Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Moving Home: The Boomerang kids return to the nest

This isn't the first time I've posted links to newspaper, magazine or blog items on how to handle a return to the nest. But it is the first time I've seen the topic covered at length by no less a media than the New York Times. In true Times tradition, "When Fledglings Return to the Nest" covers the basics thoroughly. Here are some highlights:

 Should you take them in:"Given your own economic circumstances, you may not be able to afford another mouth to feed. But if forcing children to live on their own may lead to a bigger bailout later, it may not be economically smart. Besides, having kids at home again may help you save money."

Should they pay rent? The issue "isn’t so much whether you charge. It’s why the child has moved home in the first place." The anecdotes in the article suggest that if the children aren't slackers--are just in a tough financial spot right now--you might want to forgo rent or charge a token fee, one that rises with time until it's close to market rate. One parent put it this way: “I’m aware of the circumstances where within the family there’s the proverbial 35-year-old living at home How does it get to the point where the child didn’t decide to move on? The bond between child and parent is so strong, it was easier for us in the abstract to say that this was the program.”

If they pay rent, should you refund it when they move on? While some parents see the rent as a real contribution to the household, others "consider it a reward for good financial behavior, or a leg up on a future down payment."

Should you give them financial advice? Tread carefully here. Use other sources--books, articles--as a referral on the topic. One parent suggests this mantra:  “When you have adult children, you cannot tell them what to do. You can only tell them what you’ll pay for. And if they don’t need you to pay for it, then you can only hope that they ask for your advice and take it.”

What if the stay is prolonged as a way for the child to save money for the future? "It may work best if the child works 80-hour weeks or travels constantly. It may help if the parents are gone most weekends, or if the child crashes at the home of a paramour frequently. It helps, too, to have no siblings underfoot and a bathroom (and better yet, an entrance) of one’s own. And, of course, the child needs to save the money as planned. If squabbles ensue, the child can always move out. But if everyone gets along, these children eventually move out with a big pile of money in the bank. And that safety net makes it more likely they will never again have to move back in with you."

Empty Nest: Feeling down in the dumps when the kids leave for college

I always thought paterfamilias and I had a solid marriage. It was tested when our kids--they were one year apart in school--left for college. Within a year, the house was empty. We had more fights those first few weeks than at any other period in our marriage. It was, I came to realize, because both of us were feeling low about our children leaving home. Positive though that journey is for them and us.

We survived. So do others. But every year a whole new flock of parents go through it. I just read something insightful by a health professional that I thought I'd share with the new flock:

"It is normal to go through a crisis when the children leave home. It is not easy, even though it is a healthy and positive process. When kids leave home, they leave room for something else. There remains a space in the house, a void that has to be filled. An empty space can produce uneasiness, discomfort, anxiety, emptiness, etc. until it is filled with something new."

Refilling the Nest: Economic woes bring older adult children home

The latest census report and a couple of surveys hold some startling statistics for those of us with adult children: They are moving back home in force. And at mid-career--or older.

Here are the numbers, starting with the younger ones:

According to the most recent Census report, there were 5.1 million Americans age 25 to 34 living in the home of a parent. In 2004, there were only 4.3 million doing so.

When AARP surveyed 1,000 adults this spring, it found that 11 percent of people between ages 35 and 44 were living with parents or in-laws.

A recent survey by grandparents.com of 4,800 grandparents found 12.5 percent reporting that they lived in the same home as their grandchildren; of those, 53 percent said that the adult children and grandchildren who lived with them could not afford to live independently.

And the trend is likely to keep going as this deep recession just begins to hit bottom. These stats and some human interest stories to go with them are in this story from the New York Times.

Empty Nest Redux: When the kids come marching home again

This just in from Great Britain. A survey by Selftrade of 2,000 Brits on fallout from the current economic downturn finds that "50% of British adults have been forced to make a ‘Plan B’ in the last year, as their lives have taken a surprise turn in a different direction. In 87% of these cases, a life change drove a major shift in financial outlook and habits."

While the survey identified "the need for people to empower themselves by taking control of their finances to secure against financial difficulties should a lifestyle U-turn be necessary," what was of interest to me--and presumably, readers of this blog--is the finding on how parents of adult children were reacting. Here's the excerpt on that point:

"The Forever parents
An emerging social trend in “Recession Britain” is the growth of the multi-generation home. Parents who experienced the surprise return of their adult children back home went through a number of sudden financial shifts. Suddenly devoid of their independence they were the group least likely to put themselves first (14%) or to be selfish when planning financial goals (15%). They were also the group most relaxed about taking on more debt (12%) and were least bothered about boosting their savings (10%) or investments (17%) - probably because they had little left over that they could put away."

Refilling the Nest: Two is company, three is crowded

The semester is almost over. The students who went off to college as overgrown teens are heading home for the summer as adults. A friend's son, after two years of struggling with college courses, is coming home for the duration--to figure out what he'll do next, what he wants out of life, whether further schooling is for him. It's a tough time for him--and for his parents. 

His imminent arrival feels, says my friend, "like an invasion of my space." He'll be bringing home--to the house where my friend and her husband comfortably raised two children--all his clothes, sports equipment and odd pieces of furniture he picked up to furnish an off-campus apartment he shared with friends.

But I don't think that's what she means by an invasion. The physical presence of a young adult who's in some turmoil and the daily reminder of that internal contest is not to be discounted. And that's what I think she means when she says, "The house is too small for three adults."

Returning to the Nest: Do you still have to wash their socks?

They're moving home again. Sixty percent of young adults move back home--staying for no one knows how long.  The rules of the house that worked so well when they were youngsters don't quite apply now. So how do you work things out? Do you ask them to pay rent, lay down cleaning and cooking rules? Do you still wash their socks?

I found some pointers recently on how to manage the move-back so that everyone remains on speaking and civil-living terms. The advice sheet notes that happy “re-filled" families tend to have several things in common. Here they are in brief:

Set limits: Talk about how long the live-in arrangement will be: three weeks, three months, a year? And define mutual expectations for house rules and responsibilities.

Set Goals: Talk frankly about the reasons, financial or otherwise, behind this new living arrangement, and lay plans for the transition back to independence.

Discuss Rent: Some families start at one rate. Then, as an incentive for their child to move out, they raise the monthly rent a predetermined amount as the months tick by. Others charge rent, but set the money aside and present it as a nest egg when their child is ready to move on.

Set Chores: Whether it’s in lieu of rent or in addition, include household chores--making dinner twice a week, for example, buying groceries, doing laundry or yard work.

Discuss Guests and Booze: It's unrealistic to set curfews for a fully-grown, independent adult, but you can discuss and agree on a set of household rules, particularly on hot-button issues such as late night or overnight guests, relationships, and alcohol or other substance issues.

Make a Contract: Whatever the plan, whether it’s rent, chores or household rules, spell it out beforehand and put it in writing.

Empty Nesting: How do we know when we're over the loss?

We all have our markers for recognizing that our children have grown up and left the nest--taken that giant step into independence. I don't mean when they leave for college, although that's usually the first most common step along the way. I mean a way of noting that great big void in our lives. In families where the high school kids were active on athletic teams, it may be the freeing up of Saturday mornings--or the emptiness of a day without a soccer or basketball or baseball game to attend. Or the stillness of the house when you turn the key in the lock and there's no music bouncing off the walls and singing through every inch of the house.

I just read a moving take on The Moment in a Michelle Slatalla column in the New York Times. It came when she went up to her daughter's room to clean it up--this, after her daughter returned to college after winter break of her sophomore year. "I felt a wave of nostalgia wash over me," she writes. "Everybody makes a fuss when you send a child off to college for the first time. You're expected to feel pangs when you separate from a freshman." But, she goes on to write, "waving goodbye at the end of sophomore winter break turns out to be much harder." It is, she explains, the realization that as time goes by her daughter would start to "come home for shorter periods and call home less often, and that the center of gravity of her life has shifted away."

Empty Nesting: We're in the majority now

We are not just our parents all over again. We rule. The majority of families in the U.S. today do not have young children at home, according to a the most recent population survey by the U.S. Census Bureau. Compare that with our parents' generation: In the early 1960s, almost 60 percent of families had children younger than 18 living at home; that percentage has now dropped to 46 percent. Go back even further in time: In 1880, 75 percent of couples in the U.S. had children at home.

The implications for us--we parents of grown children--are enormous. In a recent column, Abigail Trafford looked at the impact of those population stats on marriage. "After the traditional tasks of child-rearing are completed," she writes, "the main agenda for gray marriage is mutual satisfaction. Couples who have been together for decades have usually learned how to resolve conflicts. But that is not enough. What predicts happiness for older couples is the presence of positive elements: joy, playfulness, humor, adventure, caring, empathy and common interests."

  I would add to that our relationship with our children who are no longer young or being reared. We still have a relationship with them that can affect, as it did when they lived at home, our marriage [when our kids went off to college, i was struck by how many fewer arguments paterfamilias and I had] and our sense of well-being. There's an old aphorism: "You're only as happy as your unhappiest child." And that still holds true, even when they've moved out and on with their lives. Given the longevity stats that are in our favor, we will probably get to "enjoy" those grown children longer than our parents got to "enjoy" us.

Re-Nesting: It's hard on the grown kids, too

We all talk about how hard it is on us when the kids move back home. And it is. The loss of privacy. The noise. The eating habits. The hours they keep. But here's a reminder that it's hard on them, too.

These are words of self-awareness written to give the grown children some perspective:

"The housing market is drawing some families together, but challenges include lifestyle differences, generational differences, depression, money squabbles and other issues when relatives huddle together for economic relief. Moving in with relatives can be demoralizing, humbling, dehumanizing--even though a growing number of people don’t have a lot of choice. “You lose that sense of independence, privacy and self-esteem,” he says. “You lose somewhat of your identity."  [written by Nicholas Aretakis, a career coach and author of No More Ramen: The 20-Something’s Real World Survival Guide]

Something to remember when those moved-back-home kids are particularly annoying.

Money Matters: The costs of re-nesting

We are living through difficult times--kids  moving back home not just because they're out of college and haven't figured out what they'll do. It's more serious now: Our grown children are losing their jobs, or we're losing ours. Consolidated households are one answer. On her site, Linda Pogue  blogs about some of the hidden costs of having the kids move back home.

Some highlights:
Grocery is the biggest expense increase, followed by water consumption (more dishes and clothes to wash, more people bathing and flushing toilets), electric bill increase due to more lights, TVs, computers, etc., in use, and more paper products--toilet paper and paper towels, primarily. While none of these expenses, except perhaps groceries, will increase an exorbitant amount, there will be enough that it can financially undermine the parents allowing grown children's families to move into their home.

Check out her blog for observations on how to negotiate the issues, with this in mind: Do it upfront to keep peace in the put-back-together household, especially if grandchildren are part of the bargain. Her advice is written for the adult kids who are moving back in with us. But one key point she makes to these adult children really hits home: "If you do not want your parents correcting your children, be sure that you do it yourself. Just understand that as long as you are in their home, they may feel they have the right to correct your children, especially if you do not."

Amen. It's a lot easier to hold off on the "corrections" when you're only there for a brief visit. It's another when you're all living together.  It's an issue that needs to be addressed at our end as well.