I am now more than a decade past shipping uber son and alpha daughter off to college.
They've graduated, started careers, moved to other cities and coasts,
are leading successful and independent lives: just what any parent
could wish. I couldn't feel better about them. And yet, I still
remember to this day the first month of the empty nest--my children are
one year apart in school years and when my youngest left, the house was
suddenly so cold, so empty. No loud music blaring from the stereo;
no basketball being bounced in the living room. Paterfamilias and I,
who've had a good marriage, found ourselves quarreling with each other. Nitpicking. Not being nice. It took a while to
realize that we were both feeling incredibly sad at the loss of the children. And it is a
loss, no matter how happy we are to see them set those feet on the road
to independence. And as in any marriage, it always helps when one is
feeling up when the other is going through a down. But here we were,
both down. We got through it and started to enjoy the next stage in our
lives. But there are dangers in letting our children see those emotions--it's called a guilt trip--and there are strongly competing emotions as well, as therapists Susan Newman and Michele Weiner-Davis point
out in this bit of blog from Psychology Today. Hopefully, paterfamilias and I never transmitted the sad ones, only the glad ones,
to our kids. Evidently, they felt guilt-free enough to move about the
country.
Here are some highlights from the Psychology Today blog:
Some words of caution from Susan Newman:
"In our digital age, the real risk is that parents remain in charge
directing a student's every move no matter where in the country he or
she attends college. E-mail, instant messaging, and cell phones allow
immediate contact -truly a double edged sword. For college-age
children, the journey toward independence is being short-circuited when
parents continue to micromanage their college lives. "
"When parents run interference for every single
snag in their child's life, mom and dad maintain control of their
college student. Constant involvement is a very hard habit to break."
Finally, here's a surprising observation about the empty nest and the blue feeling parents feel when their kids move out and on.
"Men are 'less prepared for the emotional component of the transition.'
For women empty nest is not such
a terrible thing, but rather they view it as an opportunity to move on.
Men express regret for the things
they didn't do and opportunities they didn't take to be with their
children."
Some observations on empty nest emotions from from Michele Weiner-Davis:
"A certain
stage in one's life is over. The kids have flown the coop. And while
it's true that when young adults leave home, it opens up many new
horizons for parents, it's also true that endings often bring a sense
of loss. Feelings of loss are not unhealthy, they are a sign of love,
connection and caring. What is unhealthy is the mistaken but common
notion that feelings cause people to act in certain ways. In other
words, if I'm sad about my child leaving home, I will behave in ways
that will signal these feelings and "lay a guilt trip" on my child. "
"I have no difficulty
experiencing diametrically opposed feelings at one time--sadness and
pride--and feel no compunction whatsoever to act on my feelings of
grief other than to normalize it when others share this emotion and
encourage them to find ways to fill the void. In other words, it's
possible to feel sadness and not behave in ways that are self-centered
or that would thwart our children's growth.
"When a young person asked me
what she should do because she felt guilty leaving her single mother
behind, I simply responded: It's not your job. It is lovely that you care about her feelings.
But she is an adult and she must find ways to make her life fulfilling
without you. All parents need to do this, even single ones. I know you
love her, and you should keep in touch with her. But she should
reassure you that she is fine(even if she is lonely), because it is
YOUR job to spread your wings right now and fly. Let her know you love
her but keep flying."