Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Money Matters: When does the dependence of grown children end?

A friend tells me his friend's woes: She's a divorced divorce attorney with a small but steady practice. Her daughter has gone to New York City to pursue her dreams. She wants to be an interior designer--get right in there and help people decorate their homes. And she has a talent for it. Only trouble is, the daughter is 28 and has been in dream-pursuit for several years--without much luck. She has yet to land an entry level job with a design firm. The mother has been subsidizing her daughter--"paying a hell of a rent for a place in Hell's Kitchen," says my friend. The mother is feeling the pinch of supporting a second household--her practice is good but not that good. "At what point ," she asks, "do I just say no?"

My friend feels he's been approached because his lawyer friend, a single mom, is looking for a male point of view--women being "more nurturing and not as practical," he says. His practical point of view zeroes in on his own turmoil with his daughter, who is in her early 20s and still in undergraduate school, having transferred colleges and programs several times. Now she wants to spend her winter break in California--with his financial help. "I can't seem to get her to focus on the notion that the purpose of college is to help you become self-supporting," he says. "When I was her age I couldn't wait to take control of my life."

And that, he thinks, is at the core of some of the dependence that seems so prevalent today. His argument: We [our generation] couldn't wait to get a job and move out of our homes because there were so many restrictions on us. But kids today have so much freedom at home--free meals, free room and the freedom to have as guests in their bedroom anyone they want. "They can practically make love in the living room and no one would say a thing," he says. So, he asks, where's the urge to get out there in the real world and declare independence?

It's a theory worth thinking about. How comfortable are we making it for those who've filled our empty nest? Or are living in their own little nests on our dime. Do some of them need a tough-love push? Are we a little late in delivering a practical message?

Children Grow Up: A poet describes that independence best

They've grown up and moved on. Here's poet Thomas Lux's take on the tempus fugit nature of it all and the ability--or is it need--to let go:

A Little Tooth

Your baby grows a tooth, then two,
and four, and five, then she wants some meat
directly from the bone. It's all

over; she'll learn some words, she'll fall
in love with cretins, dolts, a sweet
talker on his way to jail. And you,

your wife, get old, flyblown, and rue
nothing. You did, you loved, your feet
are sore. It's dusk. Your daughter's tall.

The Loneliness of the Empty Nest: A novelist describes that empty feeling

I turn to Olive Kitteredge again. Elizabeth Strout's novel told in a series of stories zeroes right in on the heart of what hurts parents of grown children most. Oh sure there are joys--watching our children mature, start careers, marry, raise children, lead interesting lives. But there is also a loneliness that can bear down on you at unexpected moments--especially those of us whose children don't live close by. Strout's story, "Starving," is ostensibly about a young girl suffering from anorexia, but the main character is Harmon, a man of a certain age who owns the local hardware store. There was about him, a character in Strout's story tells us, a certain sadness. As this woman friend observes, "His four sons had grown and scattered. They visited, appearing in town as great grown men, and she remembered when, in years past, you never saw Harmon alone. Always one or more of these small, then teenage, boys were with him, running around the hardware store on Saturdays, yelling across the parking lot, throwing a ball, calling out to their father to hurry."

On a walk by himself, Harmon recalls how one of his sons "had been a pack rat with a sentimental streak. Harmon walked along...the air like a cold washcloth on his face. Each of the sons had been his favorite child."

Harmon also notes that he had thought his wife "might have had a bad empty-nest time of it, that he'd have to watch out for her." But he finds "she seems calmer, full of a new energy."

That's what I love about this book. It captures in such fine phrasing what it is that we're experiencing. When our children grow up and leave home, it is a mixed blessing. There is renewed energy, yes! All of a sudden, we're Number One. But we also lose our admission ticket--to the soccer games, swim meets, piano recitals, opening school night. The house is no longer full of noise or excitement. Sundays at the soccer game may be an annoyance when we're in the midst of it, but now that our children are grown, we miss the interaction with them and being part of the community to which we belonged with them. Watching a grandchild's soccer game is not the same thing. We're just spectators.

Starving isn't just about anorexia. It's also about the loss when our children move away and the feeling we have in the aftermath.

Re-Nesting: Advice on the move back home

If your grown children and their children are moving back home--out of economic necessity or for a temporary but long-term visit--there are lots of challenges ahead. Here's a blog that's detailing how one family is working things out. I like the tone of it. Here's part of an opener to one recent entry:

"When you invite your children to come back home for whatever reason (in this case a bad housing market) you can’t make them feel as if they are imposing.  It is very important to let them know that this is their home now also.  With a few simple ground rules laid out in advance, everyone can feel comfortable."

If you're interested in reading more, click here

Moving Home: The Boomerang kids return to the nest

This isn't the first time I've posted links to newspaper, magazine or blog items on how to handle a return to the nest. But it is the first time I've seen the topic covered at length by no less a media than the New York Times. In true Times tradition, "When Fledglings Return to the Nest" covers the basics thoroughly. Here are some highlights:

 Should you take them in:"Given your own economic circumstances, you may not be able to afford another mouth to feed. But if forcing children to live on their own may lead to a bigger bailout later, it may not be economically smart. Besides, having kids at home again may help you save money."

Should they pay rent? The issue "isn’t so much whether you charge. It’s why the child has moved home in the first place." The anecdotes in the article suggest that if the children aren't slackers--are just in a tough financial spot right now--you might want to forgo rent or charge a token fee, one that rises with time until it's close to market rate. One parent put it this way: “I’m aware of the circumstances where within the family there’s the proverbial 35-year-old living at home How does it get to the point where the child didn’t decide to move on? The bond between child and parent is so strong, it was easier for us in the abstract to say that this was the program.”

If they pay rent, should you refund it when they move on? While some parents see the rent as a real contribution to the household, others "consider it a reward for good financial behavior, or a leg up on a future down payment."

Should you give them financial advice? Tread carefully here. Use other sources--books, articles--as a referral on the topic. One parent suggests this mantra:  “When you have adult children, you cannot tell them what to do. You can only tell them what you’ll pay for. And if they don’t need you to pay for it, then you can only hope that they ask for your advice and take it.”

What if the stay is prolonged as a way for the child to save money for the future? "It may work best if the child works 80-hour weeks or travels constantly. It may help if the parents are gone most weekends, or if the child crashes at the home of a paramour frequently. It helps, too, to have no siblings underfoot and a bathroom (and better yet, an entrance) of one’s own. And, of course, the child needs to save the money as planned. If squabbles ensue, the child can always move out. But if everyone gets along, these children eventually move out with a big pile of money in the bank. And that safety net makes it more likely they will never again have to move back in with you."

Empty Nest: Feeling down in the dumps when the kids leave for college

I always thought paterfamilias and I had a solid marriage. It was tested when our kids--they were one year apart in school--left for college. Within a year, the house was empty. We had more fights those first few weeks than at any other period in our marriage. It was, I came to realize, because both of us were feeling low about our children leaving home. Positive though that journey is for them and us.

We survived. So do others. But every year a whole new flock of parents go through it. I just read something insightful by a health professional that I thought I'd share with the new flock:

"It is normal to go through a crisis when the children leave home. It is not easy, even though it is a healthy and positive process. When kids leave home, they leave room for something else. There remains a space in the house, a void that has to be filled. An empty space can produce uneasiness, discomfort, anxiety, emptiness, etc. until it is filled with something new."

Refilling the Nest: Economic woes bring older adult children home

The latest census report and a couple of surveys hold some startling statistics for those of us with adult children: They are moving back home in force. And at mid-career--or older.

Here are the numbers, starting with the younger ones:

According to the most recent Census report, there were 5.1 million Americans age 25 to 34 living in the home of a parent. In 2004, there were only 4.3 million doing so.

When AARP surveyed 1,000 adults this spring, it found that 11 percent of people between ages 35 and 44 were living with parents or in-laws.

A recent survey by grandparents.com of 4,800 grandparents found 12.5 percent reporting that they lived in the same home as their grandchildren; of those, 53 percent said that the adult children and grandchildren who lived with them could not afford to live independently.

And the trend is likely to keep going as this deep recession just begins to hit bottom. These stats and some human interest stories to go with them are in this story from the New York Times.

Empty Nest Redux: When the kids come marching home again

This just in from Great Britain. A survey by Selftrade of 2,000 Brits on fallout from the current economic downturn finds that "50% of British adults have been forced to make a ‘Plan B’ in the last year, as their lives have taken a surprise turn in a different direction. In 87% of these cases, a life change drove a major shift in financial outlook and habits."

While the survey identified "the need for people to empower themselves by taking control of their finances to secure against financial difficulties should a lifestyle U-turn be necessary," what was of interest to me--and presumably, readers of this blog--is the finding on how parents of adult children were reacting. Here's the excerpt on that point:

"The Forever parents
An emerging social trend in “Recession Britain” is the growth of the multi-generation home. Parents who experienced the surprise return of their adult children back home went through a number of sudden financial shifts. Suddenly devoid of their independence they were the group least likely to put themselves first (14%) or to be selfish when planning financial goals (15%). They were also the group most relaxed about taking on more debt (12%) and were least bothered about boosting their savings (10%) or investments (17%) - probably because they had little left over that they could put away."

Refilling the Nest: Two is company, three is crowded

The semester is almost over. The students who went off to college as overgrown teens are heading home for the summer as adults. A friend's son, after two years of struggling with college courses, is coming home for the duration--to figure out what he'll do next, what he wants out of life, whether further schooling is for him. It's a tough time for him--and for his parents. 

His imminent arrival feels, says my friend, "like an invasion of my space." He'll be bringing home--to the house where my friend and her husband comfortably raised two children--all his clothes, sports equipment and odd pieces of furniture he picked up to furnish an off-campus apartment he shared with friends.

But I don't think that's what she means by an invasion. The physical presence of a young adult who's in some turmoil and the daily reminder of that internal contest is not to be discounted. And that's what I think she means when she says, "The house is too small for three adults."

Returning to the Nest: Do you still have to wash their socks?

They're moving home again. Sixty percent of young adults move back home--staying for no one knows how long.  The rules of the house that worked so well when they were youngsters don't quite apply now. So how do you work things out? Do you ask them to pay rent, lay down cleaning and cooking rules? Do you still wash their socks?

I found some pointers recently on how to manage the move-back so that everyone remains on speaking and civil-living terms. The advice sheet notes that happy “re-filled" families tend to have several things in common. Here they are in brief:

Set limits: Talk about how long the live-in arrangement will be: three weeks, three months, a year? And define mutual expectations for house rules and responsibilities.

Set Goals: Talk frankly about the reasons, financial or otherwise, behind this new living arrangement, and lay plans for the transition back to independence.

Discuss Rent: Some families start at one rate. Then, as an incentive for their child to move out, they raise the monthly rent a predetermined amount as the months tick by. Others charge rent, but set the money aside and present it as a nest egg when their child is ready to move on.

Set Chores: Whether it’s in lieu of rent or in addition, include household chores--making dinner twice a week, for example, buying groceries, doing laundry or yard work.

Discuss Guests and Booze: It's unrealistic to set curfews for a fully-grown, independent adult, but you can discuss and agree on a set of household rules, particularly on hot-button issues such as late night or overnight guests, relationships, and alcohol or other substance issues.

Make a Contract: Whatever the plan, whether it’s rent, chores or household rules, spell it out beforehand and put it in writing.