when. The opening line of such forbidden dialogue would start with, "It's time." I say this because I remember it happening to me (my mother and father thought that was the point of getting married), and I suppose that's why I consider it forbidden territory. It's a personal and private decision and touches on a fiery nexus of sex, money and independence.

Doonesbury now joins me in those ranks. He's always followed along with the concerns of our generation and now there this: His Sunday, August 23 strip has the mom, sitting around the table with son and daughter-in-law, start off with a conversation changer: "So when are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?" When asked what elephant, she answers: "The grandchildren that aren't sitting around this table." Things deteriorate from there. But for any of you tempted to make a similar point, check Doonesbury first.

When the grown kids move back home: Here are some survival tips.

The economy's been brutal, and especially so on the generation that's just getting started on its careers and on those the next rung or two up. We who have retired or are close to doing so are probably in better shape--despite losses in the 401k. So it's not surprising that a recent poll by Grandparents.com finds we are the well-tapped Bank of Mum and Dad. Three-fifths of 10,000 recently surveyed grandparents said they have been providing some sort of financial support to their grown kids and grandkids in the last 12 months.

For some, that helps includes housing: the adult children move back in, some with their kids. Whatever the arrangement, financial advisers say parents need to take steps to protect their own finances, such as making sure their homeowners and auto insurance will cover the adult children and even grandchildren that are now in residence.

For more tips, check out these ideas from the experts. Here's a shortened form of the tips that go beyond the usual.

Avoid reverting to decades-old behavior, from when the adult children were still teenagers, when it comes to bill paying.

As emotional and relationship issues collide with financial issues, the older parents need to be wise and cautious. At the same time, they can demand that their adult children share personal financial information.They don't have to share theirs.

Older parents should try to keep a budget while their adult kids are back at home so that they can avoid going too heavy on withdrawals from retirement accounts"Just give kids a place to stay and help them until they get back on their feet." one expert says. "They just need to have a reasonable lifestyle."

Retirement funds should be kept separate from funds used to run the household.

If you were planning to give gifts anyway, don't be afraid to spend money on them now. It just means you'll leave less in your will or give smaller presents in the future.

While older parents are the executives of the household, rules--about buying food using the phone or computer--should be crafted together.

Vacationing with Grown Kids: Serial togetherness is the charm

When our grands were 1,2 and 3 years old, and again when they were 2,3, and 4, we spent our summer vacation by renting a large condo in Vermont and inviting both uber son and his two children and alpha daughter and her one to stay with us. All of us--under one roof. My reasoning was simple: Alpha lived on one coast; Uber on the other: if we didn't have this family-together time, how would the cousins get to know each other?

Readers of this blog may know that these vacations didn't work out so well. Oh our grown children said they were fun--they even requested repeat performances. But I felt so divided--always wanting to ease the way for a Grand who needed a cuddle or a parent who needed a mini-break--and was worn out by the end of the week. Since then, the Grands have grown--they are now 6,7 and 8 plus there's a new 1-year-old--and Alpha daughter has moved east to the same coast as her brother. They now live a mere 3-hour drive apart. So the compelling need to vacation together under one roof is no longer so pressing. Nor so desirable. Different parenting approaches can make for hard feelings when you're all under one roof. My daughter-in-law summed up one of those vacations best: "It's like a great play date--that goes on too long."

The whole issue of family vacationing was taken out of our hands this year. Uber son rented his own place for a week and invited us to join him for part of the time. So we, in turn, rented the same place for the next week--thereby letting him extend his stay a few days. And we invited alpha daughter to haul  herself and her family to that condo while we were there. For three days of those two weeks, we were all together--the "big" cousins romping and playing and giddy with the delight of seeing each other. Alpha daughter and her family stayed in a nearby motel that allowed dogs [she came with her rather large puppy and several of us are allergic to dogs] and it all worked out really well. The natural break at bedtime--one family to bed upstairs; the other to the motel--gave the cousins time to unwind. The dog was a big hit with Uber son's baby and there was scarcely a meltdown or scene to be seen.

We got to spend time with each of our children and their family exclusively--and expend all our attention on the Grand or Grands at hand. But when we were all together, magical things happened. My daughter-in-law taught her niece to ride a bike; my son-in-law taught his nephew to catch frogs. The dog cozied up to the baby and let her explore the wonders of her pelt. I say magical, but it's really what families are all about. It's just that when your grown children live in different cities--from you and from each other--these "normal" moments don't have too many chances to happen. And that's what made this serial vacation [with overlap] so wonderful: the time and opportunity for the miraculously normal things to happen.

Visiting Privileges: Put down that broom; don't lift that dust rag

A friend's daughter lives in London. She's gone and married a Britisher and has three sons--all of whom speak with a marked British accent. When she visits and they want their dessert, they ask, "May I have some pudding, please." Christopher Robin, where are you?

But I digress. On her most recent visit to her daughter, my friend, MaryEllen, was asked by the daughter to make her famous lamb dish--famous within the family and a favorite of the daughter's. Off to work went the daughter and son-in-law; off to school, accompanied by the nanny, went the children. There MaryEllen was, alone in a strange kitchen. She didn't know where things were kept but she did know she needed a big pot. So she looked in all the cabinets and finally found a big pot in a high-up cabinet. When she climbed up there to take it down, she noticed there was a lot of dust. Her first thought: Tell her daughter that the once-a-week housekeeper needed to clean up there. And when her daughter came home--the house sweetly perfumed by the lamb dish--that's what she started to say. But before she could get it all out, her daughter launched into an outburst: "Is this why you come to visit? To search around and find things that are wrong? Why don't you just stay home"--and lots of other words to that effect.

MaryEllen is not alone. Another friend, Cesar and Marcia, went to visit their daughter and her family in California. They stayed in their apartment, providing some babysitting for their grandchild. One evening, when guests were expected for dinner and the grown children were at work, Cesar took out the vacuum cleaner and started vacuuming. His son-in-law came home in the midst of the clean-up and started yelling at him--a diatribe similar to the one MaryEllen experienced. Only more shocking, since it wasn't his child who was lambasting him. It was his son-in-law.

We may think we're helping our children and their families--pointing out that the maid should dust a closet; cleaning up when guests are due--but whatever we're doing is implied criticism. We are not, in fact, minding our business. We're minding theirs. Only we just don't know when we are doing that and when we are actually being helpful.

 

Re-Nesting: Advice on the move back home

If your grown children and their children are moving back home--out of economic necessity or for a temporary but long-term visit--there are lots of challenges ahead. Here's a blog that's detailing how one family is working things out. I like the tone of it. Here's part of an opener to one recent entry:

"When you invite your children to come back home for whatever reason (in this case a bad housing market) you can’t make them feel as if they are imposing.  It is very important to let them know that this is their home now also.  With a few simple ground rules laid out in advance, everyone can feel comfortable."

If you're interested in reading more, click here