Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Money Matters: Helping support a grown child

At last, a financial planner who isn't all bean-counter and estate-protector. There is, says Aaron Katsman, more to having an adult child move back home than rental agreements or fees for food. And more to providing them with a temporary stipend than a loan contract.

Keying in on the recent, economy-based phenomenon of older adult children--in their 30s and 40s--losing a job and either moving back home or needing significant financial assistance, he makes some points that struck a common-sense chord with me:

"Isn’t the point of having money, aside for trying to provide a comfortable lifestyle, to try and help out those less fortunate? Wouldn’t a struggling daughter fit that bill?"

"If parents are themselves stretched financially, they don’t have to actually shell out money for the child. Rather, they can provide a roof and help that way."

"Neither parents nor children view moving back home as a desirable outcome, but if left with no choice, would you actually refuse to support your child?"

You can read more on this blog, http://bizzywomen.com/

Re-Nesters: Moving back home and dating a jerk

Here's an interesting discussion about the pain a father feels about his daughter's boyfriend. She's moved back home and is involved with a man the father does not like. He sees the relationship as dysfunctional and possibly abusive.How hands-off should he be? What to do when your daughter is involved in a bad relationship that could either scar her emotionally or lead to a bad marriage.
Here's an edited version of what the "expert" had to say.

First, our grown children are responsible for their own lives. While it is easy for us to look over their shoulders and second-guess their choices, they are the ones responsible for their actions. Your daughter may, sadly, need to learn some difficult lessons before letting go of this destructive relationship.

Second, there may be more to your daughter’s relationship than meets the eye. Is it possible that her boyfriend has some wonderful traits that you’re overlooking? 

Third, destructive relationships can be very strong, in a negative way. It may take her hitting some kind of bottom before she lets go of him.

Fourth, since she is in your home, you still can set some limits on her. You have the right to determine such issues as curfew and behavior within the home. You should not be expected to tolerate any abusive behavior that occurs in your home, to you or to your daughter. Should your daughter fail to abide by your boundaries, you may have to ask her to leave.

Finally, don’t underestimate the power of setting a positive example for your daughter. As you exemplify a loving relationship between you and your wife, her mother, you provide a power example that will impact your daughter. 

Money Matters: Letting the kids in on estate planning

A few weeks ago I blogged about having "The Chat" with your grown children--the chat being about where your assets are and how they can track them down when you're no longer here to tell them. When my mother had The Chat with me, it always gave me the creeps. And now I  am my mother.

Here's an update on letting your adult children know about your estate planning, with advice from legal experts in this article. The key point: Regardless of the wealth of a family, "an annual family meeting can help you create a comfortable forum for discussing your values, priorities and goals related to managing money -- and important details about your wishes for the disposition of your estate. Family meetings also enable parents to clarify their intentions related to any possible misunderstanding that might arise from disproportionate splits of an estate. This is especially important when re-marriages and second families are involved, or when parents want to name charities or unknown entities as beneficiaries."

A practical note: "Identify your executor and specify where you keep your will and other important documents and investment account statements. ...At least one family member should be aware of the location of important records."

There now, that shouldn't be too bad. If only we could divorce money from emotion.

Re-Nesting: To have or have not a contract with your adult children

Parents of 20-somethings--especially recent college graduates--are experiencing a steady march of children returning to the nest. It's a hostile economy out there: difficult job market; horrendous credit crunch; rising prices for everything. And it's not just the 20-somethings, as the reports noted in earlier blog entries make clear. But all that raises the question of what sort of rules should parents set when the kids come back to the nest.
An interesting discussion of the issue is in a recent College Times story:

Written contract or no?  "Experts say there is no right answer because the dynamics of each family are different." That said, CT's experts say, it's important "to have a plan, preferably in writing, that spells out the new relationship. It can be as simple as a contribution toward household expenses, or it can be chapter and verse, but the reunited family needs rules."
One of the experts quoted is John  L. Graham, a business professor at University of California at Irvine who co-authored a book about the move-back phenomenon, "Together Again, A Creative Guide to Successful Multigenerational Living." It's not only about young adults returning to the nest but elderly parents moving in as well.

Daily Lives: What do they really want from you?

Jen's mother-in-law is visiting. She's come from her home in Michigan to help with the Washington, D.C. baby--five months old and gurgling. Jen's just come back to work--she has the office next to mine--and she needed the help: Her husband is away at a conference and she has some obligations this week that would make it hard for her to get home in time to pick up the baby by day-care "curfew."
She and her mother-in-law are getting along very well, Jen says. Except for one small thing: Should the baby stay home with grandma or go to day care? Her mother-in-law stayed home with the baby on Monday. On Tuesday, she suggested the baby go to day care. "You don't want to get her out of her routine," Jen's mother-in-law said. 
Here's the conversation I had with Jen:
Jen: I'd much rather my baby stay home with her grandmother. I don't care about breaking the routine.

Me: Maybe that's your mother-in-law's way of saying, "'It's too much for me."

Jen: I can understand that. And I'd be happy to take the baby to day care. I just want her to be honest with me.

Me: That can be hard. She loves the baby. She wants to be helpful. But it can be hard staying home all day with the baby.

Jen: Well, I asked her if she preferred I take the baby to day care. She hurt her ankle the other day and I told her I could understand that it might be hard on her leg to move around with the baby. I asked her to be honest with me. And she just said, "You shouldn't break a baby's routine."

I know what Jen is talking about. I also think I know what her mother-in-law is saying. You want to be helpful; you've come to your daughter or daughter-in-law's house to help out. But it's confining and lonely and, depending on the Grand's age--tedious [newborns sleep the hours away] or exhausting [you're on guard every moment]. I've used similar subterfuges to avoid saying, "It's too confining and lonely. This isn't my house. I have nothing to do here--you don't want me taking over your kitchen or putting my imprint on your house. I need a break."
Jen's point: It's OK to say I don't want to be home with the baby all day today. Just don't pretend it's otherwise, because that way the best interests of the baby may not be being served.

That may be what she says. But is honesty the best policy? What would you do?

I

The Only Child Speaks Up: "Take your hands off the controls."

A recent story in a Canadian newspaper touched a lot of buttons for parents of adult children, and particularly of "only children."  The story is the  adult child's complaint about the tight controls parents exert, even as the child approaches marriage. The writer, an only child who is marrying an only child, says she noticed the stepping-over-boundaries during the wedding-plans phase but that the over-involvement is moving into the choice of where to live.
Part of the answer to the writer's plea likened the only child to a little and much-beloved emperor. But the bottom line was this: Whether it's outwardly apparent or not, part of the parents' dream is that "you will become an independent adult with all the tools to make life choices yourself. Unfortunately, parents are rarely willful enough to cut the cord themselves--you have to do it." And it will hurt.
If you see yourself in this, you might want to check your intrusion factor and pedal back.