Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

De-Nested: When adult kids move back home, politeness is strained.

I'm a sucker for a new phrase, especially when it captures the definition of the moment. Here's my most recent find: Economy of gratitude. It refers to the breakdown in the way we treat each other--we being the parents and ourr adult children who have moved back into the family nest. It's when family members notice only the inconveniences and ignore the nice things that we do for one another.

According to a recent story in the Los Angeles Times, that doesn't have to happen. "Children and parents can peacefully coexist by approaching the new living arrangement as they would if they were taking on any roommate: Agree in advance on how to handle household purchases, cleaning and other responsibilities. Resolve the question of who is in charge and how the house is to be governed, and the situation may not seem so bad after all."

The L.A. Times is covering the issue because California is one of the epicenters of the foreclosure crisis. One of the phenomenons of that tragedy is that people who are losing their homes or in danger of losing their homes, are bunking in together intergenerationally. That is, parents with children or children with parents. But that phenomenon is not limited to the usual--parents and their 20-something children. It involves older children. And here's why

An AARP study--released in September and reflecting 2007 foreclosure woes--found that more than a quarter of the foreclosures and delinquencies in the second half of 2007 involved homeowners ages 50 or older. SInce then there has been the calamity of the plunging stock market and the unraveling of the financial safety net for many midcareer Americans and their parents. No reliable figures yet exist on the number of adults forced to move in with parents because of the financial crises--or adult children moving in with their parents to help the parents--but it's clear this group consists of older, previously well-established homeowners.

The time are a changin' and it's not for the better.

The Good Guests: What to do when we're visitors in our child's home.

Those of us who have children living in other parts of the world--another country, another state--rub up against a special dilemma: Remembering that it's their home, not ours; that they set the "good housekeeping" rules. It's not easy since we make our presence felt whether we try to be low key or not.  Here are some highlights from an Ask Amy column that deals with the way at least one grown child views the visit.

"It is a very stressful time for me. They are not particularly good house guests"
"I find myself overly stressed and wishing the visit would end."
"I've thought that things might be better if they could stay at a hotel when they come. My mother thinks this is unheard of and I’m a horrible daughter for thinking of such a thing."

Ooooph. A pretty harsh view--and this is from a daughter who admits to loving her parents and wanting them to come visit. Personally, I always opt for the hotel alternative when possible. It's a real stress-breaker--for everyone, and that includes me. And you? What do you do to make multi-overnights more comfortable for everyone? Or don't you think there's a problem?

Meanwhile, here are some highlights from Amy's answer:

 "Tell your parents that while you love them dearly, you feel more at ease when you can manage your routine without needing to accommodate every minute of their routine."
"After you tell them, if they lay on the guilt trip, resist feeling guilty or apologetic. If they decide not to visit, resist feeling guilty or apologetic. Continue to be as loving and caring as you have in the past "

Re-Nesting: To have or have not a contract with your adult children

Parents of 20-somethings--especially recent college graduates--are experiencing a steady march of children returning to the nest. It's a hostile economy out there: difficult job market; horrendous credit crunch; rising prices for everything. And it's not just the 20-somethings, as the reports noted in earlier blog entries make clear. But all that raises the question of what sort of rules should parents set when the kids come back to the nest.
An interesting discussion of the issue is in a recent College Times story:

Written contract or no?  "Experts say there is no right answer because the dynamics of each family are different." That said, CT's experts say, it's important "to have a plan, preferably in writing, that spells out the new relationship. It can be as simple as a contribution toward household expenses, or it can be chapter and verse, but the reunited family needs rules."
One of the experts quoted is John  L. Graham, a business professor at University of California at Irvine who co-authored a book about the move-back phenomenon, "Together Again, A Creative Guide to Successful Multigenerational Living." It's not only about young adults returning to the nest but elderly parents moving in as well.

Real Life: When the Kids Come Home

We're an exhausted little band of people--those of us who've had our grown children and their children visiting for the holiday. I don't mean just for Thanksgiving dinner. I mean for an overnight or two. One friend emails: "We had all the kids here from Wednesday afternoon to Friday night. As I type it doesn't sound like much, but how come I spent Saturday and Sunday barely getting out of bed? There was never a minute when either the dishwasher, washing machine or dryer wasn't whirring. All house rules [rules her grown kids impose in their households] were not in effect--kinda like alternate side of the street parking. So candy, juice boxes and doughnuts were the food pyramid."

Chez moi, I had my kids and their kids in the house from Thursday morning through Saturday evening. I, too, could barely function on Sunday. Oh the bliss of sleeping late on Sunday without a chorus of "shhhh's" emanating from the kitchen where the wee ones were tucking into their cornflakes.