The Big Hurt: When our grown children won't talk to us

It's the great What If and the core fear of parents of adult children: What If our grown children cut us off--wouldn't answer our phone calls, emails or letters? Just wanted to have nothing to do with us?

This traumatic issue is not something I've dealt with in this blog--it's too deep for someone without therapeutic training. But there was a piece in the New YorkTimes recently that explored the issue briefly and relied on the wisdom of Joshua Coleman, a psychologist who has been through the trauma himself. The estrangement, Coleman says, appears to be happening more often, even among families where there has been no obvious cruelty or cause such as drug abuse or addiction. "This is not a story of parents who have made egregious mistakes," he says. "It's about parents who were good parents, who made mistakes that were certainly within normal limits."

If you're suffering through this trauma, check out some of the Web sites of professionals like Coleman--there are also a number of online chat rooms devoted to the subject--and take heart: Time and patience, persistent effort and small contacts, can pay off. That is how, Coleman reports, he was able to slowly repair his relationship with his daughter.

Comments

[Creative Recreation]

I hope everyone who visitis your blog has a good time here as much as I do.

[Susan Tuttle]

My husband died suddenly a year ago today. At first we were dealing with it together with 2 new grandbabies been born shortly after his death. My husband did not leave a will, but there was life insurance money and our home was paid for. He had retired and elected the option that I would receive half of his retirement amount in the event of his death. I am very fortunate for this. It wasn't just his good planning, it was my sacrifice as well. He was eight years older than myself and very into his career in Management. He adopted my oldest son and rasied him, we also have two biological children who I gave each one gifts from the life insurance and they know what the funeral cost, but they kept hitting me up to pay their bills or help them with down payments and I did at least $5 grand on each kid if not more. I finally had to say, this money has to last so that I can maintain my home which had started being remodeled before my husband passed and I followed through with that, a lot had been let go for too long. I'm having to look at septic tank replacement work, air conditoners going out, possible foundation repair, ect. Well I found out through my lawyer that had done a small estate affadavit that my 2 younger kids had gone to a lawyer and wanted to see proof that I was the beneficiary on the policies and 401K. We were married 28 years were together 30 in all. Things had gotten really bad at the end, he had gotten on some hard drugs was drinking like a fish as was I, so I was pretty much separated from him the year before he passed, the cancer may have invaded his brain. I don't know, the methadone made him numb to what was going on in his body and in real life. My own sanity was severly compromised however we had made the agreement that I would move back in and finish working on our home in August, and he was dead 10 days later. I did send my kids some ugly text and say things I regret saying after I found out they went behind my back for what? I'm their Mom...they couldnt come talk to me. And now they won't, I've changed my phone number so they don't have it but they know where I live same place I have for 20 years. They can't deal with the fact I'm going on with my life. What option do I have. I live with depression in spite of being on Prozac for a month now. It's just a whole lot of hurt feelings and misunderstanding, but I've been trashed like I was a crack whore. I miss them but in some ways I think they needed to get off the tit and figure out how to survive just like their father and myself did.