Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Money Matters: When grown children bite the hand that feeds them

Ever since the grand-twins were born, Pam and Dan have been very involved grandparents and parents. The boys--their daughter's children--live just 15 minutes away. In the first year or two, Pam and Dan were there to change diapers, feed babies and babysit so the parents could have a "date night" together every Sunday evening. Now that the boys are six, Pam and Dan pick them up from school once or twice a week and continue to babysit as well as host the family for Sunday and holiday dinners. They even put a swimming pool in their backyard to make summer visits more refreshing for the young family. They've always helped out a little financially--just to make things a little easier for a family that wasn't living high but also wasn't earning high, either.

Everything was in balance until this past March when the son-in-law lost his job. Now Pam and Dan, who was a physician until he retired, are supporting the young family. And that has thrown a lot of other balances out of kilter. Dan says that for now he can pay the mortgage and other basic bills for his daughter and her family. The son-in-law is no laggard: He is hard at work looking for a job and at other entrepreneurial opportunities. Pam and Dan would rather help them now than leave them money later.  But there is a question of how long they can continue --and what they would do if the financial burden started to impinge on their life style. So money is not the immediate problem.

And yet is it. The daughter has asked Pam to step back from grandmothering, to not be a regular presence. Pam isn't sure what else her daughter said--the conversation was so scary and upsetting. Would this mean the end of the grandparent's relationship with their grandsons? With their relationship to their grown child?

Dan's advice was to step back and let is pass--that the daughter's "demand" would go away of its own accord. Pam's worst fear--that she and Dan would be cut out of their daughter's and grandchildren's lives--does not seem to be happening. Things are almost unchanged. The Sunday dinners have continued. But Pam has an undertow of worry. She wonders what she did to cause the outburst. She's an ebullient person--was she too exuberant around the boys? Was she overwhelming?

More likely it isn't anything Pam did or said. Her daughter's change in financial circumstances has probably pushed her to assert independence and control where she can.

It is so hard for us to distance ourselves from hurtful words our children send our way. While others can see the less personalized side of the story, we are so tied into our grownchildren and our grandchildren that any threat to the strength of that relationship feels like a dagger to our heart--even when that isn't necessarily what our children meant to do or convey.

 

Visiting Privileges: Traveling abroad with a grown child and his family

Last February, I went to Berlin to visit Alpha daughter and her family who were living there for a year. Berlin was cold, gray and dreary, but the visit was a dazzlingly bright time. There was a special warmth in spending a week with my daughter and her family and feeling their "thank you" for making the trip to see them when they were so far from home.

Last week, I went to Amsterdam to spend time with Uber son and his family, who were visiting that city for five days. This was more complicated than a simple visit to a daughter living abroad. Uber son was there on business and the host company had agreed to bring his wife and three children along. My son would be free two of the four days. I volunteered to hook up with them in Amsterdam, in part to be a pair of helping hands on the two days my son had to work, but also to see the city [never been there], be energized by a mid-winter get-away and spend time with Uber son and family [they live in a U.S. city far from mine]. And, as in Berlin, Amsterdam was gray and winter-dreary in late January but I never felt the cold.  

On this trip, I was--for my Grands and daughter-in-law--the familiar face in a city where the language is different [we may have high school French or Spanish tucked into the recesses of our brains, but not Dutch], the food unfamiliar [though the Dutch penchant for pannekoeken--pancakes--was easy to adopt] and many of the amusements on an adult level [the infamous red light district, Dutch history musems, a 17th century synagogue]. But, when my son went off to his meetings, my daughter-in-law, my three Grands and I explored the zoo, its aquarium and butterfly room. The whole family went off to the Van Gogh Museum where we got audio guides and the older kids [8 and 10] loved hearing about the painter's life story and learning how his art went from the dark of the Potato Eaters to the brilliant golden hues of the Sunflower paintings. We took the canal boat tour and for dinner one night, everyone was game to try rijsttafel--I appointed myself Assistant Chief Taster to make sure the different Indonesian dishes my Grands put on their plates of rice weren't too spicy for them. And I babysat the one evening my son and daughter-in-law went to a business dinner. 

I loved seeing Amsterdam. Even in the winter, it is a walkable and easy to visit city. I got to do some things on my own and many things with my son's family. But most of all, there is a special warmth in being there for your grown child and his family--and to share in the wonder of their family life. You feel it, and so do they.

Grandparenting: Are we willing to share the wealth with our Grands?

A few days ago, I wrote about a 2011 MetLife survey on boomer parent's spending habits vis a vis their grown children. (Long story short: Most of us want to help our adult children with college tuition; fewer want to help them buy a house.)

There's also a 2009 MetLife survey on how grandparents feel about spending money on their grandchildren. The 2011 survey already covered the college tuition question for grandchildren--most of us say, 'no way.' But this survey has more specific questions.

How do we feel about financial assistance or monetary gifts for grandchildren? Two out of three of us give our grandchildren money; The average amount in the five years leading up to 2009: $8,700.

Why did we do it? The reasons most cited were general financial support, education, and major life events.

Do we want to give them gifts while we're still here or leave them a lump-sum legacy once we're gone? Nearly 80 percent of us would rather distribute smaller gifts. Nothing beats seeing them enjoy an indulgence or appreciate real-world help.

Has the Great Recession and its aftermath made us more generous toward our Grandkin? One in four of us report we are providing more assistance than in the past, due to the current economy.

Do we give advice along with the money? Not so much. More than two-thirds of grandparents report that they are not providing any financial advice or guidance to their grandchildren. Among those who are talking to their grandchildren about financial issues, the most common advice is “start saving early in life,” and “don’t get into too much debt.”

Isn't that what our grandparents told us?

Grandparenting: We also serve who sit and wait--and watch an endless event.

Ah the joys of grandparenting: small children who love us without question, who will come and cuddle up with us to hear us read a story and who, as they get a little older, will program our iPhone and show us how to download Netflix. They're still interested in hearing about what life was like for their parents when they were little tykes or for us when we were toddlers or teens.

Such wonders come with a price. Friends whose grown child and three grandchildren live nearby are often called on to babysit--something they don't mind doing. They've been to soccer games and volleyball tournaments, clarinet recitals and dance performances. But sometimes the daytime, weekend duties are a little harder to take. To wit, an email from these very same friends that arrived this morning:

"We ended up at [my son's] most of yesterday, covering for him as he had a week-end 2-day exam.  We spent an endless afternoon at a so-called Pine Derby car racing competition for scouts, which my grandson participated in.  There ought to be medals for the attendees!"

Money Matters: The place where a few grandparent bucks have a big bang

Those of us who came of age during the greatest economic expansion of the 20th century are now near to retiring or we're already there. We may no longer be earning top dollar but many of us have put away money, earned pensions, established 401k accounts, and are otherwise well-padded for retirement--padded enough that we look at the economy our grown children are dealing with and wonder how we can help with the fiscal challenges that lie ahead for them.

All of which is a long way of saying, some of us are in the position to and would like to give our grown children some pecuniary peace of mind by lifting a small burden here and there. For those of us with grandchildren, one easy-lifting spot is putting money aside for our grandchildren's college education. We don't have to take on the whole burden--who knows how grand a sum it will be a decade or two from now or whether they'll get a scholarship of some sort. But we can contribute.

It's easy enough to set aside money in our own account or set up a separate account with a grandchild's name on it. But a 529 adds a tax bennie to such savings. The money comes out of our taxable estate and, once in the 529, it multiplies [hopefully, it does not shrink] tax free. There is no tax due on it when it's withdrawn--so long as your grandchild withdraws it for education purposes. If your son or daughter has already set up a 529 savings plan, you can contribute. You can even get special coupons to do it on your own. Or you can set one up yourself for each grandchild you choose to help. Setting up a 529 yourself gives you more control over the money. If you find you need the cash after all--for, say, unexpected desire to take a trip around the world--or you change your mind (that grandchild turned out to be an ungrateful wretch) you can ask for the money back, though you'll pay a tax and 10  percent penalty on the withdrawal. But still, it's a way to help out unobtrusively--and give your grown kids some relief about the burdens that lie ahead.

Here's a link to an easy-to-follow briefing on 529s. It's called "15 Facts All Parents Should Know About 529 Plans." And another one that answers a lot of questions grandparents might have.

Grandparenting: Getting away with grandkids in faraway places.

When our Grands reach school age, their parents--our grown children--may be willing to let them take a trip with us. One friend took her 11-year-old granddaughter to Paris. She made a deal with her: She would make sure the granddaughter could get the comfort food of her choice at dinner every night [plain pasta with butter]. In exchange, the little traveler had to be game to go to the museum or event of choice each day. It worked--there was hardly any whining. Also helpful: a midday return to the hotel for a wee bit of rest.

Another friend, who babysits one afternoon a week, was allowed by her son and daughter-in-law to take those Grands [ages 10 and 13] to the Galapagos this summer. Those one-afternoon-a week visits gave her a certain familiarity (with eating habits, personality ticks) and comfort with her grands--and they with her. Here's her report on the trip:

 "There's a family history here. When my son graduated from college, his dad said he would take him on a trip to anywhere in the world.  My son chose Galapagos, and they still talk about their trip with great nostalgia. As for my trip, I am on a "if not now, when!" kick. My husband [the granddad] couldn't go--nor did I want him to. 

My grandboys are real animal/nature enthusiasts, and they're getting to an age, especially the 13-year old, when they may not be so thrilled to travel with the old grandma much longer. 

They are very good travelers, not spoiled and not demanding and I knew that it would work out. They were much easier to travel with than their grandpa: No moaning and groaning, no frantic searches for bathrooms, no demands for attention, they can walk long distances--you get the picture.

They did go to bed earlier than I would have wished, and it meant that I would often go to bed early. (Come on guys, it's only 8:30! By the time I brushed my teeth and came back to the room, they were sleeping.)  I was able to read, but how much reading in bed can one do without falling asleep! Then I would wake up too early while they slept on. But that's a minor point.

It's a vigorous trip.  It's not for the halt and lame, though there were people on our boat who were overweight and not fleet of foot who managed well enough. To see the animals and birds in their natural habitats, totally unaware and unafraid of humans, was glorious. The boys each had their own cameras, birthday gifts I gave them last year when I knew we'd be going, and that was a big plus. Their photos are better than mine. 

We were on a boat that carried 100 people, extremely well organized so there was no waiting, comfortable enough (we were three to a room), great food.  We were on the boat for four nights and had five days of island hopping.  I think 5 or 6 days would have been better, though we certainly saw a lot. 

Now we've got that trip to talk about and reminisce about when we get together. We always find something new to share with my son and husband about what we saw and did--and how things have changed since they went."

Grandparenting: Children's books in praise of what we can do for our Grands

The Holidays may still seem far away, but that isn't the frantic take you get from the Halls of Commerce. Not only is Black Friday starting earlier, the holiday decorations are already up in many malls and along city streets. But I digress: If you're looking for a gift for one of your little Grands--for Holidays or anytime--the New York Times has a delightful page of reviews of books about us and how we are the emotional mainstay or treasured person in our Grands' lives. What a nice way to impress on them our importance in their lives--without having to overtly say so. Or having our grown children have to ask them to respect us.

My favorite on the NYTimes list: Crouching Tiger. Maybe because my Grands have taken such an interest in my attempts to learn tai chi (they find it uproarious to watch me "Stroke the Wild Horses Mane" and "Ward off Monkeys.") Maybe because my grandparents came from "the old country" and i was fascinated by their multi-lingual abilities. In any case, this is a story that deals with an immigrant child’s conflicting emotions toward a grandparent from the old country. The grandson wants to learn kung fu, but his grandfather insists on teaching him the tamer tai chi. "Eventually," the review notes, "he learns to appreciate his Chinese heritage in a convincing, unsentimental way, and to value the wisdom of his forebears."

Can't beat the wisdom thing.

Rules for Parenting Grown Children: Overlook it. If you can't overlook it, forgive it.

I haven't added to my Notes to Self in well over three years. But I came across this suggestion from Susan Adcox at About.com.Grandparents: "Overlook it. If you can't overlook it, forgive it."

I take it to mean we shouldn't get hung up on our grown children's indiscretions, forgetfulness (in, say, calling us) or outright mistakes (in, say, raising our grandchildren). Life's too short--and our relationships with them too precious--to bear grudges against our grown children or insist on being RIght (see other Note to Self: It's better to be liked than right). This may not hold true for serious issues (addictions, failure to shoulder family responsibilities). There is a time and important place for Tough Love. For all the little stuff that crops up in the inter-generational life of a family however, it pays to give our grown kids a little slack. So I'm adding it to my list of Notes to Self--my little daily reminders of how to get along well with grown children and their families.

Grandparenting: The moments they'll remember us by

When my daughter asked if I would come up and "babysit" her daughter--my Grand--for three days, she had her reasons. She had to travel for her job. Ordinarily, if she had to be away, she and my son-in-law would patch together a series of babysitters and play dates to cover the time away. But it was the first week of school. That can be traumatic any time, but even more so this year. Not only would my Grand be going back to school, she would be returning after a year in Berlin. I understood the request. I made it my business to get there.

It may sound like the easiest, most natural thing for a grandparent to do--grannie as nanny for three days--but it's not necessarily that simple. Work files have to be loaded on jump drives;  bags have to be packed and spouses/grandfathers persuaded (that wasn't too hard) to drive you to the airport.

It may sound like a lark--taking over the care and maintenance of a child in school--but it has its not-so-easy moments. It can be a long day from 2:00, when I pick her up from school, until 6:30, when her dad comes home. And then there's the pressure to get my own work done. 

So there we were, 4:00 on a rainy afternoon. She is banging out some songs on the piano and asking me if I think she's playing from sheet music or it's something she made up. I call out random answers while I have my laptop open and I edit a Q&A story on the mortgage interest deduction. She wanders over, pulls up a chair and asks me what I'm doing. I tell her I have to shorten a story I wrote--it has to lose about 200 words. She wants to help. We start with the introduction and I let her delete the phrases and sentences that can come out. As we move along, we come to a word, "sacrosanct" that I used to describe the deduction's place in the political pantheon. She doesn't know what it means. I tell her it is sort of like "holy." Well, she says, why didn't you say holy? I tell her some of the other subtle meanings sacrosanct has and why it seemed like just the right word to choose. We talk about it some more and then move on to another unusual word choice. She's interested in discussing why I called the deduction "the darling" of homeowning taxpayers. When I have to fact-check the year the mortgage interest deduction became law, she knows exactly how to go to Google, and we find the answer together: 1913.

Since this is a Q&A in which I have interviewed four experts, I have set it up so that each interview has a section of its own. The name and title of the person heads up each section. When we get to the first one, she wants to know if she can change the font for the name. Why not? She fiddles around and soon the name of the first interview--a housing economist--is maroon with a double underline. On we go, she deleting words as I tell her to, she redesigning the look of each name and title.

I can't say how long we worked on my story--an hour maybe--but it turned out to be the highlight of my visit. I was able to share with her a little bit of what I do--what writers and editors do--and she was able to show me how adept and creative she is at the computer. It was fun for both of us. But more than that, it made me realize that memories are made of this. Certainly, it was memorable for me--sitting side by side at the kitchen table, heads bent together, concentrating on what we were doing.

The three days may have had their tedious hours, but the reality is, you can't get to the heights of a memorable moment without trudging in the valley.

What did my editor think of the colorful copy I sent in the next day? He didn't say. But how often does he get copy with the name of the chief economist of Fannie Mae all dressed up in maroon Tahoma type with a double underline. For all I know, it may have been a memorable moment for him as well.

Grandparent Rivalry: The perils of proximity vs the longings of long-distance

When Lola's daughter had Lola's first set of grandchildren, Lola was just a tiny bit jealous of the other set of grandparents. They had sold their condo in Florida and moved to Nashville to be close to their only son and his children. They were there to do the burping and diaper changing; they were available for babysitting. They were there to see the first steps and hear the first words. They bought the pretty yellow and pink quilt for the granddaughter's first bed and, when their son and his family went away on vacation, they painted the child's room to match the quilt.

Lola, who lives 700 miles away, is the visiting grandparent. She sees all the other grandparent's influences and it makes her wonder whether her grandchildren will know and love her as much as they do the other grandparents. And even more to the point, whether she will have the same influence over them--the same input on family history and family values. 

If that was her concern when her grandchildren were toddlers, it is less so now. The grandchildren are teens and pre-teens. They no longer want their room painted by grandpa when they go out of town. And even more, Lola's daughter has her hands full with a mother-in-law who believes in order and imposes it wherever she goes--even in her son's house. She has redone kitchen closets, alphabetized the spice shelf, re-ordered her grandson's bookshelf and refolded her granddaughter's clothes.

This is not to say that either the grandchildren or the grown children love one set of parents/grandparents less. Only that there are irritations in proximity. The visiting grandparents are like visiting firemen--a novelty, a treat--and people whose advice or remembrance-of-things-past may come as a refreshing moment rather than an "here they go again."

A two-week stay with her daughter may be intense, but Lola leaves with the hope that they'll be glad to see her come again. And that her closeness to her grandchildren has nothing whatsoever to do with their relationship with the other grandparents. There's room for both. And just because they live nearby, doesn't mean they have more input into the way the grandchildren think about life, values and all the other important ways we hope to influence our children's children. One quality conversation with a child who's troubled about some issue can be the important idea that child carries with him or her. You never know where or when that moment is coming. It doesn't matter if we're a constant presence or a sometimes visitor to have it happen.