Advice from Experts & Others:Only connect, but how?

Are our grown children our friends? Can they be our best friends? Not likely--there is an emotional component that bars the way. If a friend--best or otherwise--loses a job, gains too much weight, becomes ill, we'd worry about them and talk to them directly. "Are you OK?" we might ask. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

But such questions and concerns come freighted with other meanings when they're addressed to a grown child. That's a point Deborah Tannen makes in ter book, "You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation." While Tannen addresses herself to mother-daughter issues, much of what she has to say is true for any parent-child discourse--at least it is in our family.

Here's the point Tannen makes about the fundamental tension built into the conversation between parent and adult child, particularly when it comes ot advice or suggestions and the fine line between those and criticism:

"From the daughter's point of view, the person you most want to think you're perfect is the one most likely to see your faults--and tell you about them. From the mother's point of view, your job has always been to help and protect your daughter, give her guidance based on your greater experience, and ensure that all goes as well as it can for her. But any advice or suggestion you offer implies criticism, because someone who is doing nothing wrong does not need suggestions or advice."

Comments

[Judy Laddon]

I don't know why giving advice is so offensive to our kids, but one clue is that it feels offensive to ME to be given advice. Our women's group is studying Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and it shows us a new way of talking. It's really strange, like trying to learn Chinese. But I'm practicing on my 4-year-old grandson, who is responding beautifully. Basically, it's a way of showing respect. If you like, join the discussion at www.sallythebook.wordpress.com.

[Susan Adcox]

What an interesting post! One thing that has been pointed out to me recently is that one's interactions with one's mother are entirely different from interactions with one's mother-in-law. With one's mother, one has a history and interactions are in a context. With one's mother-in-law, interactions are sort of in a vacuum, and if your family interactions were very different, you may take everything that your mother-in-law says wrong.