Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Re-Nesting: What's driving them home?

The latest stats are not out yet--the census moves slowly--but it will doubtless show that this Great Recession has created a migration of sorts: adult children moving back home. In 1970, less than 8 percent of adult children between the ages of 25 to 34 lived with parents. By 2000, that percent was at 10.5. By 2010, the percent will be larger. The census suggests that there will be more than 80 million parents of grown children who have one of those children living home again.

What’s driving adult kids back home? Difficulties finding a job, decision to go back to school [graduate degree, anyone?]. Then there's foreclosures and housing prices. Besides the economic reasons, there are the age-old ones--protective parents and kids who've learned to love the comforts of being taken care of.

In today's world, financial pressures have to top the list. But there's also a need for a safe haven during a divorce. And, the grown kids may move back home to help out their aging parents.

If you're looking for practical advice on what to do if the boomerang happens to you, try this Web site. The bottom line on the author's advice: "Remember to treat your boomerang kids as adults. Making life easier on grown kids who live at home by doing their laundry

, cleaning their rooms, etc. can hurt them in the long run by delaying their transition into responsible, independent adulthood."

Re-Nesting: Advice on the move back home

If your grown children and their children are moving back home--out of economic necessity or for a temporary but long-term visit--there are lots of challenges ahead. Here's a blog that's detailing how one family is working things out. I like the tone of it. Here's part of an opener to one recent entry:

"When you invite your children to come back home for whatever reason (in this case a bad housing market) you can’t make them feel as if they are imposing.  It is very important to let them know that this is their home now also.  With a few simple ground rules laid out in advance, everyone can feel comfortable."

If you're interested in reading more, click here

Moving Home: The Boomerang kids return to the nest

This isn't the first time I've posted links to newspaper, magazine or blog items on how to handle a return to the nest. But it is the first time I've seen the topic covered at length by no less a media than the New York Times. In true Times tradition, "When Fledglings Return to the Nest" covers the basics thoroughly. Here are some highlights:

 Should you take them in:"Given your own economic circumstances, you may not be able to afford another mouth to feed. But if forcing children to live on their own may lead to a bigger bailout later, it may not be economically smart. Besides, having kids at home again may help you save money."

Should they pay rent? The issue "isn’t so much whether you charge. It’s why the child has moved home in the first place." The anecdotes in the article suggest that if the children aren't slackers--are just in a tough financial spot right now--you might want to forgo rent or charge a token fee, one that rises with time until it's close to market rate. One parent put it this way: “I’m aware of the circumstances where within the family there’s the proverbial 35-year-old living at home How does it get to the point where the child didn’t decide to move on? The bond between child and parent is so strong, it was easier for us in the abstract to say that this was the program.”

If they pay rent, should you refund it when they move on? While some parents see the rent as a real contribution to the household, others "consider it a reward for good financial behavior, or a leg up on a future down payment."

Should you give them financial advice? Tread carefully here. Use other sources--books, articles--as a referral on the topic. One parent suggests this mantra:  “When you have adult children, you cannot tell them what to do. You can only tell them what you’ll pay for. And if they don’t need you to pay for it, then you can only hope that they ask for your advice and take it.”

What if the stay is prolonged as a way for the child to save money for the future? "It may work best if the child works 80-hour weeks or travels constantly. It may help if the parents are gone most weekends, or if the child crashes at the home of a paramour frequently. It helps, too, to have no siblings underfoot and a bathroom (and better yet, an entrance) of one’s own. And, of course, the child needs to save the money as planned. If squabbles ensue, the child can always move out. But if everyone gets along, these children eventually move out with a big pile of money in the bank. And that safety net makes it more likely they will never again have to move back in with you."

Empty Nest Redux: When the kids come marching home again

This just in from Great Britain. A survey by Selftrade of 2,000 Brits on fallout from the current economic downturn finds that "50% of British adults have been forced to make a ‘Plan B’ in the last year, as their lives have taken a surprise turn in a different direction. In 87% of these cases, a life change drove a major shift in financial outlook and habits."

While the survey identified "the need for people to empower themselves by taking control of their finances to secure against financial difficulties should a lifestyle U-turn be necessary," what was of interest to me--and presumably, readers of this blog--is the finding on how parents of adult children were reacting. Here's the excerpt on that point:

"The Forever parents
An emerging social trend in “Recession Britain” is the growth of the multi-generation home. Parents who experienced the surprise return of their adult children back home went through a number of sudden financial shifts. Suddenly devoid of their independence they were the group least likely to put themselves first (14%) or to be selfish when planning financial goals (15%). They were also the group most relaxed about taking on more debt (12%) and were least bothered about boosting their savings (10%) or investments (17%) - probably because they had little left over that they could put away."

Refilling the Nest: Two is company, three is crowded

The semester is almost over. The students who went off to college as overgrown teens are heading home for the summer as adults. A friend's son, after two years of struggling with college courses, is coming home for the duration--to figure out what he'll do next, what he wants out of life, whether further schooling is for him. It's a tough time for him--and for his parents. 

His imminent arrival feels, says my friend, "like an invasion of my space." He'll be bringing home--to the house where my friend and her husband comfortably raised two children--all his clothes, sports equipment and odd pieces of furniture he picked up to furnish an off-campus apartment he shared with friends.

But I don't think that's what she means by an invasion. The physical presence of a young adult who's in some turmoil and the daily reminder of that internal contest is not to be discounted. And that's what I think she means when she says, "The house is too small for three adults."

Empty Nesting: The honeymoon's over when the kids come home again

No less a source than Newsweek is tackling the empty nest syndrome. They start off with this good-news phenomenon:

"Rather than feeling bereft without kids, many couples find themselves swept up in what's commonly known as a second honeymoon after their kids leave. There's even scientific backing for the notion that a marriage gets a lift when the kids leave. A University of California study published in November in the journal Psychological Science followed 123 middle-aged women for 18 years and found a strong correlation between empty-nest status and an increase in how much the women enjoyed spending time with their partners.,"

Ah science! With the economy tanking and adult kids less able to live independently, however, the bliss--well, it could be missed. Here's Newsweek again:

"These extended stays can jolt the marital relationships of couples that have settled into happy new kid-free patterns. "It's hard to put their needs on the back burner and have the kids be the first priority again," says Phyllis Goldberg, a psychotherapist and counselor in California. But by not losing focus on themselves, parents can ease the transition and keep their re-lit flame burning."

Yes, amidst the return to living through the minutia of their lives--the ups and downs of romance, of job hunting, job holding, tiffs with friends, to say nothing of poor housekeeping habits. Good luck with the romance.

De-Nested: When adult kids move back home, politeness is strained.

I'm a sucker for a new phrase, especially when it captures the definition of the moment. Here's my most recent find: Economy of gratitude. It refers to the breakdown in the way we treat each other--we being the parents and ourr adult children who have moved back into the family nest. It's when family members notice only the inconveniences and ignore the nice things that we do for one another.

According to a recent story in the Los Angeles Times, that doesn't have to happen. "Children and parents can peacefully coexist by approaching the new living arrangement as they would if they were taking on any roommate: Agree in advance on how to handle household purchases, cleaning and other responsibilities. Resolve the question of who is in charge and how the house is to be governed, and the situation may not seem so bad after all."

The L.A. Times is covering the issue because California is one of the epicenters of the foreclosure crisis. One of the phenomenons of that tragedy is that people who are losing their homes or in danger of losing their homes, are bunking in together intergenerationally. That is, parents with children or children with parents. But that phenomenon is not limited to the usual--parents and their 20-something children. It involves older children. And here's why

An AARP study--released in September and reflecting 2007 foreclosure woes--found that more than a quarter of the foreclosures and delinquencies in the second half of 2007 involved homeowners ages 50 or older. SInce then there has been the calamity of the plunging stock market and the unraveling of the financial safety net for many midcareer Americans and their parents. No reliable figures yet exist on the number of adults forced to move in with parents because of the financial crises--or adult children moving in with their parents to help the parents--but it's clear this group consists of older, previously well-established homeowners.

The time are a changin' and it's not for the better.

Boomerang Kids: Return to the empty nest

A little historical perspective: We may all hear about--and some of us experience--a return of our adult children to the nest--but their leaving before marriage is a relatively new phenomenon. And one some of us may view from a biased perspective.

 Michael Rosenfeld, a social demographer at Stanford University says almost 41% of singles ages 20-29 in 2005 were living apart from their parents, compared with 11% in 1950 and about 19% in 1880. His analysis  shows almost 39% of single women and almost 46% of single men ages 20-29 lived with a parent in 2005, up from 36% of women and almost 42% of men in 2000.

It may only be a blip. “The boomerang idea,” he noted in a USA Today story, “flatters our parental sense that our adult children need us more than they think. They think they’re going to be independent, but we know they’ll come back to the front doorstep and need us again.”

Many of us hope that's not so.

Re-Nesters: Profile from the UK on kids moving back home

We are not alone. The phenomenon taking place here is also raging in the U.K. According to this survey of British home life,

Nearly one in ten parents have grown-up children living with them--young adults who have been "priced off the housing ladder."

The parents are not only looking after their kids well into adulthood, but are also caring for grandchildren.

One in four give regular financial help to their grown-up children; 7 per cent don't get any financial contributions for the household from their adult children.

The biggest help these parents of grown children are giving, this survey says, "is by funding their grown up children's housing costs, by allowing them to carry on living at home for free."

Helicopter landings: Overprotecting adult children does not pay off

There's an interesting discussion on the perils and pitfalls of helicopter parenting--of the sour fruits parents reap when they don't let their grown children grow up and take care of themselves--at this web site. While many of us think of the moms as the overprotective parent, this is a story about a dad who does too much.
It reminds me of a dad I know who was having trouble letting go of a 29-year-old daughter. "I know she has to take off the water wings," he said, "but what if I'm not in the water to catch her."

here's a grab from the entry on jimsjourney.wordpress.com:
"His children were perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, but they didn’t have to do it.

I remember one day in particular that the man was more than a bit irritated; he had to go home and change the oil in his forty-year-old son’s car. On further questioning, the man revealed the true reason for his anger… the oil should have been changed weeks earlier.

The bottom line is that his children were only partially to blame. On the surface, it appeared they were taking advantage of Daddy. In truth, Daddy had a personality that needed to be needed."