Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

De-Nested: When adult kids move back home, politeness is strained.

I'm a sucker for a new phrase, especially when it captures the definition of the moment. Here's my most recent find: Economy of gratitude. It refers to the breakdown in the way we treat each other--we being the parents and ourr adult children who have moved back into the family nest. It's when family members notice only the inconveniences and ignore the nice things that we do for one another.

According to a recent story in the Los Angeles Times, that doesn't have to happen. "Children and parents can peacefully coexist by approaching the new living arrangement as they would if they were taking on any roommate: Agree in advance on how to handle household purchases, cleaning and other responsibilities. Resolve the question of who is in charge and how the house is to be governed, and the situation may not seem so bad after all."

The L.A. Times is covering the issue because California is one of the epicenters of the foreclosure crisis. One of the phenomenons of that tragedy is that people who are losing their homes or in danger of losing their homes, are bunking in together intergenerationally. That is, parents with children or children with parents. But that phenomenon is not limited to the usual--parents and their 20-something children. It involves older children. And here's why

An AARP study--released in September and reflecting 2007 foreclosure woes--found that more than a quarter of the foreclosures and delinquencies in the second half of 2007 involved homeowners ages 50 or older. SInce then there has been the calamity of the plunging stock market and the unraveling of the financial safety net for many midcareer Americans and their parents. No reliable figures yet exist on the number of adults forced to move in with parents because of the financial crises--or adult children moving in with their parents to help the parents--but it's clear this group consists of older, previously well-established homeowners.

The time are a changin' and it's not for the better.

Family Vacations: The discomforts of togetherness

Summer vacations are over but Thanksgiving is upon us. So I thought I'd share these notes I made when friends talked about their summer vacation with both their sons [neither of whom lives near them or each other] and all their grandchildren--six adults, five small children together in one large vacation house near the beach for a week.

SHE SAYS:

"There were many wonderful moments. There was so much interaction between the little kids. It was great to see them playing together. But...

"There were too damned many dynamics. My two daughters-in-law have never jelled. So they avoid each other. One harbors a lot of anger over her brother-in-law yelling at her a few years ago for something she said to me. She's never forgiven him so he withdraws when he's around her and I get upset about that.

"When they're around us, my sons regress in their behavior and slip back into old patterns. And if the little kids would have a fight, I would intervene and if I did on behalf of one son's kids, the other son would get upset with me as though I were siding with his brother.

"One of my son's and his wife are quite strict with their children. It isn't just discipline; they don't let them do anything out of their sight. They are very careful and cautious. My other son and his wife are looser. They give their kids a lot more leeway. So, when he and his wife disappear for a while and let their kids make their own lunch, play in the yard by themselves, my other son and his wife feel like they have to be responsible for their brother's kids. They end up making lunch for them, watching out for them. And that creates a lot of tension.

HE SAYS

"I enjoy having my sons around. They help me do things--like major repairs to the house. And I like both of my daughters-in-law. They're both very pleasant to me. But during most of the visit, I feel irrelevant. "

.....

For those of us whose children live in other cities far from us and from each other, we often make heroic efforts to bring everyone together--to rekindle that "ideal family" spirit; to make it possible for the little cousins to get to know each other, to enjoy seeing our children and their children have fun together. And then we either get caught in the middle of a resurgent sibling quarrel or, if they and their spouses are finally having a nice bonding moment, we feel totally left out.

Another friend rents a house for six weeks over the summer. Each of her sons comes to visit for a week of vacation with his family. Do they ever come at the same time? "Are you kidding?" she says. "They know better than that. The wives don't dislike each other but they don't particularly like each other either. The boys are brothers but they're not particularly close anymore. And, even more to the point, the young families have very different parenting styles. So serial visiting is the way we go."

Not that there are lessons to be learned here. Just the comfort of knowing we are not alone in struggling with the many dynamics--whatever they may be--when our intergenerational families get together.<

Have any of you found a way to get everyone together for holidays or vacations and still enjoy the togetherness?

Letting Go: Parenting styles for the ages

We've been through the basic steps of parenting--from being a caregiver for an infant, through manager of school-age kids and advisors to our older teens and young adults. Now, we're moving from consultants  to the final stage: colleagues to our mature, adult children. Sounds like the best of times but it's no easier than the first 18 years when they lived at home. A recent story goes through those stages and makes the point that what's good for one stage of parenting doesn't work so well for another. Let the parenting style fit the child's age.
So, what's a colleagues stage all about?

"This final phase of parenting," the article states, "recognizes that there comes a time when our grown children become friends as well as offspring. The unique relationship of parent and child never really ends. As our children join us in adulthood, however, they often begin to share common values, goals and experiences with us. These can be the foundation of a friendship that will be special to parent and child alike."

So far so good. Sounds like the ultimate goal of parenting. But, the writer warns, "Some parents are unable or unwilling to 'go with the flow'" ... It's the fit that's important."

And here's the final word:

"Letting go" of our children may be one of the most frightening things we ever do. Yet, it can be one of the most rewarding as well. Oh, and we will make mistakes. There is no doubt about that, either. What is important is that we learn from our mistakes."

The Good Guests: What to do when we're visitors in our child's home.

Those of us who have children living in other parts of the world--another country, another state--rub up against a special dilemma: Remembering that it's their home, not ours; that they set the "good housekeeping" rules. It's not easy since we make our presence felt whether we try to be low key or not.  Here are some highlights from an Ask Amy column that deals with the way at least one grown child views the visit.

"It is a very stressful time for me. They are not particularly good house guests"
"I find myself overly stressed and wishing the visit would end."
"I've thought that things might be better if they could stay at a hotel when they come. My mother thinks this is unheard of and I’m a horrible daughter for thinking of such a thing."

Ooooph. A pretty harsh view--and this is from a daughter who admits to loving her parents and wanting them to come visit. Personally, I always opt for the hotel alternative when possible. It's a real stress-breaker--for everyone, and that includes me. And you? What do you do to make multi-overnights more comfortable for everyone? Or don't you think there's a problem?

Meanwhile, here are some highlights from Amy's answer:

 "Tell your parents that while you love them dearly, you feel more at ease when you can manage your routine without needing to accommodate every minute of their routine."
"After you tell them, if they lay on the guilt trip, resist feeling guilty or apologetic. If they decide not to visit, resist feeling guilty or apologetic. Continue to be as loving and caring as you have in the past "

Communicating with the Kids: Times to keep your mouth shut--and times not to

There's a new book out on talking to your adult children--and the advice we all give each other to "keep your mouth shut." Ruth Nemzoff, a scholar at Brandeis University, pulls together her studies on the subject in "Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships With Your Adult Children."

Here's one of the points she makes in an interview:

"One of the most important factors in maintaining a healthy relationship with adult children is forgiving both yourself and your child for not being perfect. " And the definition of perfect changes daily, said Nemzoff. "One day it could mean being compassionate, and another day it could mean being high achieving with conflicting desires, so there is no perfection."

On the subject of grown kids moving back into the nest between school and job, she had this to say:

"Tell them what you expect, and invite your returning child to do the same. Agreeing together about the rules of the house before your adult child returns may be key to preventing every out-of-place coffee cup, shoe, or T-shirt from becoming a cue to reenact past dramas."

Ah the reenactment of things past. We all know we press certain emotional buttons when the kids come home, even when it's just for a visit. If only we knew what they were--as well as they do. I haven't read Nemzoff's book yet, but I will and will report back on some of her other insights.

Helicopter landings: Overprotecting adult children does not pay off

There's an interesting discussion on the perils and pitfalls of helicopter parenting--of the sour fruits parents reap when they don't let their grown children grow up and take care of themselves--at this web site. While many of us think of the moms as the overprotective parent, this is a story about a dad who does too much.
It reminds me of a dad I know who was having trouble letting go of a 29-year-old daughter. "I know she has to take off the water wings," he said, "but what if I'm not in the water to catch her."

here's a grab from the entry on jimsjourney.wordpress.com:
"His children were perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, but they didn’t have to do it.

I remember one day in particular that the man was more than a bit irritated; he had to go home and change the oil in his forty-year-old son’s car. On further questioning, the man revealed the true reason for his anger… the oil should have been changed weeks earlier.

The bottom line is that his children were only partially to blame. On the surface, it appeared they were taking advantage of Daddy. In truth, Daddy had a personality that needed to be needed."

Money Matters: Helping support a grown child

At last, a financial planner who isn't all bean-counter and estate-protector. There is, says Aaron Katsman, more to having an adult child move back home than rental agreements or fees for food. And more to providing them with a temporary stipend than a loan contract.

Keying in on the recent, economy-based phenomenon of older adult children--in their 30s and 40s--losing a job and either moving back home or needing significant financial assistance, he makes some points that struck a common-sense chord with me:

"Isn’t the point of having money, aside for trying to provide a comfortable lifestyle, to try and help out those less fortunate? Wouldn’t a struggling daughter fit that bill?"

"If parents are themselves stretched financially, they don’t have to actually shell out money for the child. Rather, they can provide a roof and help that way."

"Neither parents nor children view moving back home as a desirable outcome, but if left with no choice, would you actually refuse to support your child?"

You can read more on this blog, http://bizzywomen.com/

Re-Nesters: Moving back home and dating a jerk

Here's an interesting discussion about the pain a father feels about his daughter's boyfriend. She's moved back home and is involved with a man the father does not like. He sees the relationship as dysfunctional and possibly abusive.How hands-off should he be? What to do when your daughter is involved in a bad relationship that could either scar her emotionally or lead to a bad marriage.
Here's an edited version of what the "expert" had to say.

First, our grown children are responsible for their own lives. While it is easy for us to look over their shoulders and second-guess their choices, they are the ones responsible for their actions. Your daughter may, sadly, need to learn some difficult lessons before letting go of this destructive relationship.

Second, there may be more to your daughter’s relationship than meets the eye. Is it possible that her boyfriend has some wonderful traits that you’re overlooking? 

Third, destructive relationships can be very strong, in a negative way. It may take her hitting some kind of bottom before she lets go of him.

Fourth, since she is in your home, you still can set some limits on her. You have the right to determine such issues as curfew and behavior within the home. You should not be expected to tolerate any abusive behavior that occurs in your home, to you or to your daughter. Should your daughter fail to abide by your boundaries, you may have to ask her to leave.

Finally, don’t underestimate the power of setting a positive example for your daughter. As you exemplify a loving relationship between you and your wife, her mother, you provide a power example that will impact your daughter.