Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Empty Nesting: The honeymoon's over when the kids come home again

No less a source than Newsweek is tackling the empty nest syndrome. They start off with this good-news phenomenon:

"Rather than feeling bereft without kids, many couples find themselves swept up in what's commonly known as a second honeymoon after their kids leave. There's even scientific backing for the notion that a marriage gets a lift when the kids leave. A University of California study published in November in the journal Psychological Science followed 123 middle-aged women for 18 years and found a strong correlation between empty-nest status and an increase in how much the women enjoyed spending time with their partners.,"

Ah science! With the economy tanking and adult kids less able to live independently, however, the bliss--well, it could be missed. Here's Newsweek again:

"These extended stays can jolt the marital relationships of couples that have settled into happy new kid-free patterns. "It's hard to put their needs on the back burner and have the kids be the first priority again," says Phyllis Goldberg, a psychotherapist and counselor in California. But by not losing focus on themselves, parents can ease the transition and keep their re-lit flame burning."

Yes, amidst the return to living through the minutia of their lives--the ups and downs of romance, of job hunting, job holding, tiffs with friends, to say nothing of poor housekeeping habits. Good luck with the romance.

Home for the Holidays: Being a good vistor or host

Whether your family comes to you or you go to them, the holidays--Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover, whatever--can be a strain on everyone. Setting aside the emotional pitfalls, there are also the day-to-day physical displeasures--beds to make, food to prepare, individual needs to cater to. That's what I found so helpful in this blog: It's full of simple ways to ease the hospitality issues.

One of the writer's ideas: keep little tote bags for each grandchild--or adult child. Fill it with special little things each one likes or needs (a wash cloth, slippers, favorite lotions; for little kids, crayons and a pad of paper.) On arrival day, put the tote on each child's bed, along with a towel, new box of tissues and a bottle of water. Repeat for each visit.

So simple. So welcoming. And so easy to do if it becomes a habit. I like it! I may even try it.

 

 

College Bound: Our kids' college plans are tied to our home ownership.

Some of our grown kids take on college debt--and we may help them repay it. Some of us pay for their schooling outright. A recent study from the University of Michigan finds there is a clear connection between parents' home ownership and home equity, and adult their children's college attendance.

The findings suggest, the economists who ran the study say, that sagging college enrollments may be the next nasty fallout from the sub-prime mortgage mess.

The researchers used data from 2005--"during the happy days of the economy," says U-M researcher Frank Stafford. "Mortgages were easy to obtain and rapidly rising home equity led a lot of parents to feel that it was possible to help their children with college expenses."

The study found that, among the 745 families sampled--and even after controlling for parental education--64 percent of the children of home-owners were enrolled in college, compared with 33 percent of renters; 51 percent of children whose parents had less than $25,000 of home equity were enrolled in college, compared with 88 percent of those whose parents had $350,000 or more of home equity.

Bottom line: WIth the downward spiral to the economy and the deep falloff in real estate values, our ability to help our kids with college costs is likely to translate into lower enrollments and delay of college for many of our kids.