Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Money Matters: What the Brits are up to

We are not alone. On the other side of "the pond," British parents of adult children are helping their kids out financially in roughly the same way we are and for similar reasons.
The latest Scottish Widows savings and investment report tells us that 42 percent of adult children are using the parental largesse to pay off debt--only 22 percent did so last year; 29 percent are using the money to buy property, and that's down from 32 percent last year. You can read more about the Scottish Widows study here [http://uk.reuters.com/articlePrint?articleId=UKHIL75771320080227]

Another British study on first time homebuyers indicates that one-in-16 of them have to take a loan from their parents to afford a property. More about that here [http://www.moneyhighstreet.com/news/18486938+Children+increasingly+need+financial+help+from+parents+to+get+mortgage/]

Money Matters: A question of custodial financing

OK. It's official. Every recent survey I've seen says our generation is generous to our grown children: nine out of 10 of us give them a needed financial boost from time to time. (The latest version of that stat is in a survey by Ameriprise Financial; you can find it at ameriprise.com/presscenter ). The Bank of Ma and Pa opens up when the kids are in their 20s (helping mostly with college loans, buying a car and free rent at the old homestead) and keeps on giving even when the kids are well into their 40s.

Here's something else the surveys find: It's not the kids who are demanding the help. Financial planners and real estate agents who see multigenerational accounting in action say it's more about generous parents than spoiled children. We are responding to financial challenges our kids face that we may not have had to deal with: staggering student loans and high-priced real estate are the two big ones. But I see a lot of other little things, like the creep of monthly bills just to maintain technological currency--the cell phone and texting; high-speed and WiFi Internet connections; a cable connection; iPods and iTunes. And that's before they need BlackBerries.

Now that we know they need our help and we give it, the survey I'd like to see is whether we give with or without strings attached. And even when we don't, do we inadvertently put a tit for tat on the money?

String-attaching is a form of custodial financing. It implies an on-going say in your grown child's life. And, according to Carolyn Hax, an advice columnist who appears in the Washington Post, when a parent remains in the parent role too firmly and too long, kids still see themselves as kids; they develop a sense of entitlement to money and life shortcuts. Worse, resentments develop. and that's what the problem is with custodial finance.

The Tech Gap: Keeping up with the iPods

She no longer has a land line. Alpha daughter, who is not particularly a techie, is all cell phone, all the time. I feel unmoored.
She doesn't have a TV. Not that she doesn't watch television programs. Her little family gets all its feeds from the computer. Movies too. Books on tape , music, photos--you name it: In her household, it's on the computer or the iPod. I feel lost. What if I want to see the 7:00 news on NBC when I visit? I couldn't figure how to manage it.
It's not easy keeping up with the new technologies, even when your children aren't latest-tech-tool crazy. [At least they're not text messaging--make that, OMG, no txting!]
That said, I try to keep up. It helps that paterfamilies and I are still working, so we're exposed to the jabber and chatter about Facebook and Wiki and even--have you heard of this one?--Twitter. I used to think my mother, who was born in 1912, lived through enormous changes--electricity, radio, telephones, television, computers.  But those changes took place over the course of her lifetime. The changes today are by the minute, and if we don't keep up, we get left behind--not just by society but our own children.
I suggested to Uber son that we all get Skype. You know, of course, what that is. Telephone through the computer with a little digital eye that lets you see the persons you're calling. I could see the Grands while I talk to them. [But what if I could also see them say Noooooo when they're asked if they want to talk to me or Paterfamilias? ]
Am i crazy to be pioneering within my family for this form of communication? So far, I've only suggested it. Makes me feel with-it. Uber son even gave me a figurative pat on the back for knowing about Skype, no less suggesting it.

Money Matters: Who pays the tab?

They're close friends so they feel free to ask: Are you still paying your daughter's airfare? Like me, one of their grown children was living on the other coast. Their son moved there for graduate school, married a fellow student. Money was tight; kids were being born. My friends could afford the air fare, and they wanted to see their son and his children. They picked up the tab for trips across the country--for holidays and for summer vacations at their home on Cape Cod. Now, ten years later, both son and daughter-in-law have good jobs, their kids are in school so day care costs are down. My friends figure grown children should be able to pay their own way.

They mentioned it to their son, and he said "No." Well, not in those words. He's a very nice and thoughtful young man. But he said that money was short--he and his wife are renovating their house and had some other big bills to pay. Trips across the country for two adults and two children were too much for his budget.

OK. But my friends are on the verge of retirement and not feeling quite as financially easy as they had been about forking over $1,200+ each time their son and his family comes home--which is two to three times a year.

It's a predicament. We all want our kids to come home for visits and to enjoy vacations with them, but when a long and expensive flight is involved, what's fair?

Keeping Up Appearances: When the grown kid looks lousy.

Unwashed hair. Unkempt clothes. A beer belly and then some. When our grown children don't look their best--not even close to it--it's upsetting. Embarrassing. Annoying. Is it a blow to the pride?--you want to show them off but here they are looking down at the heels. Is it plain old materialism?--they should be showcasing the best and most expensive.

I got an insight into what it could be from a friend who just went through a bout of the unkempts.
She had rented a seaside house for the summer and invited her son and his latest girlfriend to come visit--make it their vacation. But it was a strangely uncomfortable visit--they kept to themselves and were quite distant. And all of this was made worse by the son's appearance. He was badly in need of a haircut and the clothes he wore were frayed--buttons missing, tee shirts ripped. For my friend, it became the focus of everything that was going wrong.  "He looked like a loser," she says, and she is close to tears when she says it.

And there's where I think she put her finger on the issue: It's deeply disturbing when our kids look lousy. The fear is, they may not be doing well. They may be failing in life. We don't want this for them. We want life to go well for them.

In my friend's case, her son had been eased out of a business he had started with friends. He had been out of work for several months and had just come from some unpromising job interviews. His appearance spoke volumes about how he felt about himself. And that's why it was so depressing.  We are, as the old adage goes, only as happy as our unhappiest child.