Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Moving Home: The Boomerang kids return to the nest

This isn't the first time I've posted links to newspaper, magazine or blog items on how to handle a return to the nest. But it is the first time I've seen the topic covered at length by no less a media than the New York Times. In true Times tradition, "When Fledglings Return to the Nest" covers the basics thoroughly. Here are some highlights:

 Should you take them in:"Given your own economic circumstances, you may not be able to afford another mouth to feed. But if forcing children to live on their own may lead to a bigger bailout later, it may not be economically smart. Besides, having kids at home again may help you save money."

Should they pay rent? The issue "isn’t so much whether you charge. It’s why the child has moved home in the first place." The anecdotes in the article suggest that if the children aren't slackers--are just in a tough financial spot right now--you might want to forgo rent or charge a token fee, one that rises with time until it's close to market rate. One parent put it this way: “I’m aware of the circumstances where within the family there’s the proverbial 35-year-old living at home How does it get to the point where the child didn’t decide to move on? The bond between child and parent is so strong, it was easier for us in the abstract to say that this was the program.”

If they pay rent, should you refund it when they move on? While some parents see the rent as a real contribution to the household, others "consider it a reward for good financial behavior, or a leg up on a future down payment."

Should you give them financial advice? Tread carefully here. Use other sources--books, articles--as a referral on the topic. One parent suggests this mantra:  “When you have adult children, you cannot tell them what to do. You can only tell them what you’ll pay for. And if they don’t need you to pay for it, then you can only hope that they ask for your advice and take it.”

What if the stay is prolonged as a way for the child to save money for the future? "It may work best if the child works 80-hour weeks or travels constantly. It may help if the parents are gone most weekends, or if the child crashes at the home of a paramour frequently. It helps, too, to have no siblings underfoot and a bathroom (and better yet, an entrance) of one’s own. And, of course, the child needs to save the money as planned. If squabbles ensue, the child can always move out. But if everyone gets along, these children eventually move out with a big pile of money in the bank. And that safety net makes it more likely they will never again have to move back in with you."

Money Matters: An Aussie take on what we can afford to give our adult kids

The economic retrenchment is, as we know, global. We aren't the only families having to pull back financially, and that includes support for our grown children--be it paying off a college debt or helping with the down payment on a house. A report out of Australia mirrors what many here are experiencing.
Evidently, the hard times down under are silencing the peal of wedding bells. Here are some highlights from a report by the St George Bank:

Generation Y expects parents to help pay for weddings, house deposits and education fees, but concerns over retirement and debt have taken priority for most mums and dads.

70 per cent of baby boomers believe the global financial crisis has seen their assets shrink in value, and 71 per cent are now concerned about their financial health. As a result, only 6 per cent of parents rate providing financial assistance to their adult offspring as a top priority.

Almost half of those parents with adult children said they were focused on saving, either for retirement (25 per cent) or other future expenses (24 per cent).

Another 41 per cent favored paying off debt, either their credit card (24 per cent) or mortgage (17 per cent), the survey showed.

Bottom line: “Circumstances have changed for many and it’s understandable that parents are now having to focus on their own needs and financial health,"a general manager of the bank said. “As a result, when it comes to paying for things like weddings, first home deposits, overseas travel and childcare, many Gen Ys must now stand on their own two feet.”

Refilling the Nest: Economic woes bring older adult children home

The latest census report and a couple of surveys hold some startling statistics for those of us with adult children: They are moving back home in force. And at mid-career--or older.

Here are the numbers, starting with the younger ones:

According to the most recent Census report, there were 5.1 million Americans age 25 to 34 living in the home of a parent. In 2004, there were only 4.3 million doing so.

When AARP surveyed 1,000 adults this spring, it found that 11 percent of people between ages 35 and 44 were living with parents or in-laws.

A recent survey by grandparents.com of 4,800 grandparents found 12.5 percent reporting that they lived in the same home as their grandchildren; of those, 53 percent said that the adult children and grandchildren who lived with them could not afford to live independently.

And the trend is likely to keep going as this deep recession just begins to hit bottom. These stats and some human interest stories to go with them are in this story from the New York Times.

Returning to the Nest: Do you still have to wash their socks?

They're moving home again. Sixty percent of young adults move back home--staying for no one knows how long.  The rules of the house that worked so well when they were youngsters don't quite apply now. So how do you work things out? Do you ask them to pay rent, lay down cleaning and cooking rules? Do you still wash their socks?

I found some pointers recently on how to manage the move-back so that everyone remains on speaking and civil-living terms. The advice sheet notes that happy “re-filled" families tend to have several things in common. Here they are in brief:

Set limits: Talk about how long the live-in arrangement will be: three weeks, three months, a year? And define mutual expectations for house rules and responsibilities.

Set Goals: Talk frankly about the reasons, financial or otherwise, behind this new living arrangement, and lay plans for the transition back to independence.

Discuss Rent: Some families start at one rate. Then, as an incentive for their child to move out, they raise the monthly rent a predetermined amount as the months tick by. Others charge rent, but set the money aside and present it as a nest egg when their child is ready to move on.

Set Chores: Whether it’s in lieu of rent or in addition, include household chores--making dinner twice a week, for example, buying groceries, doing laundry or yard work.

Discuss Guests and Booze: It's unrealistic to set curfews for a fully-grown, independent adult, but you can discuss and agree on a set of household rules, particularly on hot-button issues such as late night or overnight guests, relationships, and alcohol or other substance issues.

Make a Contract: Whatever the plan, whether it’s rent, chores or household rules, spell it out beforehand and put it in writing.

Money Matters: Having less for the Little Ones (who are now big)

I don't mean to be repetitious. It's just that the reality is all around us and everyone is feeling it: $3 trillion has seeped out and disappeared fromour 401ks and other savings or retirement accounts. For many of us, that loss wipes out money we had hoped would cover a downpayment for our kids' first house, their college or graduate school tuition, or tide-over money while they made their way through grad school or their first (low-paying) job. And, of course, our kids are scrambling to stay on their feet, knowing the safety net they had assumed was there is, well, not.

Not a good feeling. Here's a little statistical meat to back that up: 

Stat one: Nearly a decade ago, the Center on Wealth and Philanthropy estimated that the U.S. was on the verge of the largest inter-generational wealth transfer in history—$41 trillion, with about half if that dough being passed on while the benefactors were still alive.

Stat two: A recent Boston College study estimates that as many as 30 percent of older households are less secure in retirement as a result of the decline in housing values.

The disappearance of a sizable chunk of our generation’s money and security has left many of us resetting priorities--particularly when it comes to spending. Vacations are the first thing that seems to get downgraded. One friend reports: We've canceled the three-week trip to India; we're renting a beach house and inviting the grown kids to join us. We hope they'll suggest chipping in. We'll take them up on it if they do. 

What sort of trade-offs or steps are you taking to adjust to recent losses and keep what's left of your nest egg in tact? Have you changed your retirement plans? Travel plans? Spending patterns? Has it affected your ability to help your kids?

Not happy thoughts. But sharing ideas can help.

Money Matters: When the kids face foreclosure

To lend or not to lend when your grown children face losing their home. Not an easy call--especially if your own fiscal well being is greatly diminished. Here's some general advice on the subject from a Washington Post columnist Michelle Singletary. Singletary is answering a question posed by a sister about saving her brother's house when the brother is an undisciplined spender:

"If you ask someone to use a cash gift in a certain way, such as for college tuition or catching up on a mortgage, the recipient should honor your request to the best of their ability. However, once you extend a gift, the money or item is no longer yours to control. You have to leave it to the person's conscience to do the right thing.

"Before giving someone thousands of dollars to save a home, you should ask to see a written budget and the underlying documentation, such as pay stubs, bills, etc. Yes, this is an intrusive demand. Yes, the person or couple might balk, refuse or even cuss you out.

"But if people are asking for a significant amount of money, they need to prove to you that your money won't be wasted. They need to prove their financial situation has improved. Or they need to demonstrate they are becoming better money managers. Otherwise if you bail them out, and a few months later they are behind again on their mortgage and the lender forecloses anyway, you've done what your mama told you never to do -- throw good money after bad.

"If you're not equipped to help someone establish a budget, then require that the person see a qualified credit counselor. Send the person or couple to DebtAdvice.org or call 1-800-388-2227. DebtAdvice.org is a service provided by the members of the National Foundation for Credit Counseling."

"Even if a friend or family member's foreclosure is looming, don't let that person's desperation result in your giving money that in the end will just postpone the inevitable. Help if you can, but in a way that means your generosity won't be in vain. "

Re-Nesting: It's hard on the grown kids, too

We all talk about how hard it is on us when the kids move back home. And it is. The loss of privacy. The noise. The eating habits. The hours they keep. But here's a reminder that it's hard on them, too.

These are words of self-awareness written to give the grown children some perspective:

"The housing market is drawing some families together, but challenges include lifestyle differences, generational differences, depression, money squabbles and other issues when relatives huddle together for economic relief. Moving in with relatives can be demoralizing, humbling, dehumanizing--even though a growing number of people don’t have a lot of choice. “You lose that sense of independence, privacy and self-esteem,” he says. “You lose somewhat of your identity."  [written by Nicholas Aretakis, a career coach and author of No More Ramen: The 20-Something’s Real World Survival Guide]

Something to remember when those moved-back-home kids are particularly annoying.

Money Matters: The costs of re-nesting

We are living through difficult times--kids  moving back home not just because they're out of college and haven't figured out what they'll do. It's more serious now: Our grown children are losing their jobs, or we're losing ours. Consolidated households are one answer. On her site, Linda Pogue  blogs about some of the hidden costs of having the kids move back home.

Some highlights:
Grocery is the biggest expense increase, followed by water consumption (more dishes and clothes to wash, more people bathing and flushing toilets), electric bill increase due to more lights, TVs, computers, etc., in use, and more paper products--toilet paper and paper towels, primarily. While none of these expenses, except perhaps groceries, will increase an exorbitant amount, there will be enough that it can financially undermine the parents allowing grown children's families to move into their home.

Check out her blog for observations on how to negotiate the issues, with this in mind: Do it upfront to keep peace in the put-back-together household, especially if grandchildren are part of the bargain. Her advice is written for the adult kids who are moving back in with us. But one key point she makes to these adult children really hits home: "If you do not want your parents correcting your children, be sure that you do it yourself. Just understand that as long as you are in their home, they may feel they have the right to correct your children, especially if you do not."

Amen. It's a lot easier to hold off on the "corrections" when you're only there for a brief visit. It's another when you're all living together.  It's an issue that needs to be addressed at our end as well.

Re-Nesting: Moving home--to help us out

Here's a twist on refilling the empty nest. In these tough economic times, families are piling in together to cut costs, but it isn't always kids moving back to have mom and dad help them out. The kids may move back in to help out with the parent's rent. Here's the recent story:

"Last year, Kanessa Tixe’s dad had just finished building a three-family house when he lost his superintendent job in February. He wasn’t sure how to make the $5,000-a-month mortgage on the new house in Queens, N.Y.

So Tixe and her siblings decided to help out in an unusual way: They moved in. In December, her father moved into the first floor; her stepsister and husband moved into the second floor; and her stepbrother and Tixe took the third floor. The entire family has become roommates, banding together to pay rent and help their dad with the mortgage until he finds long-term tenants."

Sign of the times?

Here are the stats to watch: According to the U.S. Census Bureau, In 1915, the average number of people sharing a home, including parents, offspring, and “extended squatters,” was 4.5. By 2006, that number had shrunk by nearly half to 2.6. By 2010--who can say what that number will be. And how many of us will be inviting our kids home to help out with the overhead.

De-Nested: When adult kids move back home, politeness is strained.

I'm a sucker for a new phrase, especially when it captures the definition of the moment. Here's my most recent find: Economy of gratitude. It refers to the breakdown in the way we treat each other--we being the parents and ourr adult children who have moved back into the family nest. It's when family members notice only the inconveniences and ignore the nice things that we do for one another.

According to a recent story in the Los Angeles Times, that doesn't have to happen. "Children and parents can peacefully coexist by approaching the new living arrangement as they would if they were taking on any roommate: Agree in advance on how to handle household purchases, cleaning and other responsibilities. Resolve the question of who is in charge and how the house is to be governed, and the situation may not seem so bad after all."

The L.A. Times is covering the issue because California is one of the epicenters of the foreclosure crisis. One of the phenomenons of that tragedy is that people who are losing their homes or in danger of losing their homes, are bunking in together intergenerationally. That is, parents with children or children with parents. But that phenomenon is not limited to the usual--parents and their 20-something children. It involves older children. And here's why

An AARP study--released in September and reflecting 2007 foreclosure woes--found that more than a quarter of the foreclosures and delinquencies in the second half of 2007 involved homeowners ages 50 or older. SInce then there has been the calamity of the plunging stock market and the unraveling of the financial safety net for many midcareer Americans and their parents. No reliable figures yet exist on the number of adults forced to move in with parents because of the financial crises--or adult children moving in with their parents to help the parents--but it's clear this group consists of older, previously well-established homeowners.

The time are a changin' and it's not for the better.