Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Money Matters: State of the Stats

Do we give till it hurts? Between my friends, their friends, friends of theirs and people who've clicked onto this blog, there's a recurrent theme: How much, how often, for what and until when do we help our kids out financially.

It's all very personal, of course. But here's a little statistical oversight from a recent survey of some 400 parents of adult children:
90 %  of us continue to support our children after they turn 18.
83 % of us support our children through higher education.
11 % of us help them to buy their first home.

It's a change from our generation. When we were young adults, the survey found, only 39 % of us who went on to college or beyond got help from their parents.

Why the change? Our kids need more help, survey researchers say. They're faced with high overall living costs, high levels of student debt and low starting salaries. Besides, we're better able to finance that support than were parents in the 1970s and 1980s.  Well, that's what they say.

Advice from Experts & Others:Only connect, but how?

Are our grown children our friends? Can they be our best friends? Not likely--there is an emotional component that bars the way. If a friend--best or otherwise--loses a job, gains too much weight, becomes ill, we'd worry about them and talk to them directly. "Are you OK?" we might ask. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

But such questions and concerns come freighted with other meanings when they're addressed to a grown child. That's a point Deborah Tannen makes in ter book, "You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation." While Tannen addresses herself to mother-daughter issues, much of what she has to say is true for any parent-child discourse--at least it is in our family.

Here's the point Tannen makes about the fundamental tension built into the conversation between parent and adult child, particularly when it comes ot advice or suggestions and the fine line between those and criticism:

"From the daughter's point of view, the person you most want to think you're perfect is the one most likely to see your faults--and tell you about them. From the mother's point of view, your job has always been to help and protect your daughter, give her guidance based on your greater experience, and ensure that all goes as well as it can for her. But any advice or suggestion you offer implies criticism, because someone who is doing nothing wrong does not need suggestions or advice."

Togetherness: Knowing When to Say No

My dentist has two sons: One lives nearby; the other half way across the country in Michigan. Every Christmas, the sons and their families come to her house for the holidays. This year, when she was discussing the holidays with her Michigan son, he brought up the question of travel. He didn't know what to do. He had a 3 year old and newborn. He didn't want to fly the crowded skies with two little ones. He was planning to drive--he usually did--but the newborn hated the infant car seat--he cried and cried whenever he was in it. The son didn't know how his family would get through the eight hour trip.

This is the dialogue that ensued [according to my dentist]. SHE: Son, don't come.  HE: But I don't want to disappoint you. SHE: We'll come to you the day after Christmas . HE: Oh Mom, that would be so wonderful.

Truth be told, my dentist told me [what could I say with all that dental gear in my mouth?], she didn't really want to make a big Christmas dinner for the family at her house. It's a lot of work. She hinted as much to her son who lives nearby. This son has five children. "We see them all the time," she said. "I suggested we just stop by their house on Christmas day. But he was so disappointed. The kids look forward to Christmas at grandma's house."

This time she did not say "dont' come."