Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Money Matters: It's okay to let your grown children treat you.

It was my birthday, and I was visiting Uber son and his family. My daughter-in-law proposed a lovely gift: A pedicure for two--me and my 7-year-old granddaughter. What a great idea. It would be her first. But my main thought was, how can I maneuver things so I pay for it. I didn't want my daughter-in-law to have to foot the bill. I didn't want to burden them with an additional charge. 

This was a little bit crazy on my part. They are, after all, on pretty firm ground financially--the double pedicure at a suburban strip mall outlet wasn't going to break the bank. So why couldn't I just sit back and enjoy?

I was finally forced to. When my daughter-in-law dropped us off for our pedicure, she pre-paid the bill. I'm glad I kept my "I want to pay" neurosis to myself. It was a perfect gift and a memorable experience to have this precious 7-year-old sitting with me while we picked out the nail polish color we'd try. We were going to do the same color so we had a lot of intense discussion about various shades of red and orange. We both dismissed the idea of blue or green. And then we sat side by side in big lounge chairs while we had our feet bathed and washed, our toe nails cut and polished. I could see how tentatively she sat on the edge of her chair, just a little bit worried about what was coming next. And I was able to sit right next to her, knowing I was right there to reassure her if something seemed strange or scary.

What a special gift. My grandchild and I still chat on the phone to compare nicks in our polish. And I've finally gotten over the feeling that my grown children shouldn't treat me. I was perpetuating an out-of-date reality--that they couldn't afford it. It's healthy for them to treat me. And it was wonderful gift for me--both the pedicure and the recognition that they were financial grown ups.

Keep Your Mouth Shut: Rearing their children is their business.

Every piece of advice you've read tells you the same thing: Don't interfere with your grown children's parenting of their children. And we don't. But oh how close we can come to making the fatal error. It's tough to sit and watch discipline in action. This is especially true for those of us who live far from our grown children, as we do: Visits tend to be extended and you see too much--but don't know enough about what's been going on to put it in context.

This Thanksgiving, we hung around Uber son's house for four days, and on one of those days we were witness to a major meltdown: One of our grands lost a checker game to a sibling. There were tears and much unhappiness. The parents were adamant about imparting lessons about good sportsmanship and how important it is in life to know how to "take a punch" gracefully. This only seemed to produce more tears and wailing, followed by more chastising and lecturing. To us, the witnesses sitting idly by, it seemed like over-reaction on the parents part. It was uncomfortable and painful to sit there. And Paterfamilias is a lucky man. As he was about to open his mouth and intervene in defense of his Grand--a major no-no--I was able to clap a hand over his mouth--figuratively speaking. Even though I wanted to help put an end to it, too.

Of course, 10 minutes after the meltdown, all was well. The Grand was back in the room, laughing and talking and kidding around with us. And that's what we have to remember when we're tempted to "say something." We don't have the context of previous behavior or the knowledge about the consistency of discipline to balance out what we're hearing and seeing in the moment. Besides, our grown children may not know better about parenting than we do [look how successful we were!], but then again, maybe they do. Besides, it's their ball and their court.

Visiting Privileges: Put down that broom; don't lift that dust rag

A friend's daughter lives in London. She's gone and married a Britisher and has three sons--all of whom speak with a marked British accent. When she visits and they want their dessert, they ask, "May I have some pudding, please." Christopher Robin, where are you?

But I digress. On her most recent visit to her daughter, my friend, MaryEllen, was asked by the daughter to make her famous lamb dish--famous within the family and a favorite of the daughter's. Off to work went the daughter and son-in-law; off to school, accompanied by the nanny, went the children. There MaryEllen was, alone in a strange kitchen. She didn't know where things were kept but she did know she needed a big pot. So she looked in all the cabinets and finally found a big pot in a high-up cabinet. When she climbed up there to take it down, she noticed there was a lot of dust. Her first thought: Tell her daughter that the once-a-week housekeeper needed to clean up there. And when her daughter came home--the house sweetly perfumed by the lamb dish--that's what she started to say. But before she could get it all out, her daughter launched into an outburst: "Is this why you come to visit? To search around and find things that are wrong? Why don't you just stay home"--and lots of other words to that effect.

MaryEllen is not alone. Another friend, Cesar and Marcia, went to visit their daughter and her family in California. They stayed in their apartment, providing some babysitting for their grandchild. One evening, when guests were expected for dinner and the grown children were at work, Cesar took out the vacuum cleaner and started vacuuming. His son-in-law came home in the midst of the clean-up and started yelling at him--a diatribe similar to the one MaryEllen experienced. Only more shocking, since it wasn't his child who was lambasting him. It was his son-in-law.

We may think we're helping our children and their families--pointing out that the maid should dust a closet; cleaning up when guests are due--but whatever we're doing is implied criticism. We are not, in fact, minding our business. We're minding theirs. Only we just don't know when we are doing that and when we are actually being helpful.

 

Moving Home: The Boomerang kids return to the nest

This isn't the first time I've posted links to newspaper, magazine or blog items on how to handle a return to the nest. But it is the first time I've seen the topic covered at length by no less a media than the New York Times. In true Times tradition, "When Fledglings Return to the Nest" covers the basics thoroughly. Here are some highlights:

 Should you take them in:"Given your own economic circumstances, you may not be able to afford another mouth to feed. But if forcing children to live on their own may lead to a bigger bailout later, it may not be economically smart. Besides, having kids at home again may help you save money."

Should they pay rent? The issue "isn’t so much whether you charge. It’s why the child has moved home in the first place." The anecdotes in the article suggest that if the children aren't slackers--are just in a tough financial spot right now--you might want to forgo rent or charge a token fee, one that rises with time until it's close to market rate. One parent put it this way: “I’m aware of the circumstances where within the family there’s the proverbial 35-year-old living at home How does it get to the point where the child didn’t decide to move on? The bond between child and parent is so strong, it was easier for us in the abstract to say that this was the program.”

If they pay rent, should you refund it when they move on? While some parents see the rent as a real contribution to the household, others "consider it a reward for good financial behavior, or a leg up on a future down payment."

Should you give them financial advice? Tread carefully here. Use other sources--books, articles--as a referral on the topic. One parent suggests this mantra:  “When you have adult children, you cannot tell them what to do. You can only tell them what you’ll pay for. And if they don’t need you to pay for it, then you can only hope that they ask for your advice and take it.”

What if the stay is prolonged as a way for the child to save money for the future? "It may work best if the child works 80-hour weeks or travels constantly. It may help if the parents are gone most weekends, or if the child crashes at the home of a paramour frequently. It helps, too, to have no siblings underfoot and a bathroom (and better yet, an entrance) of one’s own. And, of course, the child needs to save the money as planned. If squabbles ensue, the child can always move out. But if everyone gets along, these children eventually move out with a big pile of money in the bank. And that safety net makes it more likely they will never again have to move back in with you."

Home for the Holidays: Being a good vistor or host

Whether your family comes to you or you go to them, the holidays--Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover, whatever--can be a strain on everyone. Setting aside the emotional pitfalls, there are also the day-to-day physical displeasures--beds to make, food to prepare, individual needs to cater to. That's what I found so helpful in this blog: It's full of simple ways to ease the hospitality issues.

One of the writer's ideas: keep little tote bags for each grandchild--or adult child. Fill it with special little things each one likes or needs (a wash cloth, slippers, favorite lotions; for little kids, crayons and a pad of paper.) On arrival day, put the tote on each child's bed, along with a towel, new box of tissues and a bottle of water. Repeat for each visit.

So simple. So welcoming. And so easy to do if it becomes a habit. I like it! I may even try it.

 

 

De-Nested: When adult kids move back home, politeness is strained.

I'm a sucker for a new phrase, especially when it captures the definition of the moment. Here's my most recent find: Economy of gratitude. It refers to the breakdown in the way we treat each other--we being the parents and ourr adult children who have moved back into the family nest. It's when family members notice only the inconveniences and ignore the nice things that we do for one another.

According to a recent story in the Los Angeles Times, that doesn't have to happen. "Children and parents can peacefully coexist by approaching the new living arrangement as they would if they were taking on any roommate: Agree in advance on how to handle household purchases, cleaning and other responsibilities. Resolve the question of who is in charge and how the house is to be governed, and the situation may not seem so bad after all."

The L.A. Times is covering the issue because California is one of the epicenters of the foreclosure crisis. One of the phenomenons of that tragedy is that people who are losing their homes or in danger of losing their homes, are bunking in together intergenerationally. That is, parents with children or children with parents. But that phenomenon is not limited to the usual--parents and their 20-something children. It involves older children. And here's why

An AARP study--released in September and reflecting 2007 foreclosure woes--found that more than a quarter of the foreclosures and delinquencies in the second half of 2007 involved homeowners ages 50 or older. SInce then there has been the calamity of the plunging stock market and the unraveling of the financial safety net for many midcareer Americans and their parents. No reliable figures yet exist on the number of adults forced to move in with parents because of the financial crises--or adult children moving in with their parents to help the parents--but it's clear this group consists of older, previously well-established homeowners.

The time are a changin' and it's not for the better.

Family Vacations: The discomforts of togetherness

Summer vacations are over but Thanksgiving is upon us. So I thought I'd share these notes I made when friends talked about their summer vacation with both their sons [neither of whom lives near them or each other] and all their grandchildren--six adults, five small children together in one large vacation house near the beach for a week.

SHE SAYS:

"There were many wonderful moments. There was so much interaction between the little kids. It was great to see them playing together. But...

"There were too damned many dynamics. My two daughters-in-law have never jelled. So they avoid each other. One harbors a lot of anger over her brother-in-law yelling at her a few years ago for something she said to me. She's never forgiven him so he withdraws when he's around her and I get upset about that.

"When they're around us, my sons regress in their behavior and slip back into old patterns. And if the little kids would have a fight, I would intervene and if I did on behalf of one son's kids, the other son would get upset with me as though I were siding with his brother.

"One of my son's and his wife are quite strict with their children. It isn't just discipline; they don't let them do anything out of their sight. They are very careful and cautious. My other son and his wife are looser. They give their kids a lot more leeway. So, when he and his wife disappear for a while and let their kids make their own lunch, play in the yard by themselves, my other son and his wife feel like they have to be responsible for their brother's kids. They end up making lunch for them, watching out for them. And that creates a lot of tension.

HE SAYS

"I enjoy having my sons around. They help me do things--like major repairs to the house. And I like both of my daughters-in-law. They're both very pleasant to me. But during most of the visit, I feel irrelevant. "

.....

For those of us whose children live in other cities far from us and from each other, we often make heroic efforts to bring everyone together--to rekindle that "ideal family" spirit; to make it possible for the little cousins to get to know each other, to enjoy seeing our children and their children have fun together. And then we either get caught in the middle of a resurgent sibling quarrel or, if they and their spouses are finally having a nice bonding moment, we feel totally left out.

Another friend rents a house for six weeks over the summer. Each of her sons comes to visit for a week of vacation with his family. Do they ever come at the same time? "Are you kidding?" she says. "They know better than that. The wives don't dislike each other but they don't particularly like each other either. The boys are brothers but they're not particularly close anymore. And, even more to the point, the young families have very different parenting styles. So serial visiting is the way we go."

Not that there are lessons to be learned here. Just the comfort of knowing we are not alone in struggling with the many dynamics--whatever they may be--when our intergenerational families get together.<

Have any of you found a way to get everyone together for holidays or vacations and still enjoy the togetherness?

Letting Go: Parenting styles for the ages

We've been through the basic steps of parenting--from being a caregiver for an infant, through manager of school-age kids and advisors to our older teens and young adults. Now, we're moving from consultants  to the final stage: colleagues to our mature, adult children. Sounds like the best of times but it's no easier than the first 18 years when they lived at home. A recent story goes through those stages and makes the point that what's good for one stage of parenting doesn't work so well for another. Let the parenting style fit the child's age.
So, what's a colleagues stage all about?

"This final phase of parenting," the article states, "recognizes that there comes a time when our grown children become friends as well as offspring. The unique relationship of parent and child never really ends. As our children join us in adulthood, however, they often begin to share common values, goals and experiences with us. These can be the foundation of a friendship that will be special to parent and child alike."

So far so good. Sounds like the ultimate goal of parenting. But, the writer warns, "Some parents are unable or unwilling to 'go with the flow'" ... It's the fit that's important."

And here's the final word:

"Letting go" of our children may be one of the most frightening things we ever do. Yet, it can be one of the most rewarding as well. Oh, and we will make mistakes. There is no doubt about that, either. What is important is that we learn from our mistakes."

The Good Guests: What to do when we're visitors in our child's home.

Those of us who have children living in other parts of the world--another country, another state--rub up against a special dilemma: Remembering that it's their home, not ours; that they set the "good housekeeping" rules. It's not easy since we make our presence felt whether we try to be low key or not.  Here are some highlights from an Ask Amy column that deals with the way at least one grown child views the visit.

"It is a very stressful time for me. They are not particularly good house guests"
"I find myself overly stressed and wishing the visit would end."
"I've thought that things might be better if they could stay at a hotel when they come. My mother thinks this is unheard of and I’m a horrible daughter for thinking of such a thing."

Ooooph. A pretty harsh view--and this is from a daughter who admits to loving her parents and wanting them to come visit. Personally, I always opt for the hotel alternative when possible. It's a real stress-breaker--for everyone, and that includes me. And you? What do you do to make multi-overnights more comfortable for everyone? Or don't you think there's a problem?

Meanwhile, here are some highlights from Amy's answer:

 "Tell your parents that while you love them dearly, you feel more at ease when you can manage your routine without needing to accommodate every minute of their routine."
"After you tell them, if they lay on the guilt trip, resist feeling guilty or apologetic. If they decide not to visit, resist feeling guilty or apologetic. Continue to be as loving and caring as you have in the past "

Communicating with the Kids: Times to keep your mouth shut--and times not to

There's a new book out on talking to your adult children--and the advice we all give each other to "keep your mouth shut." Ruth Nemzoff, a scholar at Brandeis University, pulls together her studies on the subject in "Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships With Your Adult Children."

Here's one of the points she makes in an interview:

"One of the most important factors in maintaining a healthy relationship with adult children is forgiving both yourself and your child for not being perfect. " And the definition of perfect changes daily, said Nemzoff. "One day it could mean being compassionate, and another day it could mean being high achieving with conflicting desires, so there is no perfection."

On the subject of grown kids moving back into the nest between school and job, she had this to say:

"Tell them what you expect, and invite your returning child to do the same. Agreeing together about the rules of the house before your adult child returns may be key to preventing every out-of-place coffee cup, shoe, or T-shirt from becoming a cue to reenact past dramas."

Ah the reenactment of things past. We all know we press certain emotional buttons when the kids come home, even when it's just for a visit. If only we knew what they were--as well as they do. I haven't read Nemzoff's book yet, but I will and will report back on some of her other insights.