Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Your Child's Ex: Don't get too attached

Lesson learned the hard way: Get attached to your child's boyfriend or girlfriend at your peril. They break up and you're left feeling the loss. Until they are an official part of the family, keep your emotional distance.

Many of us have been through it. A recent Carolyn Hax column was from a woman who not only grieved for the loss of the daughter's boyfriend, but for his dog as well. "My whole family welcomed him as one of our own," she writes. Then the daughter broke up the romance. Now, the writer says, "I have lost a big chunk of my heart. I was very close to the dog; he spent weekends with me when my daughter and her boyfriend did things together." She is disappointed in her daughter's decision--the couple seemed so right for each other--and she would like to see the dog, and the boyfriend as well.

Life is full of disappointments, and it hurts to get caught up in the grief of a breakup. It's so easy to say, keep your distance but what to do when the young couple spend time with you, move in together and make you part of their lives--then their relationship implodes. You're supposedly "safe" if  you get attached to a son- or daughter-in-law, but marriages implode as well. And if a couple lives together, how different is that from a marriage, in terms of the bonds you may form?

Well, sad as it is and good advice that the warnings are, the important lesson many of us have learned is to keep the sadness to ourselves and not do anything--like visit the dog or the boyfriend--that would alienate your child. Grown children do not take kindly to a parent undermining a big and very personal decision. Even an innocent remark in passing--"Johnny was such a nice guy" "Cindy was such a good cook" "Tiger was the sweetest cat"--can be construed as a critique of their judgment. Even a year or two later. 

Re-Nesting: What's driving them home?

The latest stats are not out yet--the census moves slowly--but it will doubtless show that this Great Recession has created a migration of sorts: adult children moving back home. In 1970, less than 8 percent of adult children between the ages of 25 to 34 lived with parents. By 2000, that percent was at 10.5. By 2010, the percent will be larger. The census suggests that there will be more than 80 million parents of grown children who have one of those children living home again.

What’s driving adult kids back home? Difficulties finding a job, decision to go back to school [graduate degree, anyone?]. Then there's foreclosures and housing prices. Besides the economic reasons, there are the age-old ones--protective parents and kids who've learned to love the comforts of being taken care of.

In today's world, financial pressures have to top the list. But there's also a need for a safe haven during a divorce. And, the grown kids may move back home to help out their aging parents.

If you're looking for practical advice on what to do if the boomerang happens to you, try this Web site. The bottom line on the author's advice: "Remember to treat your boomerang kids as adults. Making life easier on grown kids who live at home by doing their laundry

, cleaning their rooms, etc. can hurt them in the long run by delaying their transition into responsible, independent adulthood."

Money Matters: What happens when you can no longer help your kids?

A friend tells me this story: His friends--a couple who retired last year--have a son living in Florida. He was in the construction business but Florida's economy--and particularly the home building business--is in the tank right now. Long story short: The son lost his job. The parents, who had done well during their working years--have been paying his mortgage so he won't lose his home. But their 401k took quite a hit in the Great Recession. Their investment income is down. And now they are talking to their son about how he might have to let his house go.

It's a painful conversation to have. Many of us who built up comfortable nest eggs during our working years are feeling pressed to have the kind of retirement we thought we'd have. But this takes that worry up a notch: What happens when our children run into trouble? Many of us have always assumed--not necessarily articulated but it was there in the back of our minds--that we'd be able to help our kids through tough times. But now the tough times are prolonged and the foreclosure problem deep. For many of us and for many of our kids, there's no relief in sight yet. At what point do we say, 'Sorry. We can't help anymore.' And not be crushed by it.

When the grown kids move back home: Here are some survival tips.

The economy's been brutal, and especially so on the generation that's just getting started on its careers and on those the next rung or two up. We who have retired or are close to doing so are probably in better shape--despite losses in the 401k. So it's not surprising that a recent poll by Grandparents.com finds we are the well-tapped Bank of Mum and Dad. Three-fifths of 10,000 recently surveyed grandparents said they have been providing some sort of financial support to their grown kids and grandkids in the last 12 months.

For some, that helps includes housing: the adult children move back in, some with their kids. Whatever the arrangement, financial advisers say parents need to take steps to protect their own finances, such as making sure their homeowners and auto insurance will cover the adult children and even grandchildren that are now in residence.

For more tips, check out these ideas from the experts. Here's a shortened form of the tips that go beyond the usual.

Avoid reverting to decades-old behavior, from when the adult children were still teenagers, when it comes to bill paying.

As emotional and relationship issues collide with financial issues, the older parents need to be wise and cautious. At the same time, they can demand that their adult children share personal financial information.They don't have to share theirs.

Older parents should try to keep a budget while their adult kids are back at home so that they can avoid going too heavy on withdrawals from retirement accounts"Just give kids a place to stay and help them until they get back on their feet." one expert says. "They just need to have a reasonable lifestyle."

Retirement funds should be kept separate from funds used to run the household.

If you were planning to give gifts anyway, don't be afraid to spend money on them now. It just means you'll leave less in your will or give smaller presents in the future.

While older parents are the executives of the household, rules--about buying food using the phone or computer--should be crafted together.

Re-Nesting: Advice on the move back home

If your grown children and their children are moving back home--out of economic necessity or for a temporary but long-term visit--there are lots of challenges ahead. Here's a blog that's detailing how one family is working things out. I like the tone of it. Here's part of an opener to one recent entry:

"When you invite your children to come back home for whatever reason (in this case a bad housing market) you can’t make them feel as if they are imposing.  It is very important to let them know that this is their home now also.  With a few simple ground rules laid out in advance, everyone can feel comfortable."

If you're interested in reading more, click here

Moving Home: The Boomerang kids return to the nest

This isn't the first time I've posted links to newspaper, magazine or blog items on how to handle a return to the nest. But it is the first time I've seen the topic covered at length by no less a media than the New York Times. In true Times tradition, "When Fledglings Return to the Nest" covers the basics thoroughly. Here are some highlights:

 Should you take them in:"Given your own economic circumstances, you may not be able to afford another mouth to feed. But if forcing children to live on their own may lead to a bigger bailout later, it may not be economically smart. Besides, having kids at home again may help you save money."

Should they pay rent? The issue "isn’t so much whether you charge. It’s why the child has moved home in the first place." The anecdotes in the article suggest that if the children aren't slackers--are just in a tough financial spot right now--you might want to forgo rent or charge a token fee, one that rises with time until it's close to market rate. One parent put it this way: “I’m aware of the circumstances where within the family there’s the proverbial 35-year-old living at home How does it get to the point where the child didn’t decide to move on? The bond between child and parent is so strong, it was easier for us in the abstract to say that this was the program.”

If they pay rent, should you refund it when they move on? While some parents see the rent as a real contribution to the household, others "consider it a reward for good financial behavior, or a leg up on a future down payment."

Should you give them financial advice? Tread carefully here. Use other sources--books, articles--as a referral on the topic. One parent suggests this mantra:  “When you have adult children, you cannot tell them what to do. You can only tell them what you’ll pay for. And if they don’t need you to pay for it, then you can only hope that they ask for your advice and take it.”

What if the stay is prolonged as a way for the child to save money for the future? "It may work best if the child works 80-hour weeks or travels constantly. It may help if the parents are gone most weekends, or if the child crashes at the home of a paramour frequently. It helps, too, to have no siblings underfoot and a bathroom (and better yet, an entrance) of one’s own. And, of course, the child needs to save the money as planned. If squabbles ensue, the child can always move out. But if everyone gets along, these children eventually move out with a big pile of money in the bank. And that safety net makes it more likely they will never again have to move back in with you."

Money Matters: An Aussie take on what we can afford to give our adult kids

The economic retrenchment is, as we know, global. We aren't the only families having to pull back financially, and that includes support for our grown children--be it paying off a college debt or helping with the down payment on a house. A report out of Australia mirrors what many here are experiencing.
Evidently, the hard times down under are silencing the peal of wedding bells. Here are some highlights from a report by the St George Bank:

Generation Y expects parents to help pay for weddings, house deposits and education fees, but concerns over retirement and debt have taken priority for most mums and dads.

70 per cent of baby boomers believe the global financial crisis has seen their assets shrink in value, and 71 per cent are now concerned about their financial health. As a result, only 6 per cent of parents rate providing financial assistance to their adult offspring as a top priority.

Almost half of those parents with adult children said they were focused on saving, either for retirement (25 per cent) or other future expenses (24 per cent).

Another 41 per cent favored paying off debt, either their credit card (24 per cent) or mortgage (17 per cent), the survey showed.

Bottom line: “Circumstances have changed for many and it’s understandable that parents are now having to focus on their own needs and financial health,"a general manager of the bank said. “As a result, when it comes to paying for things like weddings, first home deposits, overseas travel and childcare, many Gen Ys must now stand on their own two feet.”

Refilling the Nest: Economic woes bring older adult children home

The latest census report and a couple of surveys hold some startling statistics for those of us with adult children: They are moving back home in force. And at mid-career--or older.

Here are the numbers, starting with the younger ones:

According to the most recent Census report, there were 5.1 million Americans age 25 to 34 living in the home of a parent. In 2004, there were only 4.3 million doing so.

When AARP surveyed 1,000 adults this spring, it found that 11 percent of people between ages 35 and 44 were living with parents or in-laws.

A recent survey by grandparents.com of 4,800 grandparents found 12.5 percent reporting that they lived in the same home as their grandchildren; of those, 53 percent said that the adult children and grandchildren who lived with them could not afford to live independently.

And the trend is likely to keep going as this deep recession just begins to hit bottom. These stats and some human interest stories to go with them are in this story from the New York Times.

Returning to the Nest: Do you still have to wash their socks?

They're moving home again. Sixty percent of young adults move back home--staying for no one knows how long.  The rules of the house that worked so well when they were youngsters don't quite apply now. So how do you work things out? Do you ask them to pay rent, lay down cleaning and cooking rules? Do you still wash their socks?

I found some pointers recently on how to manage the move-back so that everyone remains on speaking and civil-living terms. The advice sheet notes that happy “re-filled" families tend to have several things in common. Here they are in brief:

Set limits: Talk about how long the live-in arrangement will be: three weeks, three months, a year? And define mutual expectations for house rules and responsibilities.

Set Goals: Talk frankly about the reasons, financial or otherwise, behind this new living arrangement, and lay plans for the transition back to independence.

Discuss Rent: Some families start at one rate. Then, as an incentive for their child to move out, they raise the monthly rent a predetermined amount as the months tick by. Others charge rent, but set the money aside and present it as a nest egg when their child is ready to move on.

Set Chores: Whether it’s in lieu of rent or in addition, include household chores--making dinner twice a week, for example, buying groceries, doing laundry or yard work.

Discuss Guests and Booze: It's unrealistic to set curfews for a fully-grown, independent adult, but you can discuss and agree on a set of household rules, particularly on hot-button issues such as late night or overnight guests, relationships, and alcohol or other substance issues.

Make a Contract: Whatever the plan, whether it’s rent, chores or household rules, spell it out beforehand and put it in writing.

Money Matters: Having less for the Little Ones (who are now big)

I don't mean to be repetitious. It's just that the reality is all around us and everyone is feeling it: $3 trillion has seeped out and disappeared fromour 401ks and other savings or retirement accounts. For many of us, that loss wipes out money we had hoped would cover a downpayment for our kids' first house, their college or graduate school tuition, or tide-over money while they made their way through grad school or their first (low-paying) job. And, of course, our kids are scrambling to stay on their feet, knowing the safety net they had assumed was there is, well, not.

Not a good feeling. Here's a little statistical meat to back that up: 

Stat one: Nearly a decade ago, the Center on Wealth and Philanthropy estimated that the U.S. was on the verge of the largest inter-generational wealth transfer in history—$41 trillion, with about half if that dough being passed on while the benefactors were still alive.

Stat two: A recent Boston College study estimates that as many as 30 percent of older households are less secure in retirement as a result of the decline in housing values.

The disappearance of a sizable chunk of our generation’s money and security has left many of us resetting priorities--particularly when it comes to spending. Vacations are the first thing that seems to get downgraded. One friend reports: We've canceled the three-week trip to India; we're renting a beach house and inviting the grown kids to join us. We hope they'll suggest chipping in. We'll take them up on it if they do. 

What sort of trade-offs or steps are you taking to adjust to recent losses and keep what's left of your nest egg in tact? Have you changed your retirement plans? Travel plans? Spending patterns? Has it affected your ability to help your kids?

Not happy thoughts. But sharing ideas can help.