Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Money Matters: It's okay to let your grown children treat you.

It was my birthday, and I was visiting Uber son and his family. My daughter-in-law proposed a lovely gift: A pedicure for two--me and my 7-year-old granddaughter. What a great idea. It would be her first. But my main thought was, how can I maneuver things so I pay for it. I didn't want my daughter-in-law to have to foot the bill. I didn't want to burden them with an additional charge. 

This was a little bit crazy on my part. They are, after all, on pretty firm ground financially--the double pedicure at a suburban strip mall outlet wasn't going to break the bank. So why couldn't I just sit back and enjoy?

I was finally forced to. When my daughter-in-law dropped us off for our pedicure, she pre-paid the bill. I'm glad I kept my "I want to pay" neurosis to myself. It was a perfect gift and a memorable experience to have this precious 7-year-old sitting with me while we picked out the nail polish color we'd try. We were going to do the same color so we had a lot of intense discussion about various shades of red and orange. We both dismissed the idea of blue or green. And then we sat side by side in big lounge chairs while we had our feet bathed and washed, our toe nails cut and polished. I could see how tentatively she sat on the edge of her chair, just a little bit worried about what was coming next. And I was able to sit right next to her, knowing I was right there to reassure her if something seemed strange or scary.

What a special gift. My grandchild and I still chat on the phone to compare nicks in our polish. And I've finally gotten over the feeling that my grown children shouldn't treat me. I was perpetuating an out-of-date reality--that they couldn't afford it. It's healthy for them to treat me. And it was wonderful gift for me--both the pedicure and the recognition that they were financial grown ups.

Share the Wealth: To help our children now or to leave a legacy later?

Paterfamilias and I have been incredibly lucky. We've had good jobs and rewarding careers--to the point where we have been able to set aside enough padding for our retirement--and a little bit more. It's that "little bit more" than wiggles and jiggles inside my brain and bank account.

If we have "a little bit more," why not share it with our grown children in the here and now? Not to spoil them but to step in when there's a crisis or a need. And to let hem know in advance that should they need help, we've got their back. If we can afford it. We see nothing wrong in that. But recently, I've been doing some research on the question and that has raised some doubts about how good a practice this is.

One book by a psychologist suggests that to keep on offering money both spoils grown children and infantilizes them. It's a way to control the kids by keeping the apron strings tied to money. He suggests we who offer cash are suffering from affluenza, that our financial parenting has run amok.

I took all that to heart, but then i read an online story that interviewed several psychologists who all tsk-tasked the idea of helping kids out with money. When questioned about their own personal practices, however, all admitted to being guilty of helping out or indulging their grown children.

is this a case where common sense and best psychiatric advice differ?

And does it all come down to what we're comfortable with, what makes sense for our particular children and their behavior. If they aren't dependent and don't make constant demands and suggest they expect your help indefinitely, then why not help out on an as-needed basis? Isn't this a case of no harm no foul?

Re-filing the Nest: An economist looks at the phenomenon

While families struggle with the financial and emotional impact of having grown children move back home--and take up residence in their old bedroom--there are some interesting macroeconomic effects.

Here's how a Mark Thoma, a well-respected economist, blogged about the implications of re-nesting. First he looks at a phenomenon he calls "Family as insurance:"

The parental home as unemployment insurance

"It is well known that in Spain and especially Italy, people in their twenties and even thirties stay with their parents until they find a job, and they often wait for the "perfect" job. This looks like an unemployment insurance with infinite duration with substantial moral hazard, which has lead to sky high youth unemployment rates in Europe.

Greg Kaplan is documenting that something similar is happening in the United States. ...many of those who do not attend college return home during unemployment spells, much like college students return home over the Summer. This analysis is very nicely done with an estimated structural model that features a repeated game between children and altruistic parents. In particular, this allows us to understand why the savings rate of young people is so low. As they have the option of returning to their parents, they see no need to build up any precautionary savings. This means also that programs like unemployment insurance have little impact for them."

Then Thoma comes up with his kicker: "Just thinking of all things parents do to provide the insurance, yet minimize the moral hazard problem. The last place I would have wanted to live at that age was with my parents, and I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual."

Boomerangers Move Back In: The New Yorker cover says it all

A picture is worth a 1,000-word posting. Amidst the joy and celebration of graduation time, the May 24 New Yorker cover has a message for all whose grown children are heading home after getting their higher-ed degrees. There he stands, the returning son, hanging his PhD diploma on the wall of his childhood bedroom wall--right near the rock n' roll poster and sports trophy. Note in lower left corner, the suitcase and in lower right, the box of college paraphernalia. While the magazine usually comes up with an archly clever title for its cover art, this one leans more to the simple and direct: "Boomerang Graduation."

Well, for those going through it, the cover art makes it clear: You are not alone. So does the Shouts & Murmurs column, "Your New College Graduate: A Parents' Guide"  Here's an excerpt:

"How do I teach my college graduate independence?

Good question! Experts have differing opinions on the subject. Some suggest a “firm” approach: assigning housework, banning marijuana, requesting politeness, etc. Others suggest a “liberal” approach: cooking and cleaning for them, praising their “poems,” etc. Unfortunately, neither approach works."

Money Matters: Helping kids with big purchases

When it comes to money, we're all over the place--tight-fisted to spendthrift; controlling to reckless; obsessed to careless. When it comes to our kids, it's even worse. It gets emotional, often reflecting where we've come from in our own lives.

Here's what I mean: A friend of a friend is a very successful and high-profile lawyer--a millionaire many time over with a big house and many expensive cars to his name. And he did it by himself: Started with almost nothing and slogged his way through to his current position of power and affluence. That, at least, is the routine he has always given his sons when he tells them he will not help them out financially--no loans to buy a car, a house or pay unexpected expenses. When they were heading to college, he insisted they work their way through. His message: They should work just as hard he did. He doesn't owe them anything.

This is not to suggest he isn't a loving father. But he draws a tight fiscal line and has yet to cross it. I've written before about those of us who prefer to use our hard-won money to help our kids out--to see them enjoy in the here and now the relief our money can bring. But we also have friends who say, we put our kids through college and that's it; we don't intend to help them with anything else--not that they can't afford it; it's a principle. It's an issue I've visited before on this blog.

It may get down to something as basic as our life experiences. If our parents were generous, we may have that model and want to be generous as well. Or, if our parents were fiscally restrained, we may decide we don't want to follow that path. Or perhaps they were generous to one of our siblings and that brother or sister squandered the money and our inheritance as well. We might want to be more cautious in the help we offer our children or the strings we attach to that help.

If you have the money to do help your grown children, where do you draw the line? Or are you all or nothing? Some things--help with paying off college loans, perhaps--but not others? And how do you come to your philosophy of giving?

Parenting Advice from Experts: Seven tips on getting along with your grown child

Sometimes our relationship with a grown child sours. Maybe it's just going through a bad patch right now; maybe it's part of a general downward spiral. There are always reasons for a deterioration. Some of them may stem from--or be exacerbated by--things you say or do that you may not realize are toxic. Here's a checklist of seven such hot buttons--complied by Dr. Joshua Coleman. He calls them "recommendations to decrease conflict and increase closeness with your adult child."

· Don't criticize their choice in romantic partners. You have raised your adult child to be independent, so don't assume that you know better about who they should be with.

· Don't criticize their parenting. Yes, you may have years of experience, but most people like to learn on their own and resent intrusions from the outside, especially from parents.

· Don't criticize their sexuality. This should go without saying, but we don't choose our sexuality, our sexuality chooses us. Criticizing something about your child that is part of his or her make-up is a guaranteed recipe for alienation.

· Don't guilt trip about their lack of involvement with you. Guilt increases distance and resentment.

· If you're going to say no to a request for money or some other form of support, do it with affection and not as a complaint or criticism.

· Take responsibility for mistakes you've made in the past.

· If your adult child has cut off contact, don't respond with retaliation. Work to understand why your child feels the way that he or she does. Assume that there are separate realities in every family and that your adult child has a legitimate perspective, even if it isn't obvious to you. Get a lot of support for the inevitable feelings of hurt, anger, guilt, or shame evoked by the alienation from your adult child.

Money Matters: Staying on the job to help the kids out

One friend is paying for her daughter's attempt to start a family through a surrogate pregnancy. The tab is high--$100,000 when all is said and done. Her husband is semi-retired and her daughter and son-in-law could never afford the tab. So she's continuing to work--"to pay the bill." At least, that what she says--that if she weren't paying for the surrogate's pregnancy and all the testing and medical procedures that were part of the pregnancy, she would retire--or work part time.

Another friend is also not retiring. Her son has a prestigious job--but the salary is not nearly as high as the job's profile. Maybe someday he can cash in on all that prestige. Meanwhile, the parents want to be sure there's the wherewithal to help out--when the son's roof needs repair, the basement floods, the grandkids' dental bills mount--without eating up their retirement savings. So they, too, are continuing to work--despite tempting thoughts of retiring to travel around the world.

Lots of us are doing the same thing--putting off retirement in order to have the cash to make life easier, better, more bearable for our children. Some of us are kidding ourselves that this is why we continue to work. A lot of us like working--like our jobs and the second family that work provides--or fear the loss of vitality that might come with retiring from the work force. We don't want to give it up, even if we are dog-tired weary by the end of the work week. While some of us continue to work "for our children," many times it's more of a mixed reason. What makes me nervous is any hint to the adult children that they are the reason we're still working. What a guilt trip that would lay down. And it might not even be true.

Granny as Nanny: Offering your services, even from a distance.

The magazine where I've spent the past 20 years of my career has been sold. The new owners have, as they say, brought on their own editorial team. In other words. my work-family of 20 years is no longer under one roof. So now I am free to spend more time on this blog (a plus) and to be available to help my grown children, who live in cities far from me, should they need it. This is the message I relayed to Alpha Daughter. To which she replied: "Well, I have a real problem with child-care coverage on Wednesday and Thursday. It would be wonderful if you could come up here from time to time to help out." I would pick up my little Grand at school, amuse her, get dinner ready--in other words, I would be a helpful, hands-on grandparent and parent.

It takes some recomputing on my part to figure out how this would work: Free to travel on a Wednesday and Thursday? I'm used to thinking Saturday and Sunday. But why not? "Have computer. Will travel. Can help out." That should be my new motto--if I can just wrap my mind and new reality around it.

Money Matters: When does the dependence of grown children end?

A friend tells me his friend's woes: She's a divorced divorce attorney with a small but steady practice. Her daughter has gone to New York City to pursue her dreams. She wants to be an interior designer--get right in there and help people decorate their homes. And she has a talent for it. Only trouble is, the daughter is 28 and has been in dream-pursuit for several years--without much luck. She has yet to land an entry level job with a design firm. The mother has been subsidizing her daughter--"paying a hell of a rent for a place in Hell's Kitchen," says my friend. The mother is feeling the pinch of supporting a second household--her practice is good but not that good. "At what point ," she asks, "do I just say no?"

My friend feels he's been approached because his lawyer friend, a single mom, is looking for a male point of view--women being "more nurturing and not as practical," he says. His practical point of view zeroes in on his own turmoil with his daughter, who is in her early 20s and still in undergraduate school, having transferred colleges and programs several times. Now she wants to spend her winter break in California--with his financial help. "I can't seem to get her to focus on the notion that the purpose of college is to help you become self-supporting," he says. "When I was her age I couldn't wait to take control of my life."

And that, he thinks, is at the core of some of the dependence that seems so prevalent today. His argument: We [our generation] couldn't wait to get a job and move out of our homes because there were so many restrictions on us. But kids today have so much freedom at home--free meals, free room and the freedom to have as guests in their bedroom anyone they want. "They can practically make love in the living room and no one would say a thing," he says. So, he asks, where's the urge to get out there in the real world and declare independence?

It's a theory worth thinking about. How comfortable are we making it for those who've filled our empty nest? Or are living in their own little nests on our dime. Do some of them need a tough-love push? Are we a little late in delivering a practical message?