Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Providing Child Care: The economy gives us yet another role

This harsh economic downturn takes it toll in many ways. Our 401ks may be lighter and tighter but our grown children face even grater perils: job loss, job change, job downgrade. Where they might have had full time nannies before, that is now a luxury. Or is it? Some of us are filling that gap. The only stat I've seen is one quoted in the article below, that about 40 percent of grandparents who live within an hour’s drive of young grandchildren provide regular child care while the mothers work; only 8 percent of them are rewarded financially. I have several friends who've answered the call for help--more about those stories in future blogs. Meanwhile, here's the phenomenon as reported by the Wall Street Journal (June 24). 

WHEN GRANNY IS YOUR NANNY

By Sue Shellenbarger

Marie Rej, a consultant and mother of two, and her mother, Antoinette Traniello, often clash over the right way to raise kids. Antoinette thinks Marie is too lenient, and Marie regards Antoinette’s rules as too black-and-white.

But the Wakefield, Mass., mother and daughter are swallowing their differences so Antoinette can provide the summer child-care help Marie needs after a recent layoff and job change. Disagreements aside, Marie says gratefully, her mother “has told me she’ll pitch in wherever she’s needed.”

Similar scenes are playing out nationwide, as grandparents step up to meet the erratic child-care demands imposed by a rocky economy. Prevailing child-rearing beliefs have taken many turns in the past 60 years, creating ample grounds for disagreement between caregivers, whether they’re tradition-minded World War II-era grandparents, hovering baby boomers or the family-focused, informal moms and dads of Generation X. Other parents wrestle with how to divvy up authority or whether to pay grandparents for their help The problem-solving and peacekeeping strategies families must use to make these two-generational setups work can make already complicated family relationships even more challenging.

Some forecasters predicted this generation of grandparents would be too self-absorbed to help with child care. But there’s no evidence that today’s grandparents are backing away. The proportion of preschoolers cared for primarily by their grandparents while their mothers work rose to 19.4% in 2005, the latest data available, from 15.9% in 1995, the Census Bureau says. A wave of closings and cutbacks in child-care facilities suggest the trend is continuing.

Some 40% of grandparents who live within an hour’s drive of young grandchildren provide regular child care while their mothers work, says a 2008 survey of 500 grandparents by the National Association of Child Care Resource & Referral Agencies, an Arlington, Va., nonprofit. And grandparents’ child-care hours rise significantly in the summer, the Census Bureau says.

It seems “boomers aren’t as spoiled as we thought,” says Georgia Witkin, assistant professor of psychiatry at Mount Sinai Medical Center, New York, and a senior editor for Grandparents.com, a Web site on grandparenting. “It was anticipated that a lot of grandparents might establish separate lives and might resent having those interrupted,” she says. While some have, others “like to feel needed.”

Visitors: When the kids and their kids come home for a visit

Alpha daughter and her daughter have come home for a visit--a long weekend. The Grand is six--not a difficult age. We don't have to watch her like a two-year-old. We are not tied to naps or strict schedules. We can go out to dinner together and enjoy ourselves. She can come to our office and charm our co-workers. We can go to museums or the zoo and discuss what we're seeing and why it's interesting. We can read books. She can sit and read a book by herself. She can play by herself for at least an hour or two.
And yet. And yet. They left today and we are in a state of collaptive exhaustion. Why should this be? Alpha daughter is helpful--she pitches in to prepare meals and to clean up. She doesn't expect us to babysit endlessly. She is here to enjoy some free time with her daughter and some quality time with us as well.

What is it that sets off the weariness? Part of it is tension: will we manage not to offend? Will Paterfamilias, the more critical of alpha daughter's parents, be too critical--of his daughter or, worse yet, his daughter's daughter?  He does not take kindly to having his conversation interrupted and six year olds tend to, well, interrupt. And it's not easy for less-critical me. I never know when I'm going to stick my foot in it, so to speak. Say the wrong thing. And it's so easy to do. Just suggest that you can babysit if she wants to get a haircut, and you can feel the bristling begin.

But that's only part of it. There's another more neutral reason--at least I've come to think there's a more neutral reason. The exhaustion stems, in part, from the break in routine. We eat earlier when we have visitors--so there's a rush to get food prepared and on the table. No more sitting around to watch the evening news then chatting about what we might have for dinner and taking our time to prepare it. And the food they eat is different from the food we eat--they are vegetarians [no fish, no fowl, to say nothing of the beefier stuff; no cheese with rennet]. So I have to re-think meals. It's not terrible. Not impossible. But challenging. And adjustments like that add up. Are they comfortable in the beds you've prepared for them? Is the TV too loud? Are you watching something that should be turned off if the six-year-old wanders into the room--like news of war and bombings or terrible disasters or heinous crimes.

It was with some relief that we drove them to the airport. But no sooner did they walk toward security check in and wave goodbye than the tears welled up. I miss them. I wish they lived near by so that I could have a more natural to and fro with my daughter and her family.

Would that be any better? Friends whose children and grandchildren live in the same city as they do have their exhaustions as well--filling in for a weekend babysit so the parents can go away for the weekend; the last minute call in an emergency--driving to a grown child's house at 2 in the morning. We want to be there for all that. Why else are we still around? Why else do we call ourselves family? And yet, we all tell each other the tales of how tired we are when we've had some time--a visit--with our grown children.

Money Matters: Who should get your favorite chair?

Could there be a more boring term? Estate planning is somehow put-offish, in every sense of the word. And yet it's got to be done and it needs to be revisited from time to time. You may not be here when your last wishes are read aloud, but you can rest easy knowing you've taken care of not just the big things but the iconic treasures as well. Here's one interesting observation about that planning process from an expert in the field:

"Make the key decisions. Too often, estate owners say, "Leave it to the kids and let them decide." Non-decisions often lead to family strife, wasted assets, and a general estate planning disaster. Estate lawyers always are amazed at the things adult children and other heirs fight over. Long suppressed issues and conflicts come to the surface. Seemingly meaningless items can have great symbolic value to someone, or at least the person claims they do.

Personal property and iconic items such as the family residence or vacation home are the most likely to cause such problems."

Adult Children as Guests: Home for a visit--for weeks at a time.

Lucy has three children--all grown and living independently. Two live nearby. One daughter lives far away--in a third-world country where her job is first rate and so are the perks. She has two nannies for two children. So when she came home for a three-week visit--part work, part parental visit--a nanny came with her. Only one of them. The one for the baby. Not the one for the 4-year old.
I tell you all this to tell you what Lucy said when I asked her if having the nanny as part of the entourage made things easier. "No," Lucy says. "She was just another mouth to feed."
Lucy, who's a very energetic person, was exhausted by the visit--even though she does regular duty taking care of her two grandchildren who live nearby.I bumped into her two weeks after her far-away daughter left and she said she was just recovering. And dreading/excited about another visit--the far-away daughter was due to come back for another three-weeker this summer.

What is this all about? Almost everyone I know reports a similar response to a visit from their adult children with grandchildren in tow. It seems it's just as bad even when there's a nanny around to help with the child care, or when the adult children themselves pay full attention to the care and tending of their offspring.

My theory is that it's the change in routine. And the provisioning of the refrigerator and the pulling together of meals three times a day. with special meals that cater to special tastes of very small people. "Why can't he just have cereal for dinner," Lucy asked one evening when her small grandson who lives so far away didn't like what was offered. This did not occur to her daughter. And Lucy's theory on this is that her daughter and her grandchildren are so used to having nannies around to cater to every need, they don't have to make do with cereal. Nor do they insist that what's offered will be eaten. Someone will hop up and boil the pasta and heap on the butter and satisfy the little one's appetite.

Money Matters: The costs of re-nesting

We are living through difficult times--kids  moving back home not just because they're out of college and haven't figured out what they'll do. It's more serious now: Our grown children are losing their jobs, or we're losing ours. Consolidated households are one answer. On her site, Linda Pogue  blogs about some of the hidden costs of having the kids move back home.

Some highlights:
Grocery is the biggest expense increase, followed by water consumption (more dishes and clothes to wash, more people bathing and flushing toilets), electric bill increase due to more lights, TVs, computers, etc., in use, and more paper products--toilet paper and paper towels, primarily. While none of these expenses, except perhaps groceries, will increase an exorbitant amount, there will be enough that it can financially undermine the parents allowing grown children's families to move into their home.

Check out her blog for observations on how to negotiate the issues, with this in mind: Do it upfront to keep peace in the put-back-together household, especially if grandchildren are part of the bargain. Her advice is written for the adult kids who are moving back in with us. But one key point she makes to these adult children really hits home: "If you do not want your parents correcting your children, be sure that you do it yourself. Just understand that as long as you are in their home, they may feel they have the right to correct your children, especially if you do not."

Amen. It's a lot easier to hold off on the "corrections" when you're only there for a brief visit. It's another when you're all living together.  It's an issue that needs to be addressed at our end as well.

Money Matters: Helping the kids with their expenses

Sally is feeling good about how she's handling the helping hand she gives her adult son: She's offered to pay for day care. Her son is in the middle of the struggle years--finished with graduate school but just starting his career; ditto for his wife. Right how, with a one-year-old, costs are suddenly high [day care; bigger apartment] and income not quite what it will be.

Day care is not an inconsiderable expense in the city where her son lives--close to $18,000 a year. Fortunately, Sally can afford it. She's still working and so is her husband and the father of her children. Nonetheless, it's a bite out of their budget, and Sally is proud that she's paying the tab "with no strings attached." That's what she likes about the arrangement: She pays the bill and she doesn't have to concern herself with whether they are doing with the "loan" what you want them to do with it. It's control without actual control.

Or so she thought. One Saturday her daughter-in-law came by with the baby so Sally could babysit while the daughter-in-law ran some errands. No problem. Sally enjoys taking care of the baby. It's her first and he's delightful. When her daughter-in-law got back to the house, she pulled out her shopping bag to show Sally what she'd gotten. A beautiful outfit to wear to a friend's upcoming engagement party. Sally got a glimpse of the price tag and flipped out. It was, she told me later, twice as much as she would ever spend on an outfit. In her mind, here she was shelling out $18,000 a year for day care to help her son's family get through the "struggle" years and here was her daughter-in-law splurging on a high-priced blouse and skirt. Sally resented it.

So the question is whether we can ever cut the string--the tie between gift and spending? Do we have the right to control the money we help our kids with? Andif we do, will they resent it? Will we feel uncomfortable? I come from a family where my widowed mother was generous but there were strong and bounding ties to what I did with her generosity. So personally, I am all for giving the gift and letting it go. Don't look back. Just assume you've helped and move on. But is that reasonable? Should there be guidelines--a blueprint for use; a performance measure of sorts--when we help out our children?

Here's to You Mrs. Robinson: The things we do for our kids

"What a sacrifice!" Those were the first words out of my friend Eva's mouth when I brought up the subject of Mrs Robinson--mother of Michelle Obama and mother-in-law of the president-elect. Mrs. Robinson is the one who,famously, made the whole presidential campaign possible by stepping in and overseeing the care and nurturing of her grandchildren while the Obamas set off to bring change to the country.

That wasn't the sacrifice either Eva or I were alluding to. Rather, it was Mrs. Robinson's decision to pull up stakes and move with her daughter and family into a new home in another city.

Those of us the business of parenting grown children who have children know what it's like to be called in to help out. There are health emergencies--grownchildren get sick or the grands do at an inopportune time. Or the grownchildren are scheduled to attend a conference or whatever and they need a loving pair of hands to help out while they're gone. Most of us have been there, done that. Willingly. When that call is to help out and the grownchildren live in cities far from our own, that raises the stakes. I've done it four or five times and each time I find it rewarding, yes; I'm thrilled, frankly, that I'm trusted to help. But it's incredibly lonely, and that's true no matter how loving the Grands are and whether my grownchild or their spouse is around or not. 

I've tried to put my finger on why this should be so. Maybe it's the lack of independence. You are at home but it's not your home. You are cut off from the things that are familiar to you--your job, the people who say hello to you, your sense of purpose.  Yes, you have another "purpose"--you're there to take care of your grandchildren and help out your grownchildren. That's worthwhile and necessary. And they are always appreciative. But I still have this , as though I can't quite find my footing.

As I understand it from press reports, Mrs. Robinson weighed several factors--possibly some like these. She didn't make the decision to head for the White House--glamorous and exciting though it is--easily. Those of us who've had even a little bit of a toe in her shoes can only admire her decision--and recognize what a sacrifice she's making for her grown child.

Home for the Holidays: Being a good vistor or host

Whether your family comes to you or you go to them, the holidays--Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover, whatever--can be a strain on everyone. Setting aside the emotional pitfalls, there are also the day-to-day physical displeasures--beds to make, food to prepare, individual needs to cater to. That's what I found so helpful in this blog: It's full of simple ways to ease the hospitality issues.

One of the writer's ideas: keep little tote bags for each grandchild--or adult child. Fill it with special little things each one likes or needs (a wash cloth, slippers, favorite lotions; for little kids, crayons and a pad of paper.) On arrival day, put the tote on each child's bed, along with a towel, new box of tissues and a bottle of water. Repeat for each visit.

So simple. So welcoming. And so easy to do if it becomes a habit. I like it! I may even try it.

 

 

The Old Order Changeth: Making new plans for Thanksgiving

The first Thanksgiving dinner I made is a vivid memory. My two children were toddlers; we didn't look forward to the four-hour long drive to my mother's house and even less to the traffic-delayed return trip--six to eight hours stuck on the New Jersey Turnpike. Suggestions were made. And taken. My mother and brother and his wife would come to our house.

We never looked back. Thanksgiving has been at our house for more than 30 years--through births and deaths and additions of our best friends and their children, plus assorted others. Everyone loves it. Well, that's what they tell us. But life changes. Our best friends are gone; their children have moved away. So have our children. For the past decade, our children and their growing families have piled onto airplanes and come home for the holiday anyway. It's exhausting for everyone but it's wonderful to fill the house with all that excitement--and noise and mouths to feed. It's also expensive: we are talking about 8 airfares plus, this year, renting a van to transfer the family of five [a new baby!] from airport to home and back again.

So this year, suggestions were made. And taken. Thanksgiving will be at uber son's home this year. Alpha daughter and her family can drive over--it's only three hours away. We'll fly up a day or two early. I'll do most of the cooking--my daughter-in-law has her hands full with two school-age children and an infant.

Sounds fine. And it is. And yet. It is the old order changing and yielding place to the new. We say that this arrangement is only for this year, that each year we may do something different--our house, daughter's house. Could be anywhere. And yet it is a sign of passing time and years. Another flattening of the hierarchy, as my friend Marian the psychiatrist likes to say. We are moving even further off the center stage--we've acknowledged that in many other ways--and this is just another Rite of Passage. We don't feel old; we don't feel like we're ready to be flattened. And yet there comes a time when it's Their Time.

I've always loved Thanksgiving. It isn't laden with all the gift-giving or religious symbols of other family holidays.  It's just turkey [well, tofurkey for some] and pumpkin pie. It will be fun to put it all together  in another kitchen. But it won't be the same. The torch is passing.

Family Vacations: The discomforts of togetherness

Summer vacations are over but Thanksgiving is upon us. So I thought I'd share these notes I made when friends talked about their summer vacation with both their sons [neither of whom lives near them or each other] and all their grandchildren--six adults, five small children together in one large vacation house near the beach for a week.

SHE SAYS:

"There were many wonderful moments. There was so much interaction between the little kids. It was great to see them playing together. But...

"There were too damned many dynamics. My two daughters-in-law have never jelled. So they avoid each other. One harbors a lot of anger over her brother-in-law yelling at her a few years ago for something she said to me. She's never forgiven him so he withdraws when he's around her and I get upset about that.

"When they're around us, my sons regress in their behavior and slip back into old patterns. And if the little kids would have a fight, I would intervene and if I did on behalf of one son's kids, the other son would get upset with me as though I were siding with his brother.

"One of my son's and his wife are quite strict with their children. It isn't just discipline; they don't let them do anything out of their sight. They are very careful and cautious. My other son and his wife are looser. They give their kids a lot more leeway. So, when he and his wife disappear for a while and let their kids make their own lunch, play in the yard by themselves, my other son and his wife feel like they have to be responsible for their brother's kids. They end up making lunch for them, watching out for them. And that creates a lot of tension.

HE SAYS

"I enjoy having my sons around. They help me do things--like major repairs to the house. And I like both of my daughters-in-law. They're both very pleasant to me. But during most of the visit, I feel irrelevant. "

.....

For those of us whose children live in other cities far from us and from each other, we often make heroic efforts to bring everyone together--to rekindle that "ideal family" spirit; to make it possible for the little cousins to get to know each other, to enjoy seeing our children and their children have fun together. And then we either get caught in the middle of a resurgent sibling quarrel or, if they and their spouses are finally having a nice bonding moment, we feel totally left out.

Another friend rents a house for six weeks over the summer. Each of her sons comes to visit for a week of vacation with his family. Do they ever come at the same time? "Are you kidding?" she says. "They know better than that. The wives don't dislike each other but they don't particularly like each other either. The boys are brothers but they're not particularly close anymore. And, even more to the point, the young families have very different parenting styles. So serial visiting is the way we go."

Not that there are lessons to be learned here. Just the comfort of knowing we are not alone in struggling with the many dynamics--whatever they may be--when our intergenerational families get together.<

Have any of you found a way to get everyone together for holidays or vacations and still enjoy the togetherness?