Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Re-Nesting: They can go home again

We've got yet another study on grown children and money. This time it's not about how we parents are helping them pay their bills or buy a house  (we can be so wonderfully generous, can't we?), but about the pressures that force them home again and how we ought to deal with the boomerang kids.

A recent story in the Washington Post looked at the three-year trend for moving back home: nearly half the about-to-be college grads plan to do so after they graduate. The survey, courtesy of MonsterTrak, also found an uptick in this year's rate-of-return: where 22 percent of last year's survey respondents said they planned to live at home for six months or so, a year later, 43 percent of them are still there. Chief among the reasons for staying put:debt--college loan and credit card.

Moving back home for an extended time isn't necessarily healthy for either the parents or the grown children. They lose their independence and we get to see our grown child's habits up close and personal.

The Post story listed some issues that should be discussed "before the bags are unpacked." These start with rent [will it be levied], length of stay and personal financial information.  The experts quoted in the story say we parents have a right to that information in order to keep tabs on our adult child's progress toward independence [and a move out of the house].  "If they don't want to be accountable to you,"  the advice reads, "then they need to get up and out of your house."

Tough love. And a form of love that doesn't sit too well with some of us. Having to have a contract with our children? Ick. Charging them rent? You'd have to be in desperate financial straits--unless you were putting it in a savings account for them so they'd have a nest egg ready when they're ready to move onward and out.

Any other thoughts on where you'd come down on dealing with a re-feathered nest?

A New Baby: Offering help in one form and another

There's a lot of excitement in our small family. We have a new baby--that is, Uber Son and his wife have brought forth their third. Babies are something we know something about. And we also know--experience cannot be denied--how hard it can be to juggle taking care of a newborn while also meeting the needs of two young children, a spouse, a home and mealtimes. We know how helpful it is to have another pair of hands--especially hands that can drive a car and take a child to piano lessons, get another to soccer practice, race to the supermarket for supplies, cook meals that can be frozen for use on another day--and bring the nursing mother a glass of water while that new baby is taking nourishment (oh the thirst when you're nursing).

Paterfamilias and I just spent several days as extra pairs of hands. This is, of course, a basic service that comes with being parents of grown children.  But when we leave--we live a seven-hour drive to the south--both Paterfamilias and I key in on the same thing: How will they manage? I am distraught that I can't offer to spend another week or two to help. (It's something called a job.) What, after all, am I here for if not to help when help is needed. I look at my schedule and try to figure out when I can come back.

Paterfamilias has another solution. He sends them a check, earmarked for paying for babysitters. Get them often, he writes in his note.

It's practical. It's helpful. And it's also appreciated. And it's what we parents of grown children can do when we can't do the job ourselves.

Money Matters: Setting limits when you make a loan

When you lend your grown kids money--and it's a loan, not a gift--you may be risking a whole new set of pressures on your relationship. "What seems straightforward can become a straitjacket if families aren't careful," a recent news story reports. It asks the key questions:  How do you keep family harmony when money is given to one child and not others? What happens if a son or daughter can't -- or won't -- repay the loan?

Some pointers::

1. Call it what it is--a loan or a gift? If you actually don't expect any payback, give the money unconditionally; otherwise it's not really a gift, but a debt in grandiose disguise.

A loan is much more work.

2. Discuss the need.

"If parents are going to be the bank, they should act like the bank," says a financial adviser. "You've got to treat it seriously; kids need to understand this is not petty cash."

3. Keep it simple

Draft a document stating how the loan will be structured. Get a promissory note in writing and set a repayment schedule. "You've got to set the tone. All the other family members are watching."

4. Don't play favorites

Not all children are the same, but parents generally prefer to keep things equal among their children. 

One solution is to reduce the borrower's share of a trust or inheritance by the amount of the loan, which counts as part of your assets.

Final words of advice from a financial adviser: "If you've got a challenging relationship with your kids, you for sure don't want to be their banker. If you have a good relationship with your kids, you want to be careful about being their banker. Nothing can make a good relationship go bad than money." 

On the Road: Taking grown children on your vacation

Vacationing with adult children is a whole new world--from getting to know them (and their habits) all over again to issues over who's paying for what and who's making the decisions. I'll be blogging about that all summer long, but meanwhile there's this story by a dad who's a professional traveler--he was escorting a large tour on a worldwide trip and brought his adult daughter along. He doesn't describe any pain in traveling with his now-grown daughter--just the wonder at her wonder at seeing the world's greatest sights.

He starts off witih his most trenchant point:"One reality most families eventually deal with is that when your kids grow up, graduate from college and begin a life of their own, it is easy to grow apart, particularly if they live a distance away. They have their own friends, interests and want their independence. It is a rare opportunity to have them set aside a few weeks to just be with you."

Who's an Adult: Defining a point in time

A college professor takes a crack at pinpointing when an adolescent becomes an adult. It's not as easy as he thinks.

News Alert: How others (our grown children) see us

This just in from MSNBC. It's not only a look at what we do that our grown children don't like, it asks for anecdotes--outrageous is what it requests.  The headline says it all: Grandparents Behaving Badly. Check it out.