Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Money Matters: When grown children bite the hand that feeds them

Ever since the grand-twins were born, Pam and Dan have been very involved grandparents and parents. The boys--their daughter's children--live just 15 minutes away. In the first year or two, Pam and Dan were there to change diapers, feed babies and babysit so the parents could have a "date night" together every Sunday evening. Now that the boys are six, Pam and Dan pick them up from school once or twice a week and continue to babysit as well as host the family for Sunday and holiday dinners. They even put a swimming pool in their backyard to make summer visits more refreshing for the young family. They've always helped out a little financially--just to make things a little easier for a family that wasn't living high but also wasn't earning high, either.

Everything was in balance until this past March when the son-in-law lost his job. Now Pam and Dan, who was a physician until he retired, are supporting the young family. And that has thrown a lot of other balances out of kilter. Dan says that for now he can pay the mortgage and other basic bills for his daughter and her family. The son-in-law is no laggard: He is hard at work looking for a job and at other entrepreneurial opportunities. Pam and Dan would rather help them now than leave them money later.  But there is a question of how long they can continue --and what they would do if the financial burden started to impinge on their life style. So money is not the immediate problem.

And yet is it. The daughter has asked Pam to step back from grandmothering, to not be a regular presence. Pam isn't sure what else her daughter said--the conversation was so scary and upsetting. Would this mean the end of the grandparent's relationship with their grandsons? With their relationship to their grown child?

Dan's advice was to step back and let is pass--that the daughter's "demand" would go away of its own accord. Pam's worst fear--that she and Dan would be cut out of their daughter's and grandchildren's lives--does not seem to be happening. Things are almost unchanged. The Sunday dinners have continued. But Pam has an undertow of worry. She wonders what she did to cause the outburst. She's an ebullient person--was she too exuberant around the boys? Was she overwhelming?

More likely it isn't anything Pam did or said. Her daughter's change in financial circumstances has probably pushed her to assert independence and control where she can.

It is so hard for us to distance ourselves from hurtful words our children send our way. While others can see the less personalized side of the story, we are so tied into our grownchildren and our grandchildren that any threat to the strength of that relationship feels like a dagger to our heart--even when that isn't necessarily what our children meant to do or convey.

 

Grandparenting: Are we willing to share the wealth with our Grands?

A few days ago, I wrote about a 2011 MetLife survey on boomer parent's spending habits vis a vis their grown children. (Long story short: Most of us want to help our adult children with college tuition; fewer want to help them buy a house.)

There's also a 2009 MetLife survey on how grandparents feel about spending money on their grandchildren. The 2011 survey already covered the college tuition question for grandchildren--most of us say, 'no way.' But this survey has more specific questions.

How do we feel about financial assistance or monetary gifts for grandchildren? Two out of three of us give our grandchildren money; The average amount in the five years leading up to 2009: $8,700.

Why did we do it? The reasons most cited were general financial support, education, and major life events.

Do we want to give them gifts while we're still here or leave them a lump-sum legacy once we're gone? Nearly 80 percent of us would rather distribute smaller gifts. Nothing beats seeing them enjoy an indulgence or appreciate real-world help.

Has the Great Recession and its aftermath made us more generous toward our Grandkin? One in four of us report we are providing more assistance than in the past, due to the current economy.

Do we give advice along with the money? Not so much. More than two-thirds of grandparents report that they are not providing any financial advice or guidance to their grandchildren. Among those who are talking to their grandchildren about financial issues, the most common advice is “start saving early in life,” and “don’t get into too much debt.”

Isn't that what our grandparents told us?

Money Matters: What are we willing to pay for when our grown children are grown up?

There's a new survey out on how generous--or not--we are with our adult children. Overall, the 2011 MetLife survey found that four out of five us are willing to help out in a variety of ways. But we have our limits. 

Topping the list in priorities is college education. Nine out of 10 of us believe we, as parents, have some responsibility to pay for some of their higher education, with half of us seeing this as a strong or absolute responsibility. The survey even put some numbers on that assistance: More than half of us  would contribute 10,000 a year or more to the tab for our child's higher education.

In terms of percentages, we're more generous than our parents. According to the survey, only 35 percent of baby boomer parents helped with the college bills. As to helping our grandchildren with their college bills, two-thirds of us don't think we have any responsibility in that regard--love those kiddies though we do. Only only 15% of us report that we have contributed toward the costs of a grandchild’s education. 

We don't see helping our grown kids buy a house as nearly as compelling a responsibility as a college education. Half of us suggested that we had no responsibility at all to contribute to the down payment on a house. Among those 23 percent of us who felt we had at least a moderate responsibility to help, half of us said we would contribute under $10,000 for that purpose.

The survey also looked at how much responsibility we felt in helping out a grown child whose fortunes were flagging--who had lost jobs, were going through a divorce or meeting some other financial setback. More than four in 10 of us reported that, in such cases, we feel a strong or absolute responsibility to help out--if the setback was not of their own making.

Woe betide the grown child who spends recklessly and causes his or her own financial debacle. We are not as forgiving--at least our purses are not. Only 11 percent of us feel the need to bail out a child when the debt is due to overspending. We draw the line at those closets full of Jimmy Choo shoes, crazy weekends in Vegas or a drug habit. But even  here, the MetLife survey puts a number on how much we'd be willing to spend to help out--if we were willing at all. And it's not $10,000. It's half of that.

What about leaving them a legacy? Half of us in the Baby Boomer generation feel little or no responsibility to leave something behind for our heirs. For those of us who do, MetLife has some numbers: Those of us who would leave something behind see the appropriate amount as somewhere between $20,000 and $50,000. 

They survey also looked at what obligations our children feel toward us. Take a deep breath and read on: (all percents are for feeling a strong or absolute responsibility):

62% feel called upon to call us at least once a week to see how we're doing

58% would have us live with them if we weren't healthy enough to live on our own

50% would take us in if were financial destitute

46% would provide financial support in our later years if we were having financial reverses.

Not that we'd want that. 42% claim we wouldn't take the help.

Does this make you want to rethink those contributions to their financial health, education and housing?

 

Grandparenting: We also serve who sit and wait--and watch an endless event.

Ah the joys of grandparenting: small children who love us without question, who will come and cuddle up with us to hear us read a story and who, as they get a little older, will program our iPhone and show us how to download Netflix. They're still interested in hearing about what life was like for their parents when they were little tykes or for us when we were toddlers or teens.

Such wonders come with a price. Friends whose grown child and three grandchildren live nearby are often called on to babysit--something they don't mind doing. They've been to soccer games and volleyball tournaments, clarinet recitals and dance performances. But sometimes the daytime, weekend duties are a little harder to take. To wit, an email from these very same friends that arrived this morning:

"We ended up at [my son's] most of yesterday, covering for him as he had a week-end 2-day exam.  We spent an endless afternoon at a so-called Pine Derby car racing competition for scouts, which my grandson participated in.  There ought to be medals for the attendees!"

Money Matters: The place where a few grandparent bucks have a big bang

Those of us who came of age during the greatest economic expansion of the 20th century are now near to retiring or we're already there. We may no longer be earning top dollar but many of us have put away money, earned pensions, established 401k accounts, and are otherwise well-padded for retirement--padded enough that we look at the economy our grown children are dealing with and wonder how we can help with the fiscal challenges that lie ahead for them.

All of which is a long way of saying, some of us are in the position to and would like to give our grown children some pecuniary peace of mind by lifting a small burden here and there. For those of us with grandchildren, one easy-lifting spot is putting money aside for our grandchildren's college education. We don't have to take on the whole burden--who knows how grand a sum it will be a decade or two from now or whether they'll get a scholarship of some sort. But we can contribute.

It's easy enough to set aside money in our own account or set up a separate account with a grandchild's name on it. But a 529 adds a tax bennie to such savings. The money comes out of our taxable estate and, once in the 529, it multiplies [hopefully, it does not shrink] tax free. There is no tax due on it when it's withdrawn--so long as your grandchild withdraws it for education purposes. If your son or daughter has already set up a 529 savings plan, you can contribute. You can even get special coupons to do it on your own. Or you can set one up yourself for each grandchild you choose to help. Setting up a 529 yourself gives you more control over the money. If you find you need the cash after all--for, say, unexpected desire to take a trip around the world--or you change your mind (that grandchild turned out to be an ungrateful wretch) you can ask for the money back, though you'll pay a tax and 10  percent penalty on the withdrawal. But still, it's a way to help out unobtrusively--and give your grown kids some relief about the burdens that lie ahead.

Here's a link to an easy-to-follow briefing on 529s. It's called "15 Facts All Parents Should Know About 529 Plans." And another one that answers a lot of questions grandparents might have.

Vacationing Togetherness: Two rules for avoiding friction

She's become a veteran at this: hosting her grown children and their families at the villa she rents in Tuscany. We won't go into how some people are really lucky about their vacation deals--she teaches Italian and needs to keep her skills fresh; he's a successful businessman [retired] and can afford to indulge this form of refreshment. Over the years of visits by grown children, other relatives, myriad friends and acquaintances, she has learned how to handle the extended [more than one night] visit.

Her first house rule for her children--two sons, each with a wife and two children--is simple: Keep 'em busy.

Before anybody arrives, she makes the daily plans. When they get there, she shares. Here's her rationale: "We never want a day when they can say, what are we going to do today? Or a day when they are just going to sit around the house and swim in the pool all day. I hand them a calendar when they arrive. It shows them what the plan is for each day. If they don't want to do it, they know in advance what's coming. We can negotiate and make another plan. Of course, they tend to stay with what I'm planning since I go with them and I'm the only one who speaks Italian. That makes it a lot easier for them to take trains to visit other cities, go out to lunch, understand the guided tour at the aquarium in Genoa."

Second house rule: visits are one family at a time: serial visits only, never together.

Her rationale: Too many opportunities for sibling rivalry, resentments over child-rearing practices and misunderstandings among family members. Besides, two sons, two daughters-in-law and four grandchildren would be too many people to get moving in one direction at a specified time. 

How do her kids take to this? One comes every year for a week. The other has made the trek to Italy only twice in six years. Their choice.

Grandparenting: Getting away with grandkids in faraway places.

When our Grands reach school age, their parents--our grown children--may be willing to let them take a trip with us. One friend took her 11-year-old granddaughter to Paris. She made a deal with her: She would make sure the granddaughter could get the comfort food of her choice at dinner every night [plain pasta with butter]. In exchange, the little traveler had to be game to go to the museum or event of choice each day. It worked--there was hardly any whining. Also helpful: a midday return to the hotel for a wee bit of rest.

Another friend, who babysits one afternoon a week, was allowed by her son and daughter-in-law to take those Grands [ages 10 and 13] to the Galapagos this summer. Those one-afternoon-a week visits gave her a certain familiarity (with eating habits, personality ticks) and comfort with her grands--and they with her. Here's her report on the trip:

 "There's a family history here. When my son graduated from college, his dad said he would take him on a trip to anywhere in the world.  My son chose Galapagos, and they still talk about their trip with great nostalgia. As for my trip, I am on a "if not now, when!" kick. My husband [the granddad] couldn't go--nor did I want him to. 

My grandboys are real animal/nature enthusiasts, and they're getting to an age, especially the 13-year old, when they may not be so thrilled to travel with the old grandma much longer. 

They are very good travelers, not spoiled and not demanding and I knew that it would work out. They were much easier to travel with than their grandpa: No moaning and groaning, no frantic searches for bathrooms, no demands for attention, they can walk long distances--you get the picture.

They did go to bed earlier than I would have wished, and it meant that I would often go to bed early. (Come on guys, it's only 8:30! By the time I brushed my teeth and came back to the room, they were sleeping.)  I was able to read, but how much reading in bed can one do without falling asleep! Then I would wake up too early while they slept on. But that's a minor point.

It's a vigorous trip.  It's not for the halt and lame, though there were people on our boat who were overweight and not fleet of foot who managed well enough. To see the animals and birds in their natural habitats, totally unaware and unafraid of humans, was glorious. The boys each had their own cameras, birthday gifts I gave them last year when I knew we'd be going, and that was a big plus. Their photos are better than mine. 

We were on a boat that carried 100 people, extremely well organized so there was no waiting, comfortable enough (we were three to a room), great food.  We were on the boat for four nights and had five days of island hopping.  I think 5 or 6 days would have been better, though we certainly saw a lot. 

Now we've got that trip to talk about and reminisce about when we get together. We always find something new to share with my son and husband about what we saw and did--and how things have changed since they went."

Holiday Togetherness: Playing the Thanksgiving football game

The day after Thanksgiving is a peaceful one. There's no more cooking to be done--it's a leftovers feast. Everyone's following favorite pursuits. At Thanksgiving Central for our family, the three granddaughters were doing something girly-girly together; Alpha daughter and my daughter-in-law were chatting. Outside, Uber son, my grandson, son-in-law  and Paterfamilias were tossing the football around. They had some sort of "game" going when I wandered outside, with John, a friend of the family who was spending Thanksgiving with us. We watched them heave the ball around and establish rules for two-handed touch. I suggested we join them.

It was not a universally popular move. John wasn't particularly keen to play but he was game. The four players--PF and SIL on one side, Uber son and grandson on the other--seemed taken aback. Not at John's joining in. What was I doing out there? Since Uber son and the 10-year-old Grand were the "better" team, we joined PF and SIL. PF wasn't happy. He grimaced when, once in the huddle, I suggested a "surprise" move: a running play! He could fake a pass to SIL or John, hand the ball to me and I would run with it. 

Ah, to have a photo of the faces of chagrin at my proposal. No. No. The game was all about the pass. But a few plays later, they relented. We ran the play. I took the ball, cradled it close to my midriff, hunched over, turned and started forward. PF tells me I did well--held the ball properly to avoid a fumble and lowered my shoulder to ward off players from the other team. Only I never quite picked up any speed. "You were standing still," is the way PF describes it when my Grand gave me the two-hand tag. A few plays later, when my Grand protested that it was 4 players to 2, I was immediately traded away to his team. He was too polite to protest.

Oh Well. I didn't cross the touchdown line on my running play. Or catch a pass. Or even come close. But I had a great time. So let's score one for the grannie. She got herself out there. Point made.

Holiday Togetherness: Calm, comaraderie and connection in the kitchen

We arrived for Thanksgiving at Uber Son's house on the Tuesday before the great feast. The idea was to help our daughter-in-law out--make it easier on her by either doing the shopping or watching the Grands or some combination of both. On Wednesday, while the older Grands went off to school, Uber son went to work and Paterfamilias took the laptop to Panera to edit a transcript, my daughter-in-law and I had the kitchen and all that cooking to ourselves--with occasional help from the 3-year-old who puttered around, climbed up on counters and "assisted."

What a perfectly wonderful day it was. All morning and most of the afternoon, my daughter-in-law and I kept each other company while we each prepared our share of the dishes. How companionable it was. We talked about everything and nothing, about how the kids were doing in school, what my son's plans were for the future, how their trip to London had been, how she was composting and what tips I had, and whether she should make her own pie crust [her idea] or use a frozen crust [my favorite shortcut]. We set the table, pre-cut everything for the salads and other side dishes, brined the turkey, pre-baked the stuffing, and finally made the crust and baked a blueberry-cranberry pie and a pumpkin pie.

Three days later, when I called from home to thank her for her gracious hosting of our family's Thanksgiving, she mentioned Wednesday and how nice it had been to spend time together in the quiet calm of the kitchen.

Talk about a Thanksgiving gift. Can't ask for more than that.

Empty Nesting: Life and longing after the Thanksgiving weekend

It is Monday, the day after the Thanksgiving weekend and colleagues at work are chatting about the holiday--who went where, how long the left-overs lasted and, for those of us of a certain age, what it was like to have the grown kids together again under one roof. 

Betty's oldest son traveled home from his first job in another city; the middle son came home from college and the youngest was already in residence--he's still in high school. Here's her take: "It was so great to have everyone under one roof, everyone sleeping in their beds--the normal pattern of life. It's as though all of life we waited to come back to this. I felt like I finally got the right kilter back. I so lamented the break up on Sunday when two of my sons left. They'll probably be back in December for the holidays, but life shouldn't be waiting for these moments."

Kitty had her two children home for the holidays--her daughter home from college; her son back for the weekend from a job on the other coast. Her take: "It was wonderful having them both home--being our little family of four together again. The days are really limited in which we are going to be just the four of us. My son has a girlfriend. I really like her. She's lovely. I bet they'll get married one day. It's what you want for your children. But, from then on it will never be the four of us again."

I also had my family--Uber son, Alpha daughter, their spouses and children--under one roof. Not my roof this time. Uber son's. My take: It was touching to be together, to see my children and their spouses and my Grands reconnect--it has been over a year since we've had everyone together, not only under one roof but in one country.  It was also bittersweet. Late on Wednesday night, when Alpha daughter and family arrived, it was heartwarming to see my children reconnect, to see the good feelings flow and hear questions asked and answered about each other's lives. And so bittersweet for Paterfamilias and myself. We were bystanders--watching the action but not really of it. After all, we'd kept up with each family--made it our business to get to Berlin to visit Alpha daughter and kept up on Skype. And we'd traveled to visit Uber son and his family pretty regularly. So we sat and watched the third leg of that family triangle connect--son, daughter, daughter-in-law, son-in-law. Happy to see it, but no longer at the center of it.

It's what Kitty and Betty are sensing lies ahead: Once the family is no longer the snug little four or five of you, the kilter changes forever.