Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Anger Management: A poet's perspective on who's to blame for the mess they're in

Nobody's perfect, least of all us as parents of grown children. But here's poet Philip Larkin's misanthropic perspective on how we may feel about our parents, and how our kids may feel about us--on rare occasion, of course. Pass the blame, anyone?

This Be the Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

--Philip Larkin

Letting Go: The surge in the urge to protect

I spent a weekend with Alpha Daughter and her daughter. Alpha had to take part in a conference at a college that was a 4-hour drive from my home and two airplane flights from hers. She did not wish to be parted from her child for yet another weekend; her husband couldn't get away. I offered to meet her at the college, babysit by day and be there for a friendly visit in the evening. I drove there by myself [paterfamilias did not wish to partake] and it was unnerving--I was driving into unknown territory and it is hard to read a map when you're at the wheel and you want to double check those directions. In any case, I got there--rattled but I arrived. So did she--after several flight delays. So we weren't off to the best of starts.

The weekend wasn't easy. None of us were on familiar ground. But we made it through without any major meltdowns. Then came the time to part. I drove her to the little airport that serves the college town and told her to run inside and see if her flight was on time. In she went and out she came: the flight would be delayed; no one knew how long. It had yet to leave the airport from whence it was supposed to cometh. If that flight was late, she would miss her connecting flight and then... and then?

That was her problem. Here was mine. Stay or go? If i stayed, I could always drive her to our home and put her on a direct flight to her city. This is what I was thinking as she unloaded her bags and her daughter. I hesitated. The urge to protect was surging. Should I park the car and wait with her to make sure everything was OK? Or should I drive off--I had a four hour drive ahead of me and had to go to work the next day. What to do?

Reader, I left: Helped her get the bags out of the car; kissed my little Grand goodbye and started the journey home. With a heavy heart. Anxious. Uneasy. But here was the comfort I took: I reminded myself that Alpha daughter is a grown woman with a child. She will handle whatever happens. It's my maternal instinct kicking in that made me want to provide and protect. But she has that instinct now--for herself and her child.

I was reminded of this feeling when I read a piece in the New York Times by Michelle Slatalla, in which she describes how her college-age daughter on a trip to Haiti to do volunteer work becomes ill--sick enough to need intravenous fluids. The mother's first instinct is to fly to her side--but it's not really possible at that moment. As the daughter starts to recover, she calls and asks her mother whether she should come home. She wants to but doesn't want to. What should she do, she asks her mother? "Stay" Slatalla says, though she agonizes over the decision. "There's nothing that instructs parents on exactly how and when to let go," the mother writes. "No guidebook that says how much or how far to push."

Hers was clearly a closer call than mine. A younger child; a situation more fraught with danger. But the feeling at the core is the same: The need, the desire, the urge to take care of our children--even when they are grown up and leading independent and successful lives.

Moving Home: The Boomerang kids return to the nest

This isn't the first time I've posted links to newspaper, magazine or blog items on how to handle a return to the nest. But it is the first time I've seen the topic covered at length by no less a media than the New York Times. In true Times tradition, "When Fledglings Return to the Nest" covers the basics thoroughly. Here are some highlights:

 Should you take them in:"Given your own economic circumstances, you may not be able to afford another mouth to feed. But if forcing children to live on their own may lead to a bigger bailout later, it may not be economically smart. Besides, having kids at home again may help you save money."

Should they pay rent? The issue "isn’t so much whether you charge. It’s why the child has moved home in the first place." The anecdotes in the article suggest that if the children aren't slackers--are just in a tough financial spot right now--you might want to forgo rent or charge a token fee, one that rises with time until it's close to market rate. One parent put it this way: “I’m aware of the circumstances where within the family there’s the proverbial 35-year-old living at home How does it get to the point where the child didn’t decide to move on? The bond between child and parent is so strong, it was easier for us in the abstract to say that this was the program.”

If they pay rent, should you refund it when they move on? While some parents see the rent as a real contribution to the household, others "consider it a reward for good financial behavior, or a leg up on a future down payment."

Should you give them financial advice? Tread carefully here. Use other sources--books, articles--as a referral on the topic. One parent suggests this mantra:  “When you have adult children, you cannot tell them what to do. You can only tell them what you’ll pay for. And if they don’t need you to pay for it, then you can only hope that they ask for your advice and take it.”

What if the stay is prolonged as a way for the child to save money for the future? "It may work best if the child works 80-hour weeks or travels constantly. It may help if the parents are gone most weekends, or if the child crashes at the home of a paramour frequently. It helps, too, to have no siblings underfoot and a bathroom (and better yet, an entrance) of one’s own. And, of course, the child needs to save the money as planned. If squabbles ensue, the child can always move out. But if everyone gets along, these children eventually move out with a big pile of money in the bank. And that safety net makes it more likely they will never again have to move back in with you."

Money Matters: How we view the recession's impact depends on how old we are

As readers of this blog may know, I've got quite a collection here of studies done in Great Britain, Australia and other countries on how "the bank of mum and dad"  is faring in this economic downturn. Short answer: not well. To complement those reports, here's one from Pew on how our perspectives of the downturn and our financial well being are tempered or magnified by the age group we find ourselves in. Our grown kids, it turns out, are the most hopeful--time is on their side. But here's some of what Pew [Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends] found about the rest of us.

Adults 65 and older--most of whom have already retired and downsized their lifestyles--have escaped the downturn's full fury. Adults in late middle age (50 to 64) have seen their nest eggs shrink the most and their anxieties about retirement swell the most. Younger adults (ages 18-49) have taken the worst lumps in the job market but remain relatively upbeat about their financial future.

Some details of interest:

Older adults are less likely to say the recession has been a source of stress in their family. Despite the recession, three-quarters say they expect to be able to leave an inheritance for their children--even though more than half of all older adults say the recession has reduced the amount of money or property they expect to bequeath.

Two-thirds of adults ages 50-64 say they lost money in the past year in mutual funds, individual stocks or 401(k)-type retirement accounts. Of those who report such losses, two-in-ten say they lost more than 40% of their investments' value and nearly four-in-ten say they lost 20% to 40%. By comparison, far fewer older adults or younger adults report losing money in stocks and retirement accounts in the past year.